the odd kid out

January 24, 2008 at 12:01 am 4 comments

I find it interesting that my last post created so much traffic to my site, the search term “home.birth” must be a real hot one… geez. Anyways, my opinions are just my own and you are free to disagree ~ I just find it interesting how rude people can be across a computer screen.

Anyways, today is 4dpo. Usual stuff going on. No sore bb’s this month so far though – chalk that up to unusual! I’ve had a wicked cold this last week so I wasn’t able to take Charlie overnight on Saturday, but I’m taking him this weekend coming up instead. I’ve been busy sewing up a storm of baby-related stuff in the nursery during my downtime in the evenings and really enjoying it. Sewing calms my busy mind.

Thinking a lot lately about the interesting phenomena of secondary infertility bloggers not having the same audience as a primary infertile and wondering why that is. I have my suspicions. I think first of all, the primary infertile group is much, much larger, so the few of us secondary infertiles have less to band together with. And it sometimes feels like the cliques of the “popular” bloggers are hard to penetrate, hard to become a part of. As much as I read and comment on other blogs, I think sometimes I am seen as an outcast because I already have a child, what am I complaining about. Like my pain doesn’t equal your pain or something. Like what keeps me awake at night is different from what keeps you awake at night. All I know is when I read infertility blogs I relate to all of it, the heartache, the loneliness, the feeling misunderstood by friends and family, all of it. I don’t really see the divide here. Or maybe I just don’t write compelling enough posts for people to stay long enough. I don’t know. I don’t write primarily for readership, I mostly write as a journal to myself but lately I’ve been writing more and more knowing others are reading. I am just not sure what I am doing wrong.  Anyone have any ideas?  I’m open to assvice here.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

thoughts on homebirth from the perspective of a hopeful infertility survivor and mother snow day

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kirsten Eide  |  January 25, 2008 at 8:58 am

    I know what you mean about the great divide between primary and secondary fertility. I also am like you, in that I relate to the infertility full stop, whether it’s primary or secondary, it’s all hard, i’m certainly not finding it easier the second time round. I was having a discussion about this with a woman who has 3 kids, she was saying how it’s a different kind of pain and mourning each month when that damn AF comes around, it’s a mourning none the less. It’s like when someone miscarries at 12 weeks and someone at 6 weeks, is their pain more real at 12 weeks? Everyone deals with this differently. I can understand how people may look at people who already have a child and say what are you worried about, you have one child. But when your whole life you’ve imagined more than one child, it can be difficult to get your head around that. It’s not like your beautiful angel isn’t THE best thing in the world, I ADORE my daughter, in a way I could NEVER explain fully or eloquently 😉 Yet, the fact that she is in my life does not make me stop yearning for another. Indeed, it makes me yearn for another even more. Sorry for rambling.
    Now as for what you’re doing wrong, I say nothing, I’m always clicking over to see what you’ve written 🙂
    Have a good weekend.

  • 2. Liz  |  January 26, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    I just discovered your site and commented on your video before seeing this post. It just so happened, this is what I was refering to.
    I think some people don’t know how to react to secondary infertility. I’ve had people say, “Well, at least you know there’s not a problem since you’ve had one baby already.” (That’s always followed up by the brilliant suggestion to just relax or go on vacation and it will happen)
    I also don’t think people realize that, at least for me, secondary infertility adds an extra aspect of heartbreak. It’s not just about me now, but it’s about my son. It may sound silly but years from now, when my husband and I are gone, I can’t stand the thought of my boy all alone. I need to know that I have left him with a brother or sister – a family to love him forever. Does that make sense?

  • 3. Rachel  |  January 27, 2008 at 12:15 am

    As a primary infertile, I don’t believe that your pain is any less or you feel any less alienated. It’s just hard to hear about children in general or mothers in general as a primary. Sometimes the word Mom itself just freaks me out, even if it’s my own mother or the mother of a friend. Referring to a friend as Mom just bums me out.

    The only difference is that despite your pain and desperation, you are a Mom. And we are not.

  • 4. Liz  |  January 28, 2008 at 1:22 am

    Rachel,
    I think you said it very well. I can only imagine that side of the situation, but feel for you. All the best.

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