i’d rather be puking in the back room

July 9, 2007 at 9:56 pm 1 comment

My boy is home and I’m whole again! It’s funny how you can long for time on your own as a parent and then when you have it, all you want to do is be with your kids. I get that now. My mom brought him to my office when they got into town on Friday and I went out to the car, and as I turned the corner he saw my face and his own lit up in a way that melted my heart. Ahhhh… sweet love. So uncomplicated. So pure. There is something so raw about the love between a mother and her child, it really is undescribable until you actually experience it. As a sidenote, I never really expected this kind of love when I got pregnant. I knew that I would love him or her unconditionally no matter what, but I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. Really. And then he came, and sure, I loved him. But it was like a romance in the beginning, each day as I got to know him and his scent seeped into my senses, my heart opened up and he slipped in quietly and slowly. And then by the time he was six months old, my heart was bursting with vulnerability. I realized then how vulnerable I truly was for the first time in my life. Oh my God, what if something happens to him? I would die, I thought. And I still think that, to be honest. And each day since he was born, I fall more and more madly in love with him, and each day I think I can’t possibly love him more and then… I do the very next day. And so it goes. The love between mother and child. I hope one day he knows this love for himself with his own child. I’m sure Fathers experience something similar, although I can’t speak for it, I’m sure its mighty powerful.

Well so, for a cycle update: I *think* I may be in the 2ww as of yesterday. Still waiting for a few more days for temps to confirm it, but it was about bloody time. Cycle Day 42. Ugh. My body is really confused. This is the most wacked out cycle I’ve had since I started TTC, no thanks to those injectibles last cycle. I had my estrogen and LH bloodwork done on Friday and will have progesterone done next Saturday, and then do a full hormone panel on CD3 next cycle. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten those numbers and a full year since my HSG too. I wonder if anything has changed? Well probably not much since I’M STILL NOT PREGNANT. I would never have imagined I would spend this summer not pregnant yet again. Still. And it really sucks. But on the “positive” side, I can enjoy the summer at the lake without throwing up in the back room day and night. So that’s a plus. I guess. How come I’d still rather that than this though?

I have no clue where we are going from here. I know I said I’d never do it again, but I am considering doing a few more cycles of clomid to keep my cycle short and regular and at least up our chances somewhat. It’s cheap and requires little monitoring. Both things that matter a lot right now. I know that’s where my RE is leaning towards, it also keeps risks of multiples lower than with the big guns. I guess I’ll have to ask A. if he’ll put up with me for another round of that drug. Hmmmm….

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

east meets west the neverending cycle

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Mary Ellen  |  July 24, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Good luck with your 2ww. Figuring out what to do next is never easy. Thinking of you.

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