Archive for March, 2008

7 weeks — warning: complaints ahead

I’m counting the minutes, the hours, the days until this ghastly period of morning sickness is over.  Calling it morning sickness is really an insult to those of us who have to explain to every person who looks at us why we look so “green”.  It should be called first trimester, all day, all night misery.  Even with the dic.lectin the constant nausea is debilitating.  Totally utterly paralyzing.  I am coming to work each day, sitting at my desk and staring blankly into my computer for hours on end. 

My incredible husband has taken over my task of getting Sweetlove up in the morning and taking him to Grandma’s and then picking him up at the end of the day, bringing him home, making us all dinner, bathing Sweetlove and putting him to bed.  Whilst I lay on the couch or in my bed in a daze of nauseous, exhausted mess.  During the evening while Sweetlove is up, he brings trucks to me and we play monster truck jam show together or I read to him for as long as I can muster the words.  Or we watch Scooby Doo together as he curls up in my shoulder and I close my eyes quietly. 

I’m feeling so guilty for my lack of productivity, both at home and at work.  I’m feeling so guilty for feeling so bitter about this too, like I haven’t been BEGGING for this for the last two years?  I want that baby at the end of the tunnel and I’m willing to go through this to get there, but I can’t possibly say I am loving it.  Or enjoying it.  I am barely making it.   I just don’t want there to be any question of how badly I want this and am willing to endure anything – I just wish I wasn’t being tested so heavily for it. 

Ugh.  Please, 4:00 can’t come too soon… neither can 13 weeks for that matter!

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March 29, 2008 at 2:44 am 5 comments

thankful for dic.lectin

Well at least the nausea & vomitting hit me at the exact same gestation (5w5d) as my pregnancy with Sweetlove… that’s a good sign right? On the other hand, I must have blocked out the misery because I don’t remember it being this bad. A says it was, he says it was just like this. Or rather, I was just like this. But it was almost 5 years ago – that’s a long time. And I’m sorry to compain but this F’ING sucks. I know I asked for this, I know I wanted it, I know all that. It’s just… there is no let up. BUT THINGS ALL CHANGED YESTERDAY WHEN I went to a walk in clinic at my last wit, and the doctor gave me a script for dicl.ectin. The canad.ian version of zo.fran I believe. I took them last night and this morning AND I HAVEN’T PUKED SINCE PEOPLE! I am still nauseated most of the day and now sleepy like a smurf, but I’m not puking and that, my friends, is a good thing. I had to take dicl.ectin last pregnancy too but waited much longer before I succumbed and with all my responsibilites and Sweetlove to take care of, it’s just too much for me this time. I am barely getting through the day and am zero productive at work. I’m still zero productive under the haze of the dic.lectin but its more managable for sure.

March 26, 2008 at 7:52 am 2 comments

bleh

migraine for 36 hours

+

vomitting since friday night

___________________

6w1d

March 23, 2008 at 11:21 pm 1 comment

still dreaming

Is this really still happening? I keep waiting to be woken up from the world’s best dream. Today is 5w5d and is the same day of pregnancy I was when I started vomitting with Sweetlove. I am pretty queasy and yucky in the tummy but not that nauseous that I’m holding a bag or anything. I keep waiting for that shoe to drop. And then I worry that it hasn’t yet – is there something wrong? Is this pregnancy not progressing? I am so crazy. I can’t even voice these things IRL because I get that “look” … like wow, she begs for this for two years and now she’s got it and she’s STILL second guessing it all… well, if you haven’t walked two years in these infertile shoes you just don’t know.

I’ve moved up my appt with my high risk doc to March 31st – a week from Monday, aka 7wd2. My ultrasound is still on the 3rd, aka 7w5d. I have a requisition I need to pick up to have my prenatal blood work done, I think I might do that today. I’ve been reading madly online about when the highest risk for miscarriage is and it seems to be 4-6 weeks. So I will breathe a tiny bit (not a lot) easier on Saturday when my 6w mark hits. I’m feeling all the right things still – unbelievably sore bb’s, getting up to p in the night 4-5 times (annoying but I’ll take it!), exhausted beyond exhausted, and the very best part: at the end of the day when I go to lie down my tummy bulges out and I can FEEL my uterus has grown, its not something I would recognize if I haven’t been pregnant before, but I remember the feeling and it is beyond words.

I have started connecting to the “pregnancy” idea but I know I’m still resisting thinking too much about the actual child growing inside me. It’s too sweet of a thought and I feel like I will jinx myself if I get too attached to him/her. I close my eyes and lay my hand on my tummy and pray a lot though. That’s as close as I can get right now.

As I’ve mentioned a few posts back, Sweetlove is in Arizona with my mom, visiting my Grandparents. There’s a lot of relatives there right now and I love that he is getting to know his Great Grandparents in a way he hasn’t before – an afternoon visit here and there is just not the same. My mom says they are getting a real kick out of him and he is lapping up all the attention from the elderly folk who just adore the little ones. Apparently he’s been telling anyone who will listen, his “secret” … “my mama has a baby in her tummy!” oh dear. I really wanted to wait until this trimester was over before the extended family knew. It’s hard to tell a four year old this though, he doesn’t understand why. And last night on the phone he asked me if the baby had come out of my tummy yet… I’m surprised by how much he’s thinking about it and a bit worried how we will handle it if something happens, I guess hindsight is 20/20. I really didn’t think he’d be this interested. I think it’s sweet, but maybe we told him too soon. Another reason I pray and hope this turns out OK.

