Archive for June, 2007

east meets west

This week has been so weird! It was an extreme feeling of missing my baby boy and enjoying the freedom all at the same time. I have kept so busy to pass the time – seeing girlfriends I rarely get time to see, going out to dinner, sleeping late, napping after work (!) and just plain keeping to whatever schedule I felt like around my work hours. But I am counting down the hours until we get to the lake tomorrow to wrap my arms around my little boy. Today his Auntie (who is up there now with my nephew and my mom) said to Sweetlove, “Oh boy, I could just EAT you UP!” (as in, you are so cute…) and his reply? “No Auntie! Don’t eat me up! My mama is coming tomorrow and she won’t be able to find me!” The sweetness. See?

Last night I went over to my friend’s house who is 14 weeks pregnant with twins (IVF #2, that friend) and she is absolutely glowing. I can’t help but tear up when I look at her, thinking of what she has been through and where is today. I am so happy for her and her hubby, if there are such thing as “turns” it was definitely hers. And in a weirdly crazy sort of way, each month I am not pregnant myself is another month closer to being able to help her with those babies… so bittersweet! She will need me desperately during that time (or so she thinks, first time mom and all, with twins, yikes!) and I would love to be there for her if I can but I’d also love to be layed up with PIH in a hospital bed waiting to deliver my own little bambino too. OK, “love” might be a strong word there. I’d more love to be enjoying a healthy pregnancy … but you know what I mean right?

I started taking something called “Chaste Tree Berry” (aka Vitex / Agnes Cactus) today. It’s been in my medicine cabinet for an. entire. year. I’ve been so afraid to make the committment to take it for a solid three months that I’ve put it off. Where western medicine has failed me, I am now opening the door to eastern medicine and I’m going to give it the summer to see if it regulates my cycles. And by regulate, I mean bring my ovulation date up to something respectable like before CD20. I’m on CD32 today with no “o” in sight… very unusual for me but this is my first cycle off injectibles and I think my body is really confused.

Here’s a little about Chaste Tree Berry:
(excerpt from Steven Foster @ stevenfoster.com)
“It was found that chaste tree fruit preparations act on the pituitary gland to regulate the production of, and induce normalization of the ovarian hormones. The timing of the release of pituitary hormones, regulates menstruation, fertility, and other processes. Hence, an agent that will produce a balance of hormones can help to regulate these processes. The biological activity of chaste tree cannot be attributed to a single chemical component. The fruits contain flavonoids including the major flavonoid casticin, as well as orientin and isovitexin. Many chaste tree products are standardized to flavonoid content.”

Apparently if you are oestrogen dominant it might help. For some women, it works miracles and for others it screws their cycles right up. You have to be prepared to give it a few months though – I’ve seen the analogy like a home renovation – you have to tear the structure down and it will look like crap until the work is done and then it will be beautiful.

I just know that if I don’t try it, I will always wonder if this is all it could have taken, you know?

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June 29, 2007 at 2:20 am 3 comments

i’ll be missing you…

Two full weeks back to work now, I am off the pain meds for my back and feeling so good! (ok, I should actually say “better than crap” but I’m trying to be more positive with myself). Sweetlove leaves today for the cabin with my parents, he will be there for two weeks [omg, can I be away from him that long?] A. and I will be heading up there next Friday for the Canada Day long weekend so we’ll get to be with him for four days of that time. My mom takes care of Sweetlove while I work throughout the year, but her and my dad spend their summers at their lakefront property in the interior (5 hours drive) and I’ve covered off most of the summer so she can have HER holidays, but this week and next were the only ones I couldn’t find anyone for, and she was happy to take him. It will give him a chance to bond with Grandpa who’s barely ever home with all his work travels. And the place is like heaven on earth for a three year old. You’d think they had 10 grandkids with all the playgrounds, toys, sandboxes, swing sets, water toys, up there. It’s just Sweetlove and his little 10 month old cousin B! They would *love* ten or twenty grandkids but at this rate, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to give them a 3rd, [sigh]. So I’m a bit melancholy today, I’m going to miss my little guy like CRAZY this week, I’ll enjoy the freedom until about 10:00 tomorrow morning and then I’ll be counting down the minutes to when we can leave to go up there ourselves. And I’m going to squeeze him so friggin tight.

