10w5d

April 21, 2008 at 8:32 am 3 comments

well… i had a post all ready to go on Friday talking about how much better I was feeling… and then Saturday happened.  And this weekend I felt like utter crap.  Friday was a good day though!  I actually went GROCERY shopping for the first time since this whole situation began.  And I stopped to visit my five month old Goddaughter after my dr appt too.  The first friend I’ve seen since before my mexico holiday.  No one even saw me with a tan… how sad is that!  I am coming out of the fog a bit though, which feels good. 

Then there are those moments where I want to die because I feel so awful and on the other hand there are more moments when I think I can do this.  And truly, at the end of the day there are now more moments of thinking I can do this than wanting to die, so things are getting a bit better.  I still haven’t really connected with the baby growing inside of me though.  I haven’t had a single baby dream, or bought a single baby thing.  I haven’t talked to the baby or thought lovingly about the future of this baby… what is wrong with me?  I wanted this for soooooo long… and I think I’m just so afraid it will be ripped away from me that its easier to protect myself by avoiding feelings for it.  I think.  I wonder when I will feel safe enough to bond with it? 

I met with my OB on Friday.  My blood pressure was high, 150/95.  Well what can I say – the anxiety of having my blood pressure taken freaks me right out and if it wasn’t high I would have been shocked.  I am taking it at home and its pretty steadily 110/65.  My dr wants to see me again on Friday to check it again, but I know it will be high again — how do I get over this wh.ite coat hypert.ension?  I will take my log of BP’s over the past week to him and take my BP monitor to make sure it matches what he gets too. 

I’m on a short term disability leave from work because of this hypere.mesis too.  I work from home part time hours but going into the office is just not a possibility while I am sick like this.  I hope now that I’m coming up on 11 weeks that there is just a few more weeks of this.  “Mama, are you still too sick to play with me?” is a tough thing to hear day after day after day.  Soooo hard.

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being tested officially 2nd trimester!

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. AZReam  |  April 21, 2008 at 11:13 am

    The BpTRU™ NIBP Monitor provides low cost, highly accurate oscillometric blood pressure, pulse and optional temperature readings for numerous medical settings.

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  • 2. Jackie  |  April 24, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    Jen, how are you feeling today? I know this is so hard! It was so long ago for me, but I do remember it. And everyone keeps giving you idea and telling you what worked for them….and nothing helped for me! Now I am going through this with my daughter. She is so happy to be pregnant (8 weeks along) but so sick and miserable. She doesn’t want to hear, “Oh, it will subside soon.” She just wants to get to 13 weeks fast!!!
    In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crosed for you that things start to improve these next few days. Hang in there.

  • 3. Jenni  |  April 25, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    Don’t worry about not connecting. It’s normal you’re trying to protect yourself. After 5 years of ttc and grieving we didn’t buy anything more than the car seat before her birth. The first few weeks were frantic with shopping but worth it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone until it was so late I was showing. They couldn’t understand my reservations but I so understand yours.

    There’s an anonymous survey on infertility at (copy and paste):
    http://www.opiniondb.com/DoSurveyList.aspx?id=9fa77374-3372-4f35-883a-6117fa991d45
    You can see the statistics once complete and it only takes a minute.

    Good luck!

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