Archive for March, 2008

4w1d

Now that 24 hours have passed since the realization of me actually being knocked up for realz has set in, a million things have run through my mind and I’m teetering on the edge of feeling like I just won the greatest lottery and feeling like oh shit, please God let this pregnancy turn out OK because my last pregnancy was the scariest thing I ever went through and while I’m prepared to do this again I’ve just been focused for so long on the getting pregnant part that I didn’t think much about the actual pregnancy itself. I’m high risk and I’ll be seen right off the bat by my OBGYN high risk specialist for lots of monitoring and if it gets more complicated, I’ll be moved over to a peri so I know I’ll be well taken care of. With Sweetlove, my BP became hypertensive at 16 weeks. I’ve been taking my BP weekly for the last four years and it has been a stable 110/65 which is nice and low but in the last few weeks strangely it has gone up and I didn’t know why – now I’m wondering if my body is already reacting to the pregnancy? With Sweetlove, I was put on BP meds at 16 weeks and they continued to increase until I was delivered at 36 weeks after 4 weeks in the hospital. If I could play out this one in the same way I would be ecstatic — but I’m scared. I’m scared and I’m grateful and blessed and freakin’ out all in the same breath. I did not sleep last night. I sat in bed, my mind just reeling with what is to come in the next months for me, for us. Plus I’ve got the anxiety to work with this time which I didn’t have last time. I am going to be staying on the SSRI as per doctors orders for this pregnancy but still, I wonder, how that will affect the baby even though I’ve been assured the risks are minimal. They weighed the risks versus benefits in my situation and all the doctors I saw for consultation on the matter believe I need to stay on this medication. It’s the lowest dosage and it’s a relatively well studied one. Before we started TTC I spent a whole year preparing myself mentally for this journey and in the last two years all that hard work was put on hold to deal with the unexpected hurdle of infertility. So now here I am feeling a bit unprepared again, it’s been a long time since I’ve considered all this information.

I saw my OBGYN just a few weeks ago to discuss the possibility of a laparascopy because I felt I might have endo. He told me he felt IVF was my best hope. I can hardly wait to see him next week again with this news.

A and I have been staring at each other in disbelief pretty much since yesterday morning. We alternate between crying and laughing, not sure how this even can be real. So very different from how we reacted when I was pregnant with Sweetlove. It’s incredible what two years of infertility will do to your psyche.

The last few days I been feeling a little “off”, before meals I have been sick to my stomach and kind of bloated crampy on and off. My bb’s are sore but my nipples are on fire, holy shit I forgot how that felt! Bring it on though, please God, bring it on.

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March 9, 2008 at 2:49 pm 5 comments

for two years i’ve been thinking of what i’d call this post…

… the one where I tell you I’m pregnant?  holy fucking shit people.  i have just added my story to the mythologies of relaxing gets you pregnant… so not my intent, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT PEOPLE I’ll take it!!!!  Yep, two years almost to the day of beginning this blog, of starting our quest for a second child, through infertility treatments and countless sleepless nights, neverending tears of what’s wrong with me, we have finally reached the holy grail.  Even if this pregnancy doesn’t go to term, you know what – we GOT pregnant and that is a feat in itself.  Naturally.  Just me and A.  I’m still in shock.  Complete utter total disbelief.

I took a test this morning in the hotel room after realizing I hadn’t woken up in agony with cramps as per my expectations (I brought a few tests along in my suitcase for good measure NEVER thinking I’d use them) and when the line started coming up I was in such disbelief that I began rubbing my eyes thinking now I’m going crazy and seeing things that aren’t even there…. two years of staring at these damn strips and making up lines to myself… A comes over to me as I start screaming HOLY FUCK! (and I’m not even a cusser where is all this profanity coming from?) DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU SEE THE LINE?????  He sees it, and now looking at it its dark as day, plain as ever.  I’m friggin pregnant.  And I’m going to relish this day for as long as it lasts and not catastrophize what might happen tomorrow ….

 I still feel like I’m dreaming… please, don’t wake me up…

March 8, 2008 at 3:03 pm 4 comments

the day in which my hope bubbles just a littttttle…

Today was another perfect day… the sky was a pure blanket of blue goodness and while A golfed from sunrise, I went to breakfast alone (kind of nice actually, everyone should do it once in a while) and then found my way to our “spot” in the pool. He came back from his golf game pretty happy (read: drunk) after being fed beer on the greens all morning, and we resumed our regular schedule of lounging, sipping pina coladas (virgin for me) and reapplying sunscreen as often as it takes to avoid looking like a lobster by dinner time.

