Archive for October, 2007

a new direction

I am finding it hard to come here and have much at all to say about my attempts at making a baby. I am trying to think about it as little as possible as I am currently surrounded by pregnant friends and their pregnancy complications, it is too hard to consider that we are coming up on two years of this hell. And really, it was a year before that we were gathering up the courage with all the pregnancy complications that scared me sideways, so it seems like three years that this has been my life, and I am tired of it. Tired of being sad, tired of being beaten down by the IF monster. So I’m going to follow my dream now, my other dream. What is that dream you ask? Well let me explain.

Growing up, since as early as I can remember, all I wanted was to take care of babies, to be with them and nurture them. And as you might have noticed, my body is not all that capable of producing these babies itself, and the “baby” part of having a child doesn’t last all that long anyways does it? My four year old is really getting tired of being called my baby, I gotta tell ya. He’s all like, “I’m not your baby Mama. I’m a big boy now.” and I rebut with, “You’ll always be MY baby Sweetlove, no matter what.” And I guess that is true, your child is always your baby… but I digress. I am a lover of infants, all infants, no matter their cuteness or their biology. I just love them. I am also a nurturer at heart and well, sitting in front of a computer all day designing ads is fun and all, but it doesn’t feed my soul. So here I am, 29 years old about to turn a sharp left in my life’s path and I. am. going. back. to. school. For realz girls. I am going to be a Neonatal Nurse. The kind that works in NICU’s and nurses those little preemies back to health. Anyone who knows me, and I tell this to, just says to me, “Jen if there is any job in the world for you, that is it.” That is my passion, the fuel that feeds my heart. These tiny little creatures from God. So here I come, Bachelor of Nursing Degree. Yikes.

I am still in the beginning stages of gathering the requirements for my application. It is a four year program, and then another year of specialty nursing for the neonatal certification. But with my prior university credits, it should knock off some time with transfering the electives. So if all goes well, I should be able to start September 08. All my doc’s have to be in for application by Feb 1st. I will quit my job in August and become a full time student. There are a lot of things in life that you question, am I doing the right thing? Is this really what I want? Not with this. The only doubts I have are financial worries, which in the big picture, not something I will stay awake at night about. We’ll be fine. We’ll make it work. A is supportive, and that’s what really matters.

So how does all this fit in with another child? Well, I figure that even if another baby comes along, I still want to make this career change. I’ve been putting it off for a few years now so I could do it “after” the next child, but how long do you put your life on hold for? I can’t do it anymore. I have to just forge ahead with what I’ve got and if life brings me another chid, we’ll figure it out. We’ll keep trying and just do what needs to be done. Either way, my life is progressing and to me, that’s what is going to help me sleep at night.

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October 29, 2007 at 5:29 pm 2 comments

back to regular scheduled programming

I have changed my blog address because I *think* my mother may have accessed my blog – and there is nothing in here that would upset her – I just want to have this place be my own, the place I can come to be real honest about what I’m feeling without family or friends judging me, you know? So here I am. Bookmark me will ya?

I am regressing a bit back to the dark place again.  I am trying to keep afloat but its hard.  Everywhere I turn, pregnant friends and newborn babies.  It’s just hard.  It’s just really fucking hard.  My last clomid cycle was a bust (obviously) and the cramps that came with that period were record breaking.  I was travelling on business the morning they hit (perfect) and had to swallow as many ibupro.phen as allowable to keep upright during the meeting.  It was hellish.  Not to mention the despair that I felt with each ache and deep breath I took.   Just wishing to be anywhere and anyone else.  It’s weird I have no tears left, I’m all cried out yet I’m feeling the pain and numbness at the same time. 

I watched Oprah’s show on Infertility this week.  I was surprised at the lack of empathy Oprah showed with the subject matter.  She seemed to surprised and bewildered at the lengths these couples go to to become biological parents.   Like “why not just adopt?”  I was disappointed.  To spend 2/3 of the show on surrogacy in India which is interesting yet not the least bit representative of what the majority of infertiles journey through; I thought was a waste.  I know the big title “wombs for rent” has enough shock value to get viewers to watch but seriously, let’s talk about what the other 99% of infertile couples experience.  And her comment to Jennifer, the woman who had her surrogate in India, “do you ever feel that pang like I wish our baby was inside me instead of her?” or something to that effect.  Like really Oprah?  She’s been trying to concieve for 3 years, you wonder if she wishes she could be the one pregnant? Just goes to show, unless you’ve been through it, the lack of understanding is, to me, astounding.

An update on my friend who is in the hospital with preterm labour at now 29w ~ she’s doing great! They are probably going to release her to her inlaws house on bedrest if she continues to do well, at 30w.

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this before but I’m a huge Ro.sie O’Don.nell fan. Her new book “Celeb.rity De.tox” came out a few days ago and I read it cover to cover within about 3 hours. It was fantastic. If you are a fan of hers, a pop-culture junkie or a View watcher, definitely get her book. A riveting insight into the world of celebrydom and what its like to be famous as a mom and a wife from middle class normalcy.

Happy Friday everyone.

October 12, 2007 at 5:35 pm 3 comments


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