Archive for June, 2008

lots more trucks in our future

waving hand ultrasound

We’ve got another BOY in the oven 🙂  I have to admit we were “hoping” for a girl this time, but once I saw the little boy parts I instantly connected with the little guy and there are no words except BLESSING in my heart for this little one.  All this means is that I’m going to want to try again in a few years for another one… a girl.  A is not willing to discuss it “at this time” ha! We may be too close to the storm to even go there still.  And I’m not really sure I could imagine going through this again right now either.

Sweetlove is very excited about a baby brother in his future.  He wants to call him Benten.  We are not so sure about that!  Names are going to be hard – I had some great girl names picked out but we are not agreeing on the boy names yet.

My mom had an uplifting appointment with her last week and she is feeling more positive since then.  I think her doctor calmed her fears quite a bit.  Now we are just waiting for a surgery date. Hopefully soon. She wants this out of her ASAP.  She likens it to feeling like bugs are crawling through her insides eating her up and she just wants it out.  I can’t even imagine.

This weekend coming up is Ca.nada Day long weekend so many relatives are joining us at the lake for the usual summer shinanigans and we are looking forward to some quality family time and hot sunny weather.  There is nothing like a sunny day on the beach in the summer time with a bunch of little ones! 


June 25, 2008 at 7:48 am 5 comments

all is well in the ute

ultrasound went very well today. the technician was very good at showing me every measurement and every little body part and took her time on each area.  she did an internal afterwards to take a closer look at the cyst on my right ovary (i’ve had it since the clomid days and its about 4cm dia) i said, “are you worried about it, is that why you are looking closer?” she said, “well i just want to have a better look and make sure its not anything sinister.” like i need to worry about that too, shit, i held my breath the entire time.  it looked fine i think, she didn’t seem concerned.

anyways, she wouldn’t tell me the gender of the baby.  “hospital policy” she said.  that’s just crap, in my opinion.  so now i have to pay a hundred bucks to go to a private clinic and have a gender assessment ultrasound done.  i made the appt as soon as we got home. its for friday at 11:45 am.

baby is measuring 19w4d, so we’re back to november 8 due date which corresponds to the day with my 8 week ultrasound as well.  Placenta is at the top, fluid looks good, cervix is nice and long, everything seemed to be just as it should be.  I guess until I hear the report from the doctor I can’t be sure, but it was reaffirming to see the baby so active and healthy looking.  I couldn’t get over the difference in detail between the external and internal views – from the transvag.inal view, I could see every little detail inside his/her abdomen, the kidneys, the heart chambers, and inside his/her head, the brain, everything.  It was really amazing.  I have a perfect picture of his/her little hand stretched out, you can see every little detail.  I will upload it tomorrow when i’m in the office.

thanks for all your good wishes!

June 19, 2008 at 6:12 am 4 comments

big day tomorrow…

I should be 20w2d tomorrow, according to my OB.  We have our level II ultrasound at 2:00.  I’m slightly terrified, I really need this baby to be healthy.  For his/her own sake, and for the fact that I couldn’t handle any more bad news right now. 

My whole family is a bit paralyzed by my mom’s diagnosis.  It seemed like she was doing OK and then yesterday she crumbled emotionally and in turn, I feel like i have as well.  The impending doom is just too much.  I have a lump in my throat and a tightness in my chest that I can’t shake.  Ugh, I can’t even describe in words how awful this is.

I went to visit a few daycares today, trying to find a place for Sweetlove now that mom can’t take care of him during the day.  He’s never been in daycare.  Most he’s had is preschool 2 hours x 2 / week.  He’s old enough now though that I feel OK about it.  Just shitty about the situation and no place is as good as Grandma’s.  And I’m not biased either.  My mom is the world’s best care provider for a small child.  She never turns on the TV, she teaches him things every day, reads to him, takes him to swimming lessons, preschool, the park, you name it.  And the priceless love of his Grandma.  He’s had a lucky 3 years of her influence.  I credit her for his brilliance (not that I’m biased) and his love of reading.