I might also mention that today is also the last day of this cycle. I should have cramps by now, and spotting, none of which have presented themselves to me which of course just fuels the dream of mayyyybbbeee “taking a vacation” was all it took? Ha! I can’t even go there. But how can I not daydream of the what-if’s, and like I haven’t already figured out my due date would be November 15th. Like I haven’t already calculated important dates like when bedrest would start for me, etc. After 19 cycles its interesting how I still hold that little dream as precious as always, just waiting for it to present itself to me when I least expect it. So I guess time will tell, if relaxing really does make babies. I’ll let you know tomorrow…

Now I’ll leave you with a few pictures of where I’ve been this last week…

room

view

resort

March 7, 2008 at 11:01 pm 1 comment

my ears are burnt

Today was a good day – we’ve ramped up our sun time to five hours today, and my ankle is still swollen and black and blue but doesn’t hurt nearly as much.  We had to attend a “presentation’ by the resort today in order to get our free round of golf and free spa gift certificate, which was two hours of torture – but worthwhile since it will save us about 400 USD.   Man, I can’t believe how pushy those presentations are!  They want you to give them forty thousand dollars to buy fifty weeks of vacations with the resort chain – like seriously, we are the WRONG demographic for that.  I didn’t tell them we’ve just committed to spending upwards of 35,000 on adopting a child and vacation timeshares are not on our horizon in the next oh, twenty or thirty years.  Seriously, not happening.  Taking no for an answer wasn’t exactly their strong suit either but we got it through to them and walked away unharmed.   We were on our pool loungers by 10:30 this morning and spent the entire day there with a couple we met from Minnesota, which was interesting.  Republicans from the US versus Democrats from Canada… needless to say the conversation was interesting! We came back for our daily siesta from 3:00-5:00 and then went out for a nice dinner to the golf club on the resort for some Japanese food.  We came back to our room and spoke with Sweetlove over webcam for a few minutes and now I’m going to spend some time online to complete the first of our adoption courses, part of the education requirement of the homestudy.  Friends of ours who are pursuing adoption right now are going through a rough time.  They were matched with a local baby in December that fell through last minute, and now again their second match fell through on the day of the birth on Saturday.  So heartbreaking.  I guess we should prepare ourselves for that, but wow, how do you get past such disappointment?  I feel very strongly that if a mother is having doubts that she should keep her child unless she is absolutely sure; and a child’s first place belongs with his/her birth family so it’s hard to say to our friends that we wish things went differently because really, you want what’s best for the child in each situation and if staying with the birth mother is the end result then I believe that is the right place for him/her.  And I hope when I am faced with the same situation that I can see past my own heartbreak and disappointment in the same light.  It’s just all so hard.  I think that I do see things a bit differently going into this from the point of view of having a biological child and being a mother already.  I know what it feels like to carry a child for nine months and love that child from before you set eyes on him/her.  I could not imagine making the choice to give that child a better life with another family.  I truly could not imagine.  I think I will learn a lot through the education component of the homestudy though, and I won’t feel so green with all this.   So we only have four more full days here in paradise… I can’t believe its gone by so quickly!  We are SO not ready for this to be over.  As much as we miss our Sweetlove, we definitely are having the most incredible time together.  And the best part about it is just being with eachother.  Something we haven’t really made time for in a long time.  Just the two of us, rediscovering why we got married.  And I’ve learned that I would marry him all over again, and I’m damn lucky to have him.   A little re-affirmation goes a long way sometimes 😉 Til tomorrow… Buenos noches!

March 6, 2008 at 3:40 am Leave a comment

stumbles mcgee they call me

So much for writing every day while we are here! I didn’t realize how busy it is to be so relaxed! Well, our first full day in paradise didn’t quite go as planned. It started off ok but then… well I’ll explain.

