Archive for February, 2008

adoption meeting

Today was the first day of the rest of our life… does that sound too monumental?  Well, essentially it is!  Today we registered with the adoption agency and gave them a cheque for (gulp) 3500 buckaroos to pay for the home study portion of the application.  Now we are on the “list” and will be grandfathered under the current intercountry adoption with the US, so that after April 1st waiting families like us will still be eligible to adopt from the states.  So the next 90 days means home visits with the social worker assigned to our case; it means lots of writing on my part to establish our “profile” which will be shown to birth parents; it means lots of paperwork and filling out of forms… and I think we are ready for it.  Notice how I’m being all matter of fact about this?  I’m not really allowing myself to “feel” anything right now because I’m too afraid to get emotionally attached to the idea of a new baby on the way, or even the possibility of it I guess, so I am just going through the motions and keeping as much of the mental stuff out of it as I can. Having been through the wringer these past two years I’m a bit numb to it all.  Although I know its affecting me because I’m waking up in the night and can’t sleep past five thirty am, and I seem to be a bit anxious throughout the day.  But there is so much going on right now I’m not sure if its just a reaction to the stress.  I’m just soooo ready to leave on that jet plane to Mexico.  A real life vacation from everything with my main squeeze.   

And do you know many times I have heard in the last week:  “Now that you’ve made the decision to adopt, you know you are going to get pregnant now right?”  Well, heck – why didn’t I think of it sooner? lol

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February 23, 2008 at 3:04 am 4 comments

wake me up on the other side

Ok blog buddies, I haven’t been entirely honest with you. Things have been going on that I have been hesistant to say because, well, I’m not exactly sure. Somehow writing it down might mean marking my dreams on it and I am unsure as to how that may affect me? I dunno. Well anyways, here’s the goods.

We’re pursuing adoption.

There. I said it. Whew.

A and I have been discussing adoption over the past year quite a bit, but we really didn’t think we would be here, in this same place, like we are. Two years of trying and nothing to show for it except pain and heartache. I’ve always thought of adoption as a path I might take in life, way before I even got married. So when infertility reared its ugly head, it became not just an idea, but more of a real journey we might actually take. But A wasn’t so sure. He really did not expect for this IF to go on as long as it has, and he had to wrap his head around the reality of our situation – a bit of denial I think. And now that he “gets” it – this IF crap is real and its not going away – his feelings have really changed. We have had many long heart to hearts these past few weeks and while it has been emotionally exhausting, we have made some huge progress in where we are headed and what we are both prepared to do.

So we are at the earliest stage of compiling information – reference letters, application forms, etc. Our big meeting with the agency is this Friday. The sense of urgency comes from a new law that Bush signed in November that will change the face of adoption between Canada / US … after April 1st if you are not on the “waiting list” to adopt a child from the US (the only country other than Canada where we can adopt a newborn) you are sh*t out of luck. APRIL 1ST PEOPLE. Imagine my freak out when I saw that bulletin on an agency website last month. So if we intend on adopting a child and we don’t want to wait 500 years for one of the very few Canadian babies available, we need to get on that list, like yesterday. I’ve been busy contacting US agencies who will still deal with Canadian families (few and far between unfortunately, but the ones that are are definitely the more reputable ones with the most accreditations) and researching the ins and outs of what it means to adopt a child, who will most likely be bi-racial or of ethnicity different than ours. Many things to consider and we need to do this eyes wide open. A couple who are good friends of ours are following the same route and were just recently matched with a baby who will be born in a few weeks – and they were only waiting 15 weeks. This is through a US agency of course.

I also met with my OB/GYN today to discuss my horrendous periods and the possibility of maybe endometriosis causing the pain and maybe even the infertility. I’m at the point of even if I wasn’t TTC I’d be freaking out about this because I can’t live with these periods like they are. His take on it was that doing a laparoscopy might tell us that I have stage 1 or 2 endo but in the end, the case management is still the same. Hormones to stop the periods which in turn will for sure make me unable to conceive, or IVF to get pregnant and then deal with the pain afterwards. He doesn’t believe endo is causing my infertility for a few reasons – 1. he performed my c-section and said there was no sign of endo anywhere inside (something he checks for during each caesarian), and 2. even if I have developed endo it isn’t bad enough to cause infertility because my tubes are open and clear, as per my hysteropingogram. So, I’m sort of back where I started. No explanation and between a rock and a hard place.

We are leaving for Cancun in 8 days and the next week is crazy busy for us. Friday is the agency meeting, Saturday we have a wedding to attend, Sunday is both our 7 year wedding anniversary AND Sweetlove’s 4th birthday party at Chu.ckEChe.ese, Tuesday is his real birthday so we are having dinner and cake with some family, Wednesday we have dentist appts, Thursday drop off Sweetlove with his Grandparents to stay while we vacation, and Friday morning we leave for the airport at 4:30 in the freakin’ morning. Somewhere in there I need to pack and get organized for the trip. Oh, and I’ll be ovulating in a few days so we also have to have you-know-what every night this week!!! Yikes. Wake me up when I’m in Mexico!

February 20, 2008 at 11:02 pm 2 comments

balancing act

What a weekend.

Sweetlove had his first ear infection about a month ago and after a few weeks of his body trying to resolve it we ended up having to go the antibiotic route, he was in pain and it was only worsening. So he did the 10 days on antibiotics and he seemed 100% again. Then this weekend, Saturday at midnight he woke up screaming. Couldn’t really tell us what was wrong, it was almost like he was sleeping but crying. Then again at 1:15 am. Then again at 3:00 am. Then again at 3:30. By this time he was burning up. His temp was 101.5º. I gave him some tylenol and brought him into our bed and the rest of the night was spent holding him while he sobbed. It was awful. Not being able to help your baby and all you can do is be with him and try to wipe the tears away. Needless to say, by morning he was exhausted and slept a few hours. The rest of the day was Sweetlove in a state of sleep and awake, lethargic and feverish. I tried the luke warm bath, the light clothing, cold washcloths, lots of fluids, tylenol. Nothing was bringing the fever down. But the weird thing was, he wasn’t complaining that anything hurt. We took him into emergency last night when his fever hit 103.2º. So apparently his ears are still infected. Ugh. I really don’t want to do another round of antibiotics, and the doc thinks he might fight this on his own but gave us a script for a stronger antibiotic and told us it was our call. It sounded like he’d rather we didn’t give it to him but he may need it if this continued.

So this morning Sweetlove woke up… no fever. Bouncing off the walls like his usual self again! Crazy. This kid gets deathly ill and totally better in the snap of a finger. So bizzare. So now I don’t know what to do. His ears are still infected but he seems fine again. Do I give him the antibiotics or will this resolve itself on its own? Assvice welcome!

February 11, 2008 at 4:27 pm 1 comment

there are no words

I have such sadness and heartache for Mary Ellen & Steve, for the loss of their three baby girls.  For everything they have been through to conceive these miracles, and for them to be taken away much too soon ~ I just don’t understand.  I just can not fathom why. 

WHY? 

I will continue to pray for peace in their hearts and for the love they have for eachother to carry them through this journey of grief.

I’m so sorry, ME.  I’m just so sorry.

February 4, 2008 at 5:32 am 1 comment


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