Archive for April, 2008


well… i had a post all ready to go on Friday talking about how much better I was feeling… and then Saturday happened.  And this weekend I felt like utter crap.  Friday was a good day though!  I actually went GROCERY shopping for the first time since this whole situation began.  And I stopped to visit my five month old Goddaughter after my dr appt too.  The first friend I’ve seen since before my mexico holiday.  No one even saw me with a tan… how sad is that!  I am coming out of the fog a bit though, which feels good. 

Then there are those moments where I want to die because I feel so awful and on the other hand there are more moments when I think I can do this.  And truly, at the end of the day there are now more moments of thinking I can do this than wanting to die, so things are getting a bit better.  I still haven’t really connected with the baby growing inside of me though.  I haven’t had a single baby dream, or bought a single baby thing.  I haven’t talked to the baby or thought lovingly about the future of this baby… what is wrong with me?  I wanted this for soooooo long… and I think I’m just so afraid it will be ripped away from me that its easier to protect myself by avoiding feelings for it.  I think.  I wonder when I will feel safe enough to bond with it? 

I met with my OB on Friday.  My blood pressure was high, 150/95.  Well what can I say – the anxiety of having my blood pressure taken freaks me right out and if it wasn’t high I would have been shocked.  I am taking it at home and its pretty steadily 110/65.  My dr wants to see me again on Friday to check it again, but I know it will be high again — how do I get over this wh.ite coat hypert.ension?  I will take my log of BP’s over the past week to him and take my BP monitor to make sure it matches what he gets too. 

I’m on a short term disability leave from work because of this hypere.mesis too.  I work from home part time hours but going into the office is just not a possibility while I am sick like this.  I hope now that I’m coming up on 11 weeks that there is just a few more weeks of this.  “Mama, are you still too sick to play with me?” is a tough thing to hear day after day after day.  Soooo hard.


April 21, 2008 at 8:32 am 3 comments

being tested

Ah, what a tease that last post was.  Didn’t it sound kind of like I was getting a little more positive?  Ha!  Nope.

It really feels like every step of this journey is one big test – like how BAD do you REALLY want another child?  Here… take a month in the hospital before a general anesthetic c-section delivery and see if you want to do this again.  Here… take some post partum anxiety and let me turn it into full blown panic disorder so you really aren’t sure if you can handle another child.  Here… take two years of infertility that will mess with your marriage and your whole life and show me how bad you want this.  Here… take hype.remesis grav.idium and tell me you really want to do this again.  So as you can probably tell I’m a little frustrated right now. 

I spent yesterday in the ER of the hospital for 8 hours being pumped through IV with fluids due to severe dehydration from all the vommitting and lack of being able to keep even a sip of water down over the past five days.  It took three nurses FIVE tries to get an IV in my hand because my veins were so depressed from being dehydrated and that was painful enough that I NEVER WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.  I have no problem with needles, getting blood drawn, even IV’s don’t normally cause me distress but these FIVE tries to thread a tube through my hand veins were just brutal.  They ended up getting it in in the side of my wrist and it ached the entire time the IV was in.  Combined with nausea and lying on an uncomfortable hospital gurney all alone for a whole day surrounded by some crazies in the emergency ward – not a good day, my friends.  Not a good day.   Not to mention I’ve had to go on sick leave from work because I can’t GO to work in this condition.  Um, hi, this trimester is supposed to be the easy one for me.  I’m supposed to get complicated NEXT trimester with pregnancy induced hypertension.  Well, I’m sure things won’t disappoint – I will have that too, nevermind. 

I’m just really worn out by all this.  My wonderful mother came over today and did about a hundred loads of laundry and cleaned up my house and made me homemade chicken soup and oh yes it did help.  My house being in order makes my mind feel a little less cluttered and that does help my spirit a little, as silly as it sounds. 

But no more spotting, hey good news.

April 12, 2008 at 3:28 am 6 comments

wakey wakey

I’m a terrible blogger friend – I haven’t been reading my regular blogs lately because I’ve been feeling so terribly but I do skim my google reader when I can. I hope once this portion of pregnancy is over I will feel well enough to participate in everyone’s blogs again!

I’m still bogged down by the nausea most of the time, but I have been getting small pockets of time where I feel OK and those times are enough to carry me over and I appreciate them so. I am still so tired all the time and have zero energy, and the daily headaches (have I mentioned those?) are still bothersome but I find a little caffeine seems to quell them some.

I didn’t mention this either last week, but I had some brown spotting on Wednesday night, the night before my ultrasound, which had me pretty freaked out because I was cramping a bit too. It disappeared as quick as it came though and the ultrasound went well so I felt better. Well then this last Saturday night, I had red spotting after using the bathroom (consti.pation is not my friend) and I just don’t know what to think. No cramping or anything along with it so I’m not as concerned. I am going to call the doctor today and just mention it and see if he thinks its something to be concerned about.

9 weeks tomorrow.

April 7, 2008 at 10:30 pm 1 comment

good news! **updated with pic**

Ultrasound went perfectly.

Baby is measuring 8w2d (my calculations say 7w5d).

Heartbeat is a nice 160 bpm.


April 4, 2008 at 5:32 am 5 comments


Well. Everything is fine so far. Tomorrow is my ultrasound and I’m stressing over it constantly. What if it’s a pregnancy, or a bligh.ted o.vum, or a miss.ed I am a hormone crazed person, what can I say. But I have this nagging feeling that if I am too sure about things I will jinx myself and something bad will happen. I just really want it to be 3:00 tomorrow so we can put away these what-if’s and move on to other what-if’s.

I’m still quite sick, but with no discernible pattern. I’ll have a decent morning and a horrid afternoon and the next day the morning will be awful, afternoon OK and the evening awful too. The only thing I can count on all the time is the exhaustion. I could fall asleep at any moment, at any moment. I can’t seem to find foods that don’t either upset my stomach more or give me awful gas / indigestion. So I am sticking pretty close to carbs and water because when I do venture outside of that I pay dearly. And I’ll crave something one day and the next day the mere thought of it makes me gag. It’s the strangest thing. I HAD to have vegetable beef soup last week so A went out and bought five cans of it, made me one for lunch — and ever since the thought of it is just grotesque to me. So he’s like why did I just buy a whole shelf full of it? This conversation is repeated daily about some kind of food, yet he still continues to overbuy whatever I’m craving. And I’m too tired to care really. Zzzzzzzzzz……

My OB appt on Monday went well. He’s a high risk OB who really doesn’t do primary care anymore but because of my history (and pleading) he’s willing to take me on from the start. I feel good about that.

So……… I’ll update tomorrow with a pic from the ultrasound. Pray with me all is OK?

April 3, 2008 at 1:20 am 4 comments

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