Archive for January, 2008

i feel like eore today.

Another failed cycle. Ugh. I’m feeling really beaten down by the repetitiveness of this monthly misery. We are coming up on two years of this, without a single BFP, at the end of February. So I think the time has come to explore having a diagnostic laparascopy. I believe I do suffer from endo to some degree because I have extreme period pain and not always with my cycle. It radiates down to the “back end” (sorry) and I end up taking some pretty strong painkillers to get through the first three days of menstration. It’s getting worse and worse too. Plus, I still get pain at my c-section incision site – leading my research in Dr Google to believe I may have some scar adhesions which could be causing a problem conceiving. A laparoscopy is the only way to find out if this is the case. I’m scared to do it, but what other options do I have at this point? Face the fear, my friends. That’s what my therapist always told me. So I’m making an appt with my OB/GYN to discuss all this. I saw him about 6 months into TTC #2 and he was the one who put me on the 3 months of clomid and then sent me to the fertility specialist. He also saved my life and Sweetlove’s life during my pregnancy and he performed the c-section. I’m not sure how much lap work he does, but I’m confident he’ll refer me to someone skilled if he’s not the right guy. I fear general anesthetic. I came out of the general with my c-section in a panic and not being able to breathe so they had to put me back under, it was an awful experience.

And there’s no way I’m going back to the RE I saw last year for the treatments. He was just not on his game, in my opinion. He gave me inaccurate answers to my questions and I never had a lot of faith in him. Then when my period left on a 99 day hiatus after the injectibles cycle he told me it was because I’m fat not because of the effects of the drugs. What a coincidence when my period returned, I had regular cycles again. Jerk. Oh, and he told me I should lose weight because a pregnancy could be dangerous – umm, so how come you treated me TO GET PREGNANT for numerous cycles and it was OK when things were making sense but when a rock hits the spoke, it’s now my weight’s fault and I shouldn’t get pregnant ??? So why’d you treat me to begin with? Ugh. Not all doctors are created equal.

So anyway, back to my trusted OB/GYN and hopefully a lap, and then maybe we’ll have better luck. IF sucks.


January 31, 2008 at 7:03 pm 2 comments

snow day

First of all – I am just giddy with happiness for Canape and her husband Guy ~ they welcomed a beautiful son named Christopher into the world over the weekend.  I remember when I first came across Canape’s blog just over a year ago and she was going through the aftermath of a miscarriage, a terribly painful heart break for the loss of her first baby, and I just offered her a few words of support over the blogosphere … which was the beginning of a friendship for us that turned into her supporting me so much over the past year thorought my infertility struggles.  She has listened and cheered me on when things felt bleak.  And it’s time like these that it becomes to glaringly obvious how untouchable these blog friendships truly are because I can hear about her baby and see pictures but I will never “meet” her little family “IRL” even though I do care deeply for them… ahh… it’s funny how sometimes good friends aren’t always the ones you have coffee with on Wednesday nights. 

We had a big dump of snow today and both A and I were stuck at home.  It was a really nice day.  Sweetlove was at Grandma’s house overnight and played in the snow with Grandpa today while A and I cleaned the house and did our own thing a bit.  I worked from home, both on real “work” and on a little sewing project I like to call “fun”.  I’m quilting a blanket for my best friend’s baby due in May.  I have also made her a breastfeeding blanket – based on the designs – and it came out so nice!  I am impressed with myself even!  I made a trek out to the depths of Vancou.ver last weekend to a few eclectic fabric stores and scored some neat notions (listen to me, all cool with the sewing lingo).  I also had Charlie this weekend, I was beat by Sunday night – just sleep deprived really, but oh so happy.  I rocked him in my arms for hours, singing my favorite lullabyes.  He even grinned at me a few times!  And …. I have been asked to be Godmo.ther to his twin Claire.  My first Godch.ild!  I am so over the moon with this, I can’t even describe it.  A very special honour, indeed.

