Archive for December, 2008

All I ever dreamed of… and more


I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks. Typing one handed is very slow and tedious and the sound of the clicking keyboard wakes up the little one… hence the long absence. The birth story will be a separate post because I want it all detailed for Spencer’s baby book so I’m taking my time with it.  I find it to be kind of an emotional thing to write actually. All in all, it was a positive experience and very healing in terms of getting past the residual feelings of Sweetlove’s birth story and all that came with it. One thing that I am sad about though is how differently I bonded with the two boys. With Sweetlove, it took me a while to fall in love with him, I’d say a good month before I felt that undescribable mother love for him. With Spencer, it was instantaneous. I laid eyes on him and immediately felt it. I can only explain the difference being because of all the anxiety and trauma from the pregnancy and how it affected me greatly enough to hinder that bonding right away. But before I had Spencer, I didn’t even know it was possible to feel that love so fast so now that I know it, it kind of makes me sad that I didn’t feel it with Sweetlove too, you know?


So 8 weeks this child has been in our lives, on the outside. I am very sure that you become a mother when you start nurturing him/her in your womb.  Choosing decaf, skipping the after dinner glass of wine, drinking extra water and taking all those vitamins. Loving him/her blindly by rubbing your tummy in the night when you can’t sleep because he/she is kicking your ribs like drums.  Whispering dreams for the future quietly to your belly. My pregnancy was fairly hellacious in terms of ailments, many of which I didn’t want to complain about publicly but trust me – poor A. heard plenty of it. In fact I didn’t even realize how much my body was suffering until the baby was out and I was mobile again. Walking without searing pain in my pelvis, straightening my left leg without wincing from the pain in my hip joints.  Breathing through my nose again! I was so congested in my head for the last two months my sinuses were completed inflamed.  Showering without feeling faint within minutes of standing.  Walking up and down stairs. And the little things. Lying flat on a bed. Putting on socks. Having my body back again has been a dream. It has made me appreciate all over again what it feels like to be an able bodied person!  I am grateful. Anyways, back to the babe. He’s been… challenging. To say the least. I SWORE I would never have a child sleep in my bed.  Well guess what? This baby doesn’t sleep anywhere but in my arms except during the daylight he will sometimes allow me to put him in the swing for a few minutes to take a shower. So he sleeps with me in bed and A. sleeps on the couch downstairs so he can get some quiet rest. This baby is so noisy – he sounds like a cross between a goat and a piglet.  He hates the carseat, and the car. He despises his crib. Hates being swaddled. He has gas and feeding is a struggle. He is a handful… but a perfect, healthy handful and I am loving every minute of it… ok, well there may be a few minutes here and there when I could use a small break from the isolation of babydom but I am truly enjoying it much more than I was able to with Sweetlove as  an infant.  Even with a four and a half year old who has decided to play mischief at every turn because the attention.isn’t.all.on.him. anymore and oh my goodness, the world doesn’t revolve solely around him but still mostly does!  A tough lesson for a four year old. When they are both crying, I just pop in my earplugs and tackle it. I do love watching them interact as brothers. Spencer just adores his big brother and Sweetlove got the FIRST real smile from him! It was precious. The toughest part of this time is getting out of the house with the two of them on my own.  Taking Sweetlove to preschool in the mornings while timing it so Spencer is fully fed right before we leave (or he screams bloody murder in the car) and doing it in a timely fashion? I’m still trying to master this.


I find myself gazing at Spencer’s beautiful face while he is sleeping, in complete awe of his being, remembering all we went through to get him here and feeling God and his presence so strongly. My mom has gone through four rounds of chemo and is on her last of six weeks of radiation now, and having Spencer around has made it just a little bit easier for her, given her another focus on those tough days when she is so beaten down by the whole thing. I am sure now that our journey to him came now for a reason and I am so humbled by the miracle that he is. We are a blessed family.


And now for some pictures…

10 days old…




Now 8 weeks old



Santa Baby… (not so happy!)



December 14, 2008 at 10:39 am 2 comments

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