Archive for July, 2008

25w3d

I can’t tell you how good it felt to hit the 25 week threshold!  When I hit 20 weeks I started panicking because I knew that now preeclampsia could develop but when I hit 25 weeks I knew if it did, this baby would have a chance.  So 20-25 weeks was really internally stressful for me.  Phew.  This graphic sits on my desktop and I refer to it in moments of panic.  Baby is very active these days, and he responds to nudging, noise, food, all sorts of things that I find amusing during the solitary time.  I am testing my urine for glucose and protein regularly myself just to ensure if anything develops in between appointments that we catch it.  And I take my blood pressure twice a day.  It’s resting nicely around 110/65 and I’m just so thankful I haven’t had to start hypertensive meds at all yet.  I hope things continue on this path but kind of feel like the clock is ticking too.  The carpal tunnel has backed off a lot – I don’t feel the pain in my fingers as often or as much and the swelling has lessened.  I’m dealing with a lot of hip pain these days though – and I would trade it for anything!  Both hips are just hurting so bad I can’t get into any comfortable position in bed and for the last two days I’ve now got shooting pain down my legs so I’m thinking sciatica might be the issue here.  I have taken to sleeping in the recliner downstairs because otherwise I’m up all night rolling from side to side to relieve the pressure on my hips and every time I roll, my bladder gets a nice shove and I have to get up to go pee.  I’ve tried all sorts of pillow arrangements and nothing seems to help.  And I’ve got 12 more weeks of this!!!  And it will only get worse I’m sure!  I’m as big as a house, even A says so 😉 but in a nice way of course, and he knows I like to hear it as it reminds me I have a baby inside of me and how blessed I am. 

I have been feeling really super lucky these days with my pregnancy going relatively complication free and so different from my last one.  I truly believe God is sparing me so I can be here for my mom as a support during her difficult time.  Speaking of mom, she had her first chemo treatment yesterday which involved 6 hours of IV transfusion of poison into her system.  It’s been over 24 hours and she’s still feeling relatively good – she says she feels “flu-ish” with aching joints, flush and sore but nothing severe enough to keep her in bed so I am just so relieved by this.  Her onc.ologist says that everyone reacts differently to the chemo and there is no way to predict one person’s response.  I hope this isn’t pre-empting the worst of it, she still has anothe 24 hours to get really sick.  She’s all I can think about these days I swear.  I took Sweetlove over to their place the night before her chemo for a little fix, she misses him so much and he is the best medicine she says.  We explained to him that Grandma would be losing her hair pretty soon and she tried on her new wig for him and we all giggled and tried it on ourselves, and he took it in stride like a child always does.  As adults we often attach our own worldly fears to simple things like losing hair and what that “means” but kids just take it for what it is and it is not scary or anything, it just is what it is.

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July 30, 2008 at 9:55 am 5 comments

conversation with my 4 year old

driving to Grandma’s…

“Uh, mama… next time after this baby could you have two babies at once? A boy and a girl OK?”

“Well Sweetlove, I’m not sure about that.  It’s up to God you know.  He decides what our family needs.”

“OK but this is what I want.  So how do you “get” pregnant anyway?”

… silence…

“Well… ”

“Ummm…”

“How do YOU think someone would get pregnant Sweetlove?” (answering a question with a question, lol)

“Well mama, you would lay down with papa and love eachother, is that right? So can you do that again to make a boy and a girl next time?”

He knows all of this HOW????

July 29, 2008 at 7:02 am 2 comments

mmmmm… cinn.abon!

So one thing i do when i am 1) sick, 2) tired, 3) stressed or 4) upset … ummmm, I eat.  I have a sweet tooth, ok well all my teeth are sweet to be honest.  So the looming gest.ational dia.betes test I had last week was threatening my livelihood and it was weighing heavily on me.  Diab.etes runs rampant on both sides of my family and I am overweight… hello… risk factor city.  So can I tell you how ELATED I was to receive news that I pass with FLYING COLORS my 1 hour glucose tolerence test?  It was the one good piece of news I’ve received all week.  All month.  I celebrated with a cinna.bon.  It was heavenly goodness.  And I felt better.  About everything.  Why does sugar do that anyways?

July 25, 2008 at 5:14 am 3 comments

not the news we were hoping for

The pathology report came back with end.ometr.ial ca.ncer in her fall.opian tub.e, her ce.rvix and in one of the lym.ph no.des they removed.  This means she is st.age 3-C.  Not the news we wanted to hear obviously.  But there are some hopeful results too – the tumor hadn’t grown since diagnosis, there was no can.cer in the flu.ids surrounding her ut.erus and only supe.rficial evidence in the lining which are strong indicators for a hopeful prog.nosis.  The fact they found it in one of the lym.ph nodes automatically drops her down to a Sta.ge 3 which really sucks because her sur.vival rate statistic drops quite a bit with that stage as well.  I was with her when she got the call this morning and she had me on the other phone taking notes for her so we wouldn’t miss any important information.  I then went and picked up the pathology report so we could see exactly what we were dealing with (ie what the doctor didn’t offer up on the phone which was actually quite a bit) and I was able to help her see the more positive aspects of this news.  She is fortunate (stupid word to use I know but I’m at a loss here) to have a can.cer that can be removed completely with the organs it has grown into and it was only “micros.copic” evidence in the one lymp.h node, not a gross invasion – so hopefully that means we caught it early enough.  I don’t really know, I’m just trying to remain positive for her sake.  She starts a 3 mo.nth round of ch.emo a week from Monday and then radi.ation treat.ment will follow.  I am kind of numb to be honest, I haven’t let myself cry yet – I can’t fall apart.  I just can’t.  The news could have been better, but it also could have been worse and that’s what I keep telling myself.  Fuck.