March 20, 2008 at 9:36 pm Leave a comment

5w2d

Sweetlove left with my mom yesterday to spend spring break in Arizona at my Grandparent’s winter home (they are snowbirds who fly south for the winter). It was bittersweet, it feels like we’ve been away from him so long and here he is gone again. We spent Saturday having a fun family day – took Luka bowling and played lots of trucks, painted some crafts, just generally got our fill of him before we took him to the airport on Sunday morning. We came home and I promptly crashed in bed, slept most of the afternoon. I am not sleeping well at night at all so during the day I’m just so exhausted. I have noticed I’m quite irritable, easily annoyed and can bite your head off with the flick of an eyelash. Of course A is getting the brunt of it ~ and being as good of a sport as he can be too. Laughing at me when I am being ridiculous. I’m feeling queasiness most of the day but nothing too awful yet. I calculated that I starting vomitting at 5w6d last pregnancy so I figure by Friday it might kick in. In a way I hope it happens cuz then I’ll know this is real and in a way I pray it doesn’t cuz well, it sucks to throw up on your way to work and all day long. So far the most prominent symptom is the sore bb’s. I have ginormous knockers on a good day so as these puppies get more painful and even BIGGER it’s like reining in the herd of sheep from the pasture. Not an easy feat! And I’m super bloated, I already feel like I’ve popped out and I know its just bloating so far. I’m starving most of the time too, I’ll eat breakfast and an hour later be ravenous again! The cramping has tapered off for the most part but it still comes and goes in a muted way.

I spoke with the adop.tion age.ncy today and they have been so kind as to return our 3500 dollar ho.me stu.dy fee, thank GOODNESS. They are going to keep me on the list until the baby is born (that just sounds a little presumptuous to me, but anyway that’s how he put it) “just in case”. Because once we are off the list, there will be no opportunity to be grandfathered under the old rules.

Work is already suffering a fair deal. I am distracted and at a loss of motivation to get much done. It is only a matter of time! Before I was distracted by infertility, and now I’m distracted by preg____. I’m not going to be employee of the year, I don’t think. I’m just soooooooooooooo tired. I could fall asleep at any minute.

March 17, 2008 at 10:34 pm 2 comments

a week i’ll never forget…

tomorrow will be one week since we found out the news.  it has been such a rollercoaster.  i’ve probably gotten 10 hours of sleep in the past week.  i don’t want to sound like i’m complaining though, because i am feeling blessed beyond words.  its just nothing like i envisioned it to be… how niave i was to believe i would get a positive test and all of a sudden the last two years of feeling broken and defeated would vanish and i would rise above like none of it ever happened?  i guess that’s not how it works.  every morning i wake up and it comes to me, my current state, this miracle growing inside of me, and i wonder how this could possibly be? when will i believe it? when will it stop feeling like i’m lying every time i say the words? 

i saw my family physician yesterday, both to give her the news and have her look at my sprained ankle.  she was elated for me, gave me a big hug and just kept shaking her head and how incredible it is.  i’ve been seeing her for 16 years now and through everything, she is truly the one person who i can’t pretend with.  she knows my anxieties, my fears, my emotional weaknesses, my physical shortcomings, everything.  anyways, she doesn’t want to treat this pregnancy like anything other than what it is – by having beta tests or too early ultrasounds – she probably knows it’ll give me more to stress over than probably necessary.   so i’ve got an ultrasound booked for apr 3rd.  i’ll be 7w5d and by then a heartbeat should be clearly visible, especially since i’m positive on my dates.

now if we can reach that date in my current state … i still can’t even envision it.

March 15, 2008 at 4:53 am 2 comments

a journey of hope come full circle

i’m torn between feelings all of my waking minutes.  i’m happy and fearful; i’m amazed and bewildered; i’m physically ragged and fueled all at the same time.  this is a new journey of hope.  a journey towards this baby growing inside me coming to term (literally) and making it there in tact, both physically and mentally – and I think mentally will be the bigger challenge.  i actually slept last night for the first time in four days (since the BFP) and i do feel a bit more at ease today.  being exhausted fuels my anxiety so insomnia is my number one enemy.  i am still feeling crampy on and off throughout the day (more on than off really) and pretty much all the rest of the “ea.rly preg.nancy symp.toms” you read about… I’ve got em.  i have my dr appt tomorrow at lunch time.  i’ve taken HPT’s every day since the + and they are getting darker each day so I feel ok about things.  i’m trying really hard not to spend all my time worrying and no time savouring this moment i’ve waited for so long to experience again.

dr appt tomorrow. 4w5d

March 13, 2008 at 12:27 am 2 comments

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