a little perspective

June 6, 2007 at 11:20 pm 4 comments

This has been my longest blogging absence in a long time huh? Well, just goes to show that being in excrutiating pain for days on end doesn’t do much for your blogging creative. I went in to work today for a few hours to catch up on a few things but couldn’t sit in that chair with this back pain so on home I went. I’m so sick of these four walls! Monday’s appt with the urologist can not come soon enough.

I will say though that this week has really given me some perspective on my situation. First off, my RE basically told me last week at our baseline appt that he didn’t see the point in doing more injectibles cycles if I am only producing one egg, since I produce one egg on my own already. And he doesn’t want to produce more eggs because of the risk of multiples and my high risk first pregnancy puts me at high risk again, and all that equals bad risk. Hence the low doses and low stimulation to create as few eggs as possible. Now, I was under the impression I had a few eggs last cycle (inj/IUI#1) but he’s thinking I had just the one lead that was big enough to trigger. So his thinking here is why go through the expense, time, stress and effort of a medicated cycle just to produce what I am already producing naturally? Well… ummmm…. because I am not getting pregnant naturally?! So unless we’re ready for IVF, there is no point in doing ART. [insert tears of hopelessness here].

And then he said something that blew me away and made me question him altogether as an RE. I said, what about this cyst? Can I go on the pill for a cycle to get rid of it so at least we’re dealing with two healthy ovaries? Know what he said back? Get ready for this…

“The birth control pill does not get rid of cysts, it just prevents new ones from forming.”

Yeah. So now I think maybe this guy isn’t all he’s made out to be, a fancy RE from Cor.nell. Why would he say such a ridiculous thing? I had him repeat it for clarity and just sat there stunned.

So he wants to see me when I’m gearing up to ovulate (naturally) this cycle and do an e2 and LH test, then an ultrasound to see what there is to see. Since the last two natural cycles I “ovulated” (with proof of LH surge and p4 b/w) but he wasn’t able to see any follicles in my ovaries either time. Yet last cycle on the injects, he could see multiple little baby ones at various points in the cycle. So he says, if again this cycle he can’t see the follicles but my body is doing all the things that equal ovulation happened, then we’ll go back to the injects.

I was just exhausted by the whole discussion, left his office, walked into the elevator and promptly burst into tears right there and then. With two guys in suits standing next to me. I sat in my car and cried. Went straight home and cried some more.

I am at a loss. What is wrong with us? We created Sweetlove with no trouble, we’re still the same people, in the same health status (better, if anything) and we can’t fucking get out of the gate. Not even a chemical! I have regular cycles, A’s sperm is above average… what more can we do?

So this cycle was a much needed break from dealing with the RE to gain some perspective on the whole situation. I did need a break, however I didn’t think I’d be dealing with kidney stones during it, kind of ironic isn’t it? My break from doctors offices actually has turned into more doctor visits and even a few hospital ones! Perfect.

So where’s the perspective you ask? I just sound mostly bitter at this point! Well, all sarcasm aside, I am actually at a place where I feel like I have been able to let go a bit. Let go of the control, and just accept that no amount of forcing this will make it happen. It’s going to happen when the time is right and all we can do is what is within our control, which is stay and be healthy, not over obsess, and have lots of sex. It’s really that last one that may be the hardest, he he. I jest. Sort of. OK, mostly. TTC sex for a year and a half has really killed the spark, IYKWIM.

Anyways, that’s where I am at. Now I have to go ice my back cuz sitting here is killing me.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

oh, for fuck’s sake! playing the interview meme

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. canape  |  June 7, 2007 at 2:27 am

    Sending lots of hugs. The kind that are small and lean in at the shoulder so as not to hurt your back.

    I can’t begin to imagine the frustration you are feeling. The RE, the cycles, the drugs, the lack of results. I wish I knew anything to say that was comforting, but I don’t. I’m sorry.

  • 2. Mary Ellen  |  June 7, 2007 at 1:48 pm

    I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better, but I don’t. This is all so hard. I am thinking of you sweetie.

  • 3. Alexa  |  June 7, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    Ah yes, kidney stones. I am so sorry you are dealing with them. Sometimes a heating pad helps a bit. But then so does Vicodin:)
    Good luck at letting go of the control.

  • 4. Alisha  |  June 8, 2007 at 9:56 pm

    If you don’t feel confident with this RE’s advice, is there any way of getting a 2nd opinion?

    I really hope that your days improve and SOON!!!! Thinking of you!

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