We spent the morning at the pool on the other side of the resort just to get an idea of where the best spots were. After a few hours of hot sun and not wanting to overdo it too quickly, I came back to our room in the afternoon for a nap. A stayed back by the pool. Well right outside our balcony a wedding reception was in midstride on the beach with mariachis (sp?) and it was quite lively so I thought, heck – I’ll just go down to the beach myself and read a while and watch the festivities! The music was pretty loud – sleep wasn’t happening for me. So I made it across the pavement path and stepped down onto the grass, distracted by the giant horse and buggy behind me carrying the bride and groom and I swiftly bailed over the step and went down like a ton of bricks, camera, book flying and all. A little tidbit about me – I am a total klutz. Like major. I trip and fall probably every few months in some embarrassing manner and usually it’s no big deal. Everyone laughs, ha ha, and on we go. Well this time I was a bit stunned because I knew pretty quickly was not the usual trip – my left knee was beaten up pretty bad by the cement and my right ankle was on fire. I immediately burst into involuntary tears, unable to stand up at all. Within a few minutes resort staff were around me speaking to me in Spanish and I kept saying I’m fine, I’m fine. I totally wasn’t but I hated the attention I was drawing and I just wanted to be left alone. I sat there for a few more minutes and my foot began to swell to ginormous proportions, realizing I should probably ice it which involved getting back to my room on my own up 3 flights of stairs, ouch. Ante came back to the room an hour later and by that time I’d called the resort doctor to come look at my ankle – I was sure it was broken. Well it wasn’t but it was a good sprain and she fixed me right up. She spoke with hotel management and had us move rooms to a ground level suite right next to the main pool (huge score) and it makes all the difference. I’ve got a splint thing for my leg when I’m up and around and some crutches but I haven’t needed those since day 2. I’m still limping around but it’s getting better each day. It just really sucks because to get anywhere around this huge resort you gotta walk it.

We are having a fantastic time regardless – spending our evenings at the a la carte restaurants in the golf club – super food and amazing service. The weather has been amazing, we really can’t complain about a thing. I hope I am able to get around better in the next few days so we can take a trip to the flea markets to pick up some souvenir stuff for the fam back home.

March 4, 2008 at 7:12 pm 1 comment

hot sun here we come

We have arrived in Cancun. And might I say… this is a LONG overdue vacation. A is filling the two man Jacuzzi tub as I speak and we will commence a lovely hot tub together overlooking the ocean within minutes… 😉 ahhh… to be newlyweds again! I plan to blog daily from here so as to keep a memory journal of our holiday, since really – we only do this once a decade! So I apologize in advance for bombarding you with our vacation escapades. And it will probably be somewhat groundhog day-ish – we are lay on the beach kind of people, not adventurers by any stretch of the imagination! Luckily A and I are incredibly alike this way, we like to lather up with sunscreen and bask in the sun for days on end. I brought four big books along for reading material, and I also hope to tackle the design and writing of our adoption profile while we are here with so much freakin’ free time!

Our alarm went off this morning at a painful 3:20 am – enough time to shower, load up the car and get to the airport by 4:30 for a 6:30 flight. We cleared US customs without a hitch, got ourselves a couple of fruit smoothies and walked into the gate right as they were boarding our plane. This time we flew Ala.ska Air since we had unused credits from our cancelled phoe.nix trip last year, and I wasn’t all that impressed with the plane. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this but we normally fly first class with Air Can.ada so my expectations are high. Alas.ka’s first class cabin kind of sucks in comparison. The seats were nice and comfy but really low-tech – no electrical outlets or gadgets to speak of. But the service was good. A took advantage of the free drinks and kept the stewardess busy refilling his crown royal and diet pepsi… his mood got increasingly pleasant as the hours passed… hmmmm I wonder why?! We flew from Vancou.ver to Sea.ttle and then connected there to Can.cun. The day went fast and A and I enjoyed each other’s company ~ it reminded me of our honeymoon 7 years ago… footloose and fancy free again! Except this time it was from our sweet little guy who we left at home and I miss like CRAZY already! We’ve already spoken over webcam tonight so I think I’ll be ok. Just seeing his face and hearing his voice is helping.

We arrived in Canc.un to an overcast, humid day, around 4:30 pm with the new time change. We were both exhausted and ready to unload. I overpacked like I always do so we were lugged down by 5 suitcases (!!!) and two laptops… we were shuttled to the hotel – we are staying at the Mo.on Pala.ce here in Cancun and it is utterly gorgeous. Our room is right on the white sandy beach, all we can see from our bed is ocean across the entire floor to ceiling windows. We’ve got a king bed and the double Jacuzzi tub, along with a double walk-in shower as well, this is really top notch. We unpacked our stuff and got organized. We hit up the Italian restaurant for dinner and now we’ve come back to our room for a little bath and bed. We are exhausted. Everyone we see here is burnt to a crisp so the weather has to have been nice lately – I vow to NOT burn though, both A and I have done a few tanning bed sessions to prepare ourselves for the hot Mexican sun and we will put on lots of sunscreen!

Adios, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. don’t be too jealous 😛

March 1, 2008 at 2:38 am 2 comments

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