Thanks for all your comments on my last post about feeling like the odd kid out.  I think its true that I blog about Sweetlove quite a bit and that might turn away some primary infertiles, and fair enough.  I’d never really thought about it that way, but after it was pointed out to me – I think I really do understand that part of it.  Hearing stories and anecdotes about my child just might rub salt in the wounds of a reader who isn’t in the space to hear that sort of thing.  But truly, for me, blogging about Sweetlove balances the sadess in my heart with blessing and reminds me why I am so damn lucky to have him.  So now I think I understand.  And the support I do get from my regular readers is amazing so I really can’t complain, it was just something that always has puzzled me.

So…. 11dpo today.  Feeling crampy a bit already.  Always the first sign of impending doom.  Ugh.  Oh well, like I’m surprised.  I always chase that little spec of hope swirling around in my head out of the room, and it sneaks back in here and there teasing me.  But here we are, just like every other cycle.  Back aching and crampy.

Huge prayers right now for Mary Ellen  going through a very scary time with her triplet pregnancy.  Please offer her your support if you haven’t already.  My thoughts are never very far away from what she is dealing with right now, she really deserves for these little baby girls to come home safe with her and she has been through so much already.

January 30, 2008 at 3:58 am Leave a comment

the odd kid out

I find it interesting that my last post created so much traffic to my site, the search term “home.birth” must be a real hot one… geez. Anyways, my opinions are just my own and you are free to disagree ~ I just find it interesting how rude people can be across a computer screen.

Anyways, today is 4dpo. Usual stuff going on. No sore bb’s this month so far though – chalk that up to unusual! I’ve had a wicked cold this last week so I wasn’t able to take Charlie overnight on Saturday, but I’m taking him this weekend coming up instead. I’ve been busy sewing up a storm of baby-related stuff in the nursery during my downtime in the evenings and really enjoying it. Sewing calms my busy mind.

Thinking a lot lately about the interesting phenomena of secondary infertility bloggers not having the same audience as a primary infertile and wondering why that is. I have my suspicions. I think first of all, the primary infertile group is much, much larger, so the few of us secondary infertiles have less to band together with. And it sometimes feels like the cliques of the “popular” bloggers are hard to penetrate, hard to become a part of. As much as I read and comment on other blogs, I think sometimes I am seen as an outcast because I already have a child, what am I complaining about. Like my pain doesn’t equal your pain or something. Like what keeps me awake at night is different from what keeps you awake at night. All I know is when I read infertility blogs I relate to all of it, the heartache, the loneliness, the feeling misunderstood by friends and family, all of it. I don’t really see the divide here. Or maybe I just don’t write compelling enough posts for people to stay long enough. I don’t know. I don’t write primarily for readership, I mostly write as a journal to myself but lately I’ve been writing more and more knowing others are reading. I am just not sure what I am doing wrong.  Anyone have any ideas?  I’m open to assvice here.

January 24, 2008 at 12:01 am 4 comments

thoughts on homebirth from the perspective of a hopeful infertility survivor and mother

I’m fairly soft spoken when it comes to most things in life but when it comes to this subject, i am passionate and unapologetic. I will preface this by saying I am a mother who has experienced a high risk pregnancy and two years of infertility. Both of which make me feel damn lucky to have a child, period. Damn fortunate to have been given the blessing of pregnancy and a healthy child. And to have bounced back myself, healthwise, from a scary birth experience that in another day and age, would have cost me and my child our lives. The fact that I delivered my son by emergency c-section under general anesthetic doesn’t exactly list high on my Best Experiences Ever list. But we both made it home ok and at the end of the day, that’s all I can ask for. And I know a lot of women who have struggled with infertility and won the fight with a pregnancy to term would do the same because these children are hard fought miracles and we aren’t prepared to risk that for anything.

