still dreaming

March 20, 2008 at 9:36 pm Leave a comment

Is this really still happening? I keep waiting to be woken up from the world’s best dream. Today is 5w5d and is the same day of pregnancy I was when I started vomitting with Sweetlove. I am pretty queasy and yucky in the tummy but not that nauseous that I’m holding a bag or anything. I keep waiting for that shoe to drop. And then I worry that it hasn’t yet – is there something wrong? Is this pregnancy not progressing? I am so crazy. I can’t even voice these things IRL because I get that “look” … like wow, she begs for this for two years and now she’s got it and she’s STILL second guessing it all… well, if you haven’t walked two years in these infertile shoes you just don’t know.

I’ve moved up my appt with my high risk doc to March 31st – a week from Monday, aka 7wd2. My ultrasound is still on the 3rd, aka 7w5d. I have a requisition I need to pick up to have my prenatal blood work done, I think I might do that today. I’ve been reading madly online about when the highest risk for miscarriage is and it seems to be 4-6 weeks. So I will breathe a tiny bit (not a lot) easier on Saturday when my 6w mark hits. I’m feeling all the right things still – unbelievably sore bb’s, getting up to p in the night 4-5 times (annoying but I’ll take it!), exhausted beyond exhausted, and the very best part: at the end of the day when I go to lie down my tummy bulges out and I can FEEL my uterus has grown, its not something I would recognize if I haven’t been pregnant before, but I remember the feeling and it is beyond words.

I have started connecting to the “pregnancy” idea but I know I’m still resisting thinking too much about the actual child growing inside me. It’s too sweet of a thought and I feel like I will jinx myself if I get too attached to him/her. I close my eyes and lay my hand on my tummy and pray a lot though. That’s as close as I can get right now.

As I’ve mentioned a few posts back, Sweetlove is in Arizona with my mom, visiting my Grandparents. There’s a lot of relatives there right now and I love that he is getting to know his Great Grandparents in a way he hasn’t before – an afternoon visit here and there is just not the same. My mom says they are getting a real kick out of him and he is lapping up all the attention from the elderly folk who just adore the little ones. Apparently he’s been telling anyone who will listen, his “secret” … “my mama has a baby in her tummy!” oh dear. I really wanted to wait until this trimester was over before the extended family knew. It’s hard to tell a four year old this though, he doesn’t understand why. And last night on the phone he asked me if the baby had come out of my tummy yet… I’m surprised by how much he’s thinking about it and a bit worried how we will handle it if something happens, I guess hindsight is 20/20. I really didn’t think he’d be this interested. I think it’s sweet, but maybe we told him too soon. Another reason I pray and hope this turns out OK.

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5w2d bleh

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