Archive for December, 2007

And on we go…

I am so glad Christmas is O.V.E.R.

I mean, I enjoy the holiday, I do – but the best part for me are the preparations for Christmas – picking out the presents, wrapping them (my favorite!), putting up the tree, talking with Sweetlove about Santa Claus and Baby Jesus and all that it means, making Christmas goodies and little treats for all the special people in our lives. But when the day actually comes and we are running all over town trying to spend time with each and every relative? That part I don’t really enjoy. Everything is always so rushed and anti-climactic, it seems. I remember as a child, the holiday was so care free. So full of lazy days and excitement. As a mother and the household charge, I find it to be hectic, busy and stressful. Ahhh….growing up sucks, don’t it? But Christmas through the eyes of your child is also pretty magical, I must admit.

We did have a lovely Christmas. Sweetlove got totally spoiled and so did A and I. We were given way too much money from generous relatives but it will help us immensely towards our Mexico vacation in two months, that’s for sure. A. gave me a beautiful silver necklace with a rectangular silver locket engraved with Sweetlove’s name… made me cry. He also gave me a sewing machine which I’ve been asking for (and knew was coming). I plan to sew a baby quilt for my best friend’s baby-on-the-way first, which I am so excited about starting. I have been hankering to sew for ages now and decided the “nursery” will finally get some good use – even if it’s not for a sleeping baby. My own anyhow.

You’ll all remember my good friend who had twins at 34w5d back in November? Well they are just over 5 weeks old now, and I’ve had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with them over the past few weeks, they are just pure sweetness. Next weekend (as in a week from tomorrow) my friend is turning 30 and is planning a weekend getaway with her husband – bravely I must say with such brand new newborns – and she’s asked me to take care of her baby girl for the weekend while the baby boy will be with her in-laws. Can you spell HONOURED? Seriously, I can’t even tell you how much it means to me that she would trust me with her little 6 lb precious daughter for her first time away from her. Of course, I have the nursery all set up and all my friends use me for their home away from home, which I love so much, and would have it no other way. She isn’t breastfeeding so formula feeding will be easy – except she does wake every three hours still so it will be a sleepless weekend, but I don’t mind. In fact, its all I’m thinking about! Being infertile makes it hard to talk about pregnancies with other pregnant women, but for me, being with babies just soothes my soul. I can’t really explain it. Like at our Christmas party with my best friend last weekend, the talk centered around pregnancy a lot of the night and I was on the verge of tears for the entire time. I just wanted to escape into the walls and cry my eyes out. It was so hard. Two years is coming you guys – March will be two friggin years of this hell. Please God, let me make it through that month without a mental breakdown.

I’m back at work today already while A enjoys the rest of the week off with Sweetlove, playing trains and crashing cars. I’m sure they are having fun together.

I am going to post some pictures from our Christmas later tonight so stay tuned!

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December 27, 2007 at 11:54 pm 3 comments

Ugh.

Day 1 again.  I started my period today.  I started really light barely-there spotting 3 days ago and took a test yesterday so I wasn’t terribly surprised.  I was just really wishing for an extra special way to start the New Year.  Oh well, more festive things to be concerned about right now, like counting down the days ’til Santa arrives.  And on we go.  Happy Holidays, everyone!

December 21, 2007 at 6:14 am 3 comments

updates on so many things.

So I won 2nd place in the International Infertility Film Festival 🙂 Very exciting I must say. Truly though, it feels good to know that other women going through this struggle are relating to my story and feel they are not so alone. I’ve got 1,000 views on my u.tube video already, and received such sweet comments from people. It was such a hard video to make, emotionally, but I’m so glad I did it So cathartic. Although, I have to admit its awfully painful for me to watch now, I can’t bring myself to watch it over. I will definitely share it with my next child one day when they are older, to show them how very much they were wanted and loved before they were even brought to life.