Wish me luck tomorrow.  I’ll update afterwards with hopefully some news of the gender as well.

June 18, 2008 at 7:32 am 2 comments

learning to dance in the rain

My warrior mom.  She’s so strong.  I have had a headache for three days from crying several times a day.  I am feeling such grief, such fear, it’s the first time in my life I have ever felt this afraid of the future.  She finally got a date with the clin.ic next Friday so things are starting to happen.  We live in Vancou.ver so we are really fortunate to be close to a world reknown agency with top research and the best doctors.  And my brother is finishing his last year of medical school so he’s got a lot of connections in the field already and he’s going to help us navigate this very scary journey.  My dad, uncles, my husband, my male cousins all went on a “guys weekend” to the cabin this weekend — leaving me and Sweetlove to fend for ourselves and my mom as well.  It’s much needed r&r time for my father and for my husband, both of whom are being leaned on pretty heavily right now for support.  I spent the afternoon with my mom and Sweetlove, and tomorrow I’m bringing her with me to Sweetlove’s soccer pratice then we’ll go to a movie and out for dinner, keep busy as much as we can. 

I had an OB appt this week.  It was about an hour after I found out about my mom’s diagnosis so I wasn’t quite myself.  My blood pressure was elevated (really? no shit) but still not hypertensive so I wasn’t too worried.  I’ve got tun.nel in my wrists which is causing my fingers to swell a lot and my wrists hurt.  My tummy is getting huge and I’m feeling really rotund.  I am feeling kicks daily now and it’s wonderful.  My skin is getting worse by the day – my neck, back, shoulders, chest, and face are a road map of crazy acne. It’s really bothering me a lot but I don’t want to use anything other than soap and water on my face right now, just in case.  I guess I just have to wait it out and hope it goes away before the end of this pregnancy.  I’m so self-conscious of it.  Wednesday is our big level II ultras.ound so praying all is well in there and we can find out the gender of the baby too.  I’d love to be able to tell my mom she’s having her first granddaughter.  But either way, we’ll be overjoyed.  I just know I’m not doing this again so it would be nice to have a daughter.  At this point though we would be happy with a healthy baby of any gender.  I’m not sure I could take any more bad news.




June 14, 2008 at 10:12 am 4 comments

juggling the fear and the hope

Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.  It really does help to know there are people out there who can pray and care like do you.

This morning my mom was formally diagnosed with 3 ( 3 being the most aggressive form) and her case has been transferred to the onc.ologists at the can.cer clinic downtown.  She needs to have some more diagnostic testing done to find out what “stage” she has and where it might have spread.  They have found cells on her cer.vix which is not a good sign.   I heard my father cry for the first time in my life today. 

There isn’t much more to say. I’m kind of a loss for words. 

June 11, 2008 at 4:19 am 3 comments

the worst phone call of my life

You know, growing up, I’ve always been relatively sheltered from tragedy, illness, death, hardship… I had a pretty idealic childhood.  Things came easy for me.  I have two great parents, still in love to this day, they only nurtured me and gave me all the goodness that adds to who I am today.  Their biggest fault was loving me too much, overprotecting me.  My extended families are alike, middle class, average, hard working people with healthy lifestyles.  No drugs, no dysfunction, etc.  I had a textbook childhood.  Then I met my husband at 19, got married, bought a house, had a baby… infer.tility was the absolute hardest battle I’ve ever fought.  The closest I’ve come to personal illness.  My grandmother had skin cancer earlier this year and my Uncle has a rare form of dim.ensia and that is the closest I’ve come to family illness.  Anyways… the point I’m getting to is that all that bad stuff you hear about in the world never happened to me or anyone I knew.  So when my mom called me yesterday and told me they found a tu.mor in her and it was likely can.cer…. I honestly could not even comprehend it.  Today she had a and the doctor confirmed her worst fears.  I still have the words ringing in my ears.  Can.cer.  Chem.other.apy.  Surgery.  Recovery.  Hope.  My mom is the toughest person I know and at 54, she’s a healthy woman with a full life ahead of her and I know this type of can.cer is a “good one to get” but holy shit, I am reeling.  I tried to be strong on the phone with her but the tears just won’t stop as I sit here and try to think about what she’s going to go through. How niave I have been to think I could just float through life and narrowly miss the bullets of disease and tragedy.  At 29, I’ve got a lifetime ahead of me to understand all of this.  One thing I do understand is that my mother is my best friend and both me and my son’s hero, she nurtures everyone and takes care of us all.  She is the one who flies in when something goes wrong and takes care of business.  And now she’s facing her own battle.  And I have no doubt she will fight this like she does everything else in her life.  It just feels really evil that I have a baby growing in my uterus and she’s got can.cer in hers.  How is that fair?