July 22, 2008 at 9:30 am 6 comments

mom’s surgery

Yesterday my mom had the ca.ncer in her ut.erus removed… more accurately, a ra.dical hysterecto.my including the lym.ph no.des.  The surgeon was able to do it with a lap.aroscop.ic procedure so recovery should be much easier for her than an adbominal incision would have been.  It was a very long day, the surgery was delayed a few hours due to OR time wait, but it was a quick 2.5 hours surgery time and when the doctor came to tell us how it went, my heart was in my throat.  He said it went as well as could be expected, they weren’t able to see much because they removed her uterus in one piece so the tumor inside wasn’t visible but there were no gross signs of cancer on the other parts removed or the lymph nodes.  We won’t know about staging or spread until pathology comes back in two weeks.  So we wait again.  In the meantime, mom is healing at home already.  She was released 20 hours after the surgery (!) and I spoke with her just a little while ago – the pain is making it hard for her to feel much else right now.  The ride home was apparently very painful.  I am relieved this part is over and now we can look forward to the next steps.  I find it is quite an emotional rollercoaster.  One minute we are relieved and the next we are terrified again.  I am so emotionally drained.  I haven’t been sleeping for a few nights, knowing the surgery was coming up, and by this morning I was quite the state.  Really sad, weepy, overall just spent.  I can’t really explain it, but I’m sure the exhaustion is adding to all of this.  I thought I would feel better with the good result of the surgery but I feel just as scared.  We still don’t really know any more than we did before the surgery.  Anyways, just thought I’d update on the situation as I know I’ve got some prayer warriers out there and thank you so much, it seems so far they are working!

July 12, 2008 at 7:40 am 5 comments

preparations

i have slowly begun entering the nursery in the last few weeks, just putting a few things in there that I’ve found around the house that we’ll need when the baby comes.  It feels weird being in there, for this purpose.  Too surreal to be real.  I’ve poured the internet for crib bedding, a weird obession I have, and finally after hours and hours of back and forth, I purchased this set:

Which means we’ll need to do some painting because the room doesn’t quite match these colors.  Did you know we decorated the nursery oh-so-niavely over two years ago when we first started “trying to conceive”? Isn’t that funny now looking back? Little did we know… Anyways, I’d kind of like to start fresh again, with a fresh theme (froggies this time) and put behind us these last two years of longing in that room.  I had A go under the house to the storage room and dig up all Sweetlove’s infant clothing yesterday so I could wash it all and organize things for the new baby… that feels so weird to say still!  23 weeks in and I’m still in denial! The baby is kicking me in the bladder all day long and it still doesn’t compute that this might actually come true. Like if I hold on too tightly to this dream it might slip away.  Ah the joys of infertility. So then we pulled everything out of the nursery closet and we’re setting up an organizer system to put the first year of clothes and such away.  Sweetlove was a preemie and was always in the 15% for growth so he was always a little behind the sizes for his age which was nice because he fit everything for a good amount of time.  I wonder if this baby will be the same or will he be a chub-a-bub?  I wonder so many things about this little peanut.  I can’t wait to meet him.  He’s already got quite the personality.  I’m sneezing a lot right now with these allergies and when I do, the baby just kicks me so hard like saying, “Mom please! I’m sleeping!”.  Bossy like his big brother 😉

Sweetlove started daycare this week now that my mom has retired from taking care of him.  His first day was nerve wracking for me, I called a few times to see how he was doing and when I picked him up the kid didn’t want to come home!  I was delighted with this, it means he had a good day and he is asking when he can go back!  It’s nice because all the kids are his age and there are only 5 of them and 2 teachers, with a montes.sori program built into the day.  I can tell my mom is really missing him though, she’s picked him up twice this weekend for little outings with Grandpa.  She says she’s going through withdrawal, and I can tell he misses her too.  His Grandma is really his number 1, the love affair between those two is so sweet.  And he’s good medicine for her too, she really perks up when they are together.

My blood pressure seems to be holdiing steady.  I am resting as much as I can on my left side which is when my BP behaves the best.  I have an OB appt on Wednesday for a check up.

July 7, 2008 at 2:36 am 1 comment

in the arms of the angels

Today the world lost an incredible young woman and God gained an angel.  Andrea Collins-Smith, aka PunkRockMommy.  She battled Inflammatory Breast Cancer for 14 months and even though I had no personal connection to her or her family, I have been reading her blog since WhyMommy mentioned her during her own IBC battle.  I’ve been reading Andrea’s blog since the early days of her diagnosis and mostly connected to her love for her children and gained amazing perspective from her in terms of living life for what it is today and loving your kids and your husband and taking each moment at its fullest.  Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and all of a sudden, Andrea’s blog became a lifeline for me.  I poured over her posts taking all I could from them, soaking up her wisdom and gaining a better understanding of what it will be like for my mom in the months ahead.  Andrea’s strength was incredible, her journey was so difficult yet she seemed to travel it with such grace.  Her inspiration is boundless.

So today when I read her last blog post, the one she wrote to be posted after her passing, my heart sank.  Andrea was in a lot of pain and she wrote that she was ready to cross over, her body had taken enough and her soul was ready to fly.  I ache deeply for her young children and her husband.  Her friends and her family.  She was surrounded by so many incredible people who helped her care for her and her six children (including one baby) during the past year, to have that many friends and huge circle of support she must have been one hell of a woman.  Her legacy will live on in her children and as she said in her last blog, “my children will move mountains.”

So today I just wanted to take a minute out and say a few words about someone I’ve never met yet has inspired me in more ways than I can even describe.  I’m sure there are hundreds of us strangers all over the world right now feeling the same way.  She was incredible.  Andrea, you will be missed.  I trust you are in the arms of the angels finally at peace, my dear.

July 6, 2008 at 4:18 am 3 comments

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