My mom is finally back from taking care of her own mom and as much as she hated to leave, she missed her grandchildren desperately and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to know you are needed in two places at once. Grandma has not been doing well – she was hemorraging out of the hole in her palette where they took some tissue and lost a lot of blood, then she got infection under the grafted skin on her face and now they are saying the tissues are dying and need to be removed and the surgery redone. It has been a rollercoaster these last few weeks for her, and I do hope and pray she comes through this soon, she has so much life left in her – I just can’t imagine anything else right now.

Repairing the friendship with my best friend has been slow but progress is being made. It’s hard but we’re both trying. There has been some damage to the trust and respect for eachother so it will take some time. This isn’t one of those times we can just pick up from where we left off; it goes so much deeper than that. I do miss her. I hope the holidays will bring us back together, at least somewhat. She’s the closest thing to a sister that I have. And she’s pregnant with her first baby, I hate missing those special moments of pregnancy with her.

Cycle wise, I am 6dpo and have been feeling super tired, super hungry, super PMS’y and I’ve got some nausea and cramping too – not something I normally get this early in the 2ww —- so maaaaaaaaayyyyybbbbbeeeee things will end differently this month? I highly doubt it but again, the hope is always glimmering. What a wonderful Christmas it would be…

A funny story for ya about Sweetlove. We were at a shoe store this week, one night after work, and I was trying on some work shoes, and he (bless his little heart) decided he would like to try on some high heels, strappy ones with glittery bobbles and all. Well, I thought, whatever will keep him busy while I find a pair is good with me. And his father wasn’t with us to poo-poo it, so what the heck. He picked out a few of his favorites and brought them over to me, and said, “Mama, I want to buy these for you. They are for you to go dancing.” I smiled and looked at these ugly beige things with 4 inch heels and gold dangleys, and said, “Well thank you honey. Maybe you can come back with Papa and show him what you’d like to buy for me?”

“OK, Mama” he said, “Shopping for shoes is fun! Being with you is the BEST Mama. I sure love you.”

OMG, my heart melted. He actually said that, with the pure, unadulterated honesty of a three year old. Now please tell me what is better than that?

December 13, 2007 at 9:12 pm 3 comments

december blues

Is there anyone still out there? I’ve been such a bad blogger lately. My life has been so crazy these days, work is busy and with the holidays coming its been hectic. I am proud to say I ovulated earliest ever on a natural cycle this month – day 20. I am hoping that means good things, cycle 17, a lucky one maybe? It’s funny that after all these months I still hold out hope… but really without a little hope what do you have left? Not much. Chasing the illusive dream.

I had a falling out with my best friend a few weeks ago and we are still trying to repair the damage, which has been the cause of many nights of lost sleep. My best friend and I do not have arguments, spats, tiffs, fights, none of the above. We both hate drama and we try really hard to avoid hurt feelings. This one has been brewing for a while now though and it was bound to happen. I won’t get into the specifics of it, I’ll just say that it was pretty heavy and rough and I’m glad its behind us. We’ve only spoken over email still. I like to say that we’ve both purchased our tickets on the recovery train but we’re still unsure of what train we’re taking. I’ve told her I love her still and she’s asked what sweetlove might like special for chistmas, so we’re on our way. But my heart still hurts over it. I guess only time heals some wounds.

My grandma has skin cancer. There I said it. She’s been alone since my Grandfather died five years ago. She had surgery last week to remove parts of her face and she was doing well in recovery until yesterday and now she’s got massive hemorraging and infection so she’s critical again. I desperately hope she’ll pull through this but we’re all pretty worried. My mom flew out to take care of her before the surgery and she’s still there with her, staying until she’s stable enough. My mom takes care of Sweetlove and my little nephew during the work week while my SIL and I work, so its been stressful covering off all the days she’s been gone and now uncertain of when she’s coming back. All we really care about right now though is that Grandma is going to be OK and its most important Mom is there with her through this. Being on the other side of the country makes it difficult.

So on the baby making front, not much to report. In the 2ww of another cycle, just barely, and that’s that. What else do you say after 17 cycles?

Tomorrow we put up the tree and decorate the house. Sweetlove is excited. We are too.

December 8, 2007 at 5:51 am 5 comments


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