Archive for November, 2007

a cycle’s eve

Today is 12dpo. Tomorrow I should start spotting and the next day my period will start. Cycle 17 of Trying to Conceive. Cycle 17 of broken dreams and lost due dates. Cycle is actually a good word for what this is. A cycle of hope, of fear, of day dreaming, of what-if’s, of maybe a baby, of crossed fingers. Always ending in defeat and physical menstrual pain that symbolizes the shedding of that hope and starting fresh again. Agh, I sound so negative. I know. It feels like I’ve been playing the lottery for so long and never win that elusive jackpot, hell I don’t even always get to buy the ticket, but even when I do – I still don’t get those lucky numbers. And I know that every month I don’t win, the statistics go down again for us. Each month we don’t get pregnant, our chances are less for the next month. And we DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So FUCKING frustrating. I can’t even scream it loud enough. WHY DID WE GET PREGNANT SO EASILY WITH SWEETLOVE AND WE CAN’T CONCEIVE A FUCKING CHILD TO SAVE OUR LIVES NOW? If I could ask God one question that would be it. Not how can we end world hunger, or why does disease exist. Or why puppies die. I know, I sound so selfish. I just can’t get over how FUCKING RIDICULOUS this is. And feels. And is. I’m just tired of it. No matter what I tell myself, about going back to school, and following my dreams, I still have one dream that won’t stop residing in my heart. That dream of a child. That chance to do it all over again and this time not be a basket case of nerves and sickness. Will I ever get that chance?

Anyways. Enough ranting. Sorry but its how I feel and this is the only place I can come and say it like it is. Everywhere else I have so smile politely and say what people want to hear. Otherwise I get these confused looks, like you have Sweetlove! How could you ask the universe for any more than that? To that I say……..WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES AND TELL ME HOW TO FEEL.

So I’ll post again when the witch arrives. Thanks for still reading, to the two of you out there who do. That’s a whole ‘nother post. Why a secondary infertile doesn’t get the support of the blogosphere of primary infertiles. But to those of you who are here. Thank you.


November 15, 2007 at 2:44 am 3 comments

My Secondary Infertility IIFF Submission

November 4, 2007 at 3:39 pm 7 comments

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