June 4, 2008 at 5:53 am 5 comments

and the JOY has come through the FOG

Wow… it feels like I have awoken from a four month long coma of fatigue and illness.  I am feeling so much better, I can’t even say.  I’d say this last week was a major turning point.  Not only is my energy back but the nausea has majorly subsided.  I still have moments of it, but seriously, I am feeling so much like myself I can’t even describe how good it feels.  I’ve been weaning myself off the for the last week and I’ve noticed my headaches decreasing so I wonder if that was the cause of the headaches as well?  Anyways I’ll take it!  I have found the joy in this pregnancy and I am going to revel in it.  I honestly wasn’t sure it was ever going to end – was I going to be one of the few who had nine months of sickness?  I was preparing myself for it.  And it was daunting.  There were moments in the last few months, more than I’d like to admit, that if there was an EJECT button I might have pressed it.  It was that bad.  And the fact that those thoughts even entered my mind after all we’ve been through to get here is just ridiculous.  I am looking very pregnant these days.  I popped a few weeks ago and every day I look down at this giant round belly and wonder if there might be a hiding 2nd baby in there somewhere.  I am really self-conscious when I am out in public though – I am a bigger girl to start with and I wonder if people look at me and think I’m just fatter around the middle than I used to be.  A says I look totally pregnant but what else is he gonna say right? I feel the baby kicking daily now and it is a nice reassurance things are on track down there.  The Doppler we use at home finds the heartbeat within a few seconds now but I try to not use it unless I absolutely need the reassurance, so maybe once a week or so.  My big u/s is in two weeks and I’m nervous out about what could go wrong but trying not to focus on it.


This is really just for my own records but I need to write down how I’m physically feeling at this point in the pregnancy.  I wish I’d kept a record of the last time because I don’t remember anything from last time.  My hips are hurting quite a bit, especially my right hip.  I’m having round ligament pains when I stand or move in bed.  I’m keeping the heartburn at bay nicely with AC.  My boobs have grown out of all my bras so I bought a nursing bra a little big (at the time) which fits now but is still big enough to fill when the milk comes in.  And they hurt a lot still, especially at night when I’m sleeping.  My skin is atrocious – I’ve tried so many (natural) things to try to control the acne but nothing is working.  My face is just awful and my shoulders and back are too, sorry and YUCK!  I know!  None of this is glamorous.  My blood pressure is holding steady and my next dr appt on june 10th will hopefully keep things the same.  Other than that, I just feel like a giant whale… so maybe I’ll feel like an elephant by the end of this!


Yesterday was a nice sunny day so we took Sweetlove to a water park in town and brought a little bbq to set up a hot dog picnic and even roasted marshmellows, Sweetlove’s favourite.  It felt so good to be out of the house and amongst the living again, watching my son race through the water puddles with his little truck, it was a wonderful day.  I’m appreciating life again, and it is amazing.   I think sometimes it’s healing to experience some isolating illness which shields you from the world for a while, and only then can you really appreciate the “little things” that make life so wonderful.

June 2, 2008 at 5:05 am 2 comments

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