 But I also know that the majority of women have uncomplicated pregnancies. And the majority of women could birth at home with a midwife and do just fine. They could have that “birth experience” they dreamt about, candles, soft music, undisturbed labouring, the whole works. But what happens when you choose homebirth and something goes horribly wrong? What happens when you are one of the small percentage of women who has an emergency situation without the help required at home to save you and your child? I’ll tell you what happens… either you get really damn lucky by the grace of God, or your child dies. Because you aren’t in a place where the medicine, the tools, or the skills required are there to save your baby. I know too many unlucky women who have birthed children at home only to have one of these emergency situations occur and it was too late to transport the child, or it took too long, and it was TOO LATE. Shoulder dystocia, breech, footling, cord wrapped around the neck, meconium in the lungs, preeclampsia, hemouraging, these are just a few examples of what can happen without sufficient warning or proper care. Then what? You have put yourself in a position of vulnerability to these situations and often dire outcomes that you will live to regret the rest of your life. Now here comes my position on this. A child is a gift from God. A true miracle. And birthing a child is inherently dangerous. Women all over the world, and their babies, for as old as time have been dying in childbirth because so many things can go wrong in an instant and the medical intervention isn’t available to circumvent a disaster. We are so lucky to have the hospitals and medicine and doctors that we do in this first world country (mine being Canada) and sure, there are flaws in the system and things could be safer in the hospital, I will give you that, but why RISK the life of your child because of an “experience” that you want to have? A hospital birth is not the least bit se.xy, or private, or romantic, or any of those dreamy notions. But its a lot safer than doing it at home. And at the end of the day – the most important thing is NOT the “experience” – it’s a healthy LIVE child and mother. Period. Anyone that takes the risk of a home birth, in my opinion, is selfish and foolish. I know home birth advocates would say the hospital is dangerous and babies die in hospitals too. But the statistics simply aren’t there to support that argument.

I may get some flack for this post, but honestly I don’t care. I’ve done loads of reading on the subject, both for and against home birth, and I’ve seen too many babies die to think any differently. Don’t even get me started on unassisted homebirth (where the mother births alone without the aid of any type of caregiver, midwife or doula). You want to take risks in your life? Go bungee jumping, sky dive, risk your own life any which way you choose. But don’t risk a baby’s life while you are at it. I guarrantee you, that decision will haunt you for the rest of your days if you end up in the small percentage of women who’s babies weren’t so lucky. And I know more mothers than I can count on one hand that would take back that decision in a heartbeat if it meant saving their child’s life by giving birth in a hospital.

What I would like to see is a middle ground for mothers in a hospital setting. A birthing room that is more like home. Where the mother is able to make choices like having the baby on her chest immediately after birth if everything is looking good for the baby… no taking the baby away for weighing and cleaning up. Giving the mother more authority over her birth experience without compromising the safety of her or her child. Because in most situations, things go smoothly and there’s lots of room for flexibility. But in the cases that things go wrong … you are in the safest place to be saved.

That is all. I’m hopping off my soapbox now. Back to regular scheduled programming next time… 4 dpo! Cycle 18 in the quest to produce another child and birthing any way that is necessary to bring my baby safely home. Put me in a dark cave with pins stuck in my eyes and heavy metal music blaring in the headphones… doesn’t matter as long as my baby comes home with me.

So how do you feel?

January 21, 2008 at 10:21 pm 7 comments

no luck.

So the house inspection didn’t go very well. The list was a mile long of things that needed fixing, not to mention it needs all new appliances, and then we found out it needs new furnace, hot water tank as well, and the kicker was that the electrical wiring in the house is aluminum – to rewire the house would cost waaaaay more than we can afford and to live in it like it is would cause me too much worry.  It’s probably safe, but there is always that chance of a house fire and I could never live like that.  So we had to walk away from the house.  So we are on the hunt again… we are both disappointed but the right house is out there and we will keep searching. 

In better news, I am ovulating either tonight or tomorrow so A and I are in full baby making mode.  Both of us have colds right now so its a funny scene. 

And I have one of the twins this weekend again – this time the boy, little Charlie.  Something to look forward to! 

January 17, 2008 at 6:05 pm 1 comment

movin’ on up…

As in we like to MOVE. Sell, buy, move houses. Purge, pack, clean, unpack, clean, set up house. I should preface this with, I got it honestly. Growing up, my dad’s work transferred us around pretty much every year (often across the country) as he moved up the corporate ladder. So my childhood was filled with a gypsie lifestyle in middle class suburbia. Not fun being “the new kid” every September. Not something I will do to my kids that’s for sure, so while Sweetlove is getting close to school age, our moving is coming close to an end.

