Archive for July, 2007

the neverending cycle

I really am having a hard time blogging lately. It’s ridiculous how much of NOTHING is going on with our TTC quest, in fact it’s so unremarkable – it’s now remarkable. I am on …get this…day 61 of this cycle with no ovulation in sight. Yep, those injectibles sure screwed me up! The injectibles cycle was the one before this one, so this “natural” cycle following is probably my longest in history and I haven’t had an anovulatory cycle in over a year, and it wasn’t near this long. Plus I’ve had 3 days of spotting that abruptly ended a few days ago and no AF came. Also something that has never happened to me. I had an appt scheduled to see my RE this coming Monday to discuss this nightmare cycle, but his office called yesterday to cancel it due to conflicting surgery he was called in to do, and the next soonest appt to see him is AUGUST 15th!!!! Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed. Plus I’m going to the lake for the next ten days and I really didn’t want to start a cycle while I was away without an Rx of clomid with me. I tried to convince the nurse at the RE’s office to talk to my RE and explain the situation but they said no, I had to come in for an appt. Makes sense I guess. However I am not one to give up that easily! I have a really good relationship with my family doctor and I see her quite a bit (for other issues) and update her on what’s going on at the RE’s office, plus she’s been my doc for 15 years. I made a last minute visit to my PCP and begged her to give me a prescription, explaining to her that my fertility doc was planning to put me on it and now that I can’t get in to see him, I really don’t want another cycle to come and go without the meds. Luckily she gave it to me, and I may not even need it if I don’t get a period before August 15th, but just in case right? And I had an u/s two weeks ago and everything looked fine so I’m not worried about taking the clomid without another u/s. And I know my RE would have prescribed it because he wanted me to take it last cycle and I declined, asking to take a break for a cycle first. So… that’s the update. I am trying not to focus on how frustrating it is to have a 61+ day cycle, and focus more on the nice break it has been from all this for the last two months. And how absolutely READY I am to get back on the fertility horse and try again. I would do IVF tomorrow if I could convince A to do it, and I would never have said that two months ago, so I know something inside me has changed. A break really does make the difference.

A’s little brother is getting married tomorrow and Sweetlove is the ringbearer, so cute. At the rehearsal last night, we met the flower girl, also 3 1/2, and they are adorable together, they practiced walking down the isle holding hands, omg, it was a sight to behold. Afterwards a group from there went back to my in-law’s house for drinks but it was pretty late and Sweetlove needed to get to bed. Then I heard that A’s cousin was going to bring her 6 day old baby girl to their house and the thought of that – I don’t know – I just really wasn’t up for that. So we are staying in town for the wedding tomorrow, and then heading up to the lake first thing Sunday morning. My last week of holidays it just rained buckets for the entire time, but this time the weather looks stellar so I’m really looking forward to it. We get home August 7th. I hope everyone is enjoying their summers!

July 27, 2007 at 9:07 pm 4 comments

i’d rather be puking in the back room

My boy is home and I’m whole again! It’s funny how you can long for time on your own as a parent and then when you have it, all you want to do is be with your kids. I get that now. My mom brought him to my office when they got into town on Friday and I went out to the car, and as I turned the corner he saw my face and his own lit up in a way that melted my heart. Ahhhh… sweet love. So uncomplicated. So pure. There is something so raw about the love between a mother and her child, it really is undescribable until you actually experience it. As a sidenote, I never really expected this kind of love when I got pregnant. I knew that I would love him or her unconditionally no matter what, but I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. Really. And then he came, and sure, I loved him. But it was like a romance in the beginning, each day as I got to know him and his scent seeped into my senses, my heart opened up and he slipped in quietly and slowly. And then by the time he was six months old, my heart was bursting with vulnerability. I realized then how vulnerable I truly was for the first time in my life. Oh my God, what if something happens to him? I would die, I thought. And I still think that, to be honest. And each day since he was born, I fall more and more madly in love with him, and each day I think I can’t possibly love him more and then… I do the very next day. And so it goes. The love between mother and child. I hope one day he knows this love for himself with his own child. I’m sure Fathers experience something similar, although I can’t speak for it, I’m sure its mighty powerful.

Well so, for a cycle update: I *think* I may be in the 2ww as of yesterday. Still waiting for a few more days for temps to confirm it, but it was about bloody time. Cycle Day 42. Ugh. My body is really confused. This is the most wacked out cycle I’ve had since I started TTC, no thanks to those injectibles last cycle. I had my estrogen and LH bloodwork done on Friday and will have progesterone done next Saturday, and then do a full hormone panel on CD3 next cycle. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten those numbers and a full year since my HSG too. I wonder if anything has changed? Well probably not much since I’M STILL NOT PREGNANT. I would never have imagined I would spend this summer not pregnant yet again. Still. And it really sucks. But on the “positive” side, I can enjoy the summer at the lake without throwing up in the back room day and night. So that’s a plus. I guess. How come I’d still rather that than this though?

I have no clue where we are going from here. I know I said I’d never do it again, but I am considering doing a few more cycles of clomid to keep my cycle short and regular and at least up our chances somewhat. It’s cheap and requires little monitoring. Both things that matter a lot right now. I know that’s where my RE is leaning towards, it also keeps risks of multiples lower than with the big guns. I guess I’ll have to ask A. if he’ll put up with me for another round of that drug. Hmmmm….

July 9, 2007 at 9:56 pm 1 comment


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