A and I have been married seven years in February. We got married young, I was 22 and A was 23. Everyone around us thought we were a bit nuts getting married so young. At the time, both of us lived at home with our parents still; I had just finished university and A was working a full time job. We both believed the right choice for us was to get married and then live together, rather than the other way around like most young people do these days, no judgement just a different choice.

When we got back from our honeymoon, we picked up our bedroom closets and moved into our first place which was a rented apartment in downtown – close to my job and A’s. We were both from the burbs so we thought, now’s the time to live the city life. Well we HATED it. Loud traffic and sirens going off outside our window all hours of the night, and being so far from our family and friends, it sucked. It just wasn’t for us. Within six months we had bought our first townhouse back in the burbs, and it was an incredible feeling to be homeowners while our peers were still partying it up at the bar and spending their money on booze and frivolity. We spent about 16 months in that place and then decided to move a bit farther out so we could live in a larger, brand new townhome with a yard along a serene, peaceful creek. That is where I got pregnant with Sweetlove; it happened about a month after we move into that place. So my memories there are filled with pregnancy bedrest and newborn diapers, very memorable times. We left there when Luka was five months old to move a little closer to my family. Bought a small bungalow on a ¼ acre property, a bit of a fixer upper. We did lots of work to that house and made quite a bit of money when we sold about 16 months later. That was when we bought the townhouse we live in now. It’s in a nicer area of town, really close to my work and the house itself is a nice size and layout for our family.

We started trying to conceive a 2nd child only a month or so into living in this house. We decorated the nursery thinking I would get pregnant right away and most likely be on bedrest within a few months… well we all know how that turned out… two years later here we are and still trying to fill up that nursery. Agh. Anyways, A is just dying for property again, land of his own to sew. Literally. He’s a landscaper for a living and he “needs” his land back. This townhome has a little patch of yard that we can’t plant a poppy in, according to strata rules, so I understand where he’s coming from. Plus, we make moving choices based on the market and now’s the time to make the change. We started out with a small down payment six years ago and we’ve been able to multiply it by 10 times that by making good real estate choices… so off we go again.

We’ve actually been looking on and off for a new house since July but we weren’t too anxious to move and wanted to wait until the right place came along. We’ve since lost out on three multiple offer situations (the market in is CRAZY still and some areas have increased in value by 40% just in the last year) but we finally found OUR NEW place on Friday! It’s in a municipality that is undergoing some major roadway construction in the next year and property values will most likely skyrocket once the new highway and bridge is in, so it’s a good time to buy out there. We have an inspection on the house on Tuesday so until then, I am cautiously optimistic. It’s got a nice big lot, tons of room for Sweetlove to play, and for A to build his flower beds and bushes, and for me to plant a garden. It will be great. A new distraction for the next three or four months! Yay!!!

So tying this whole situation in with my fertility… here’s what I think. We’ve spent the last two years trying to conceive a baby, in THIS house. We are now moving to another house back in the same town as where we conceived Sweetlove, right after we moved in. Is there such thing as house karma? Our luck’s gotta change right?

January 13, 2008 at 4:12 am 4 comments

a weekend made in heaven

Are there even words to describe falling in love with a newborn in two short days, a newborn who isn’t even your own? that happened to me this weekend, how bittersweet! Every moment with her was savoured. Every feeding, every rocking, even every diaper change. It made my heart soar and sink all at the same time. How desperately I yearn for a child again…oh my. I swear, my Heaven is full of babies. My Heaven, the place I’m going after I leave this life, is full of newborn infants who I can cradle and sing lullabyes on end.  It was exhausting too, but in a good way. She was pure sweetness. Ugh, I could go on and on… ! But returning her to her parents was nice too, they missed her like crazy. And now, I miss her too! I can’t believe how attached you get so quickly to these little beings. Even A. was missing her last night.  And Sweetlove held her so carefully and sang twinkle twinkle little star to her, soooo sweet. So yeah, there is some post-Claire blues but it was so worth it.

January 8, 2008 at 9:49 pm 3 comments

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