In cycle news, I’m on CD25 with impending ovulation close (albeit late) and we’re back on the horse, so to speak. A. quit smoking three weeks ago, cold turkey with the help of the patch, and I’m so damn proud of him. He’s had only 2 beers in the past three weeks, cut down his coffee to one small cup a day and eliminated all weed and cigarettes. Talk about will power! I didn’t know he had it in him, but man am I ever appreciative. It’s also helped us feel more like we’re in this together, he’s asking more about where I am in my cycle, and he’s thinking more about the coming months and more open to the actual conversations about such. I can tell he’s more invested. I think he’s thinking “when we finally get pregnant, I can have my life back too!” Ha! Or maybe he’ll just feel so much better being HEALTHY without all those poisons that he won’t want to go back. That would be nice too.

Cyclewise, I’m really at a loss of what to do next. I’ve really enjoyed the break from all the meds, I can’t even put into words how good that has felt physically. But on the other hand, it feels crappy to not be *doing anything* to help our cause right now. No treatment = no hope. God that sounds depressing. But it’s the way it feels. I don’t even know when I’m going to go back to the clinic at this point. I need figure out a plan first.

Anyways, that’s what’s going on in my end of the world. Happy Friday everyone!

June 22, 2007 at 4:19 pm 2 comments

doin’ ok

Wow, another whole week since I’ve written here.  I guess taking a break from the baby making saga hasn’t left me with much to say.  I’m still dealing with some lingering back pain from the kidney stones, so I’m limited some in mobility but life is back on track otherwise, thank goodness.  I went back to work last Monday and made it through the whole week with no real issues.  I have totally abandoned my cycle charting, taken my temp a few days here and there but really not keeping track.  Today I noticed it was CD20, no ovulation yet I do know that, but we’re covering our bases no matter what, IYKWIM!  The husband has been sulking around here the last few weeks a little bitter than my back issue has shut down the “bedroom activity” so I’ve had to make up for lost time and he’s smiling from ear to ear these last few days.  Ah, the wifely duties!  Like you really want to hear about all that right? Well, what’s a little s*x talk between friends!

On one hand I really have come to accept that this will happen for us when it will and no amount of obsession over it will help so I’ve backed off a lot in regards to spending time analyzing, researching, message boards, etc. and I’m just enjoying the break from the various fertility drug side effects.  I’ve been taking meds for the past six months so it’s nice to be able to wake up each day like a normal person not bogged down by hormonal upset.  Although I can’t say I’ve felt great with all this kidney stone BS, but at least that is almost over too. 

One thing I have noticed is that I’ve had to abandon the pregnancy blogs I normally read, it just hurts too much.  I do still read a few regularly, the women I feel connected to that are more like true friends, like Canape for example.  I am so happy for her truly, excited she is pregnant again and I can’t wait to follow along on her journey. 

I’ve got at least four other women in my life who are about to pop so I’ve been doing some baby shower gift shopping lately, ah and my heart does ache when I enter those stores.  

My three year old is proving to be quite the little devil these days, the defiance has risen in him and we are in the battlefield of patience many times a day lately.  I take a LOT of deep breaths.  zWhy is it called the “terrible threes” rather than the “terrible twos”?  He never gave us this much grief when he was two!  Oh well, I keep telling myself with every cross step, he is just wanting us to reinforce the rules to show him we love him.  But man, it’s hard!  My husband is more the bad cop in our family and I tend to comfort Sweetlove after Papa has gotten angry.  I see that we need to start joining forces to create a unified presence, but it is proving to be much harder than I ever imagined.

Anyways, that’s it from my end of the world!  Sweetlove will be going to the cabin with his grandparents on Friday for a whole WEEK so we’ll have plenty of time to ourselves and miss him like crazy all over again!

June 17, 2007 at 5:48 am 2 comments

playing the interview meme

Thanks to Canape, I am excited to answer my first interview meme! I love to talk about myself, so here goes! However I must warn you I’m not that exciting…

1. How did you and your husband meet?
We met in the summer of 1997, I was a cool, fresh 19 years old. I had experienced a lot in my short 19 years so by then I was ready to meet the love of my life, little did I know it at the time. I was single and loving it, spending my nights at the bars and my weekends partying til the sun came up… ah, it was the life of a university student totally unfocused on her studies…

So anyways, a few girlfriends of mine had boyfriends who played on a local baseball team and it was national championship weekend for the league. They called me to come along and watch their boyfriends’ game, hinting there was a total hottie on the team who was single and impossible to catch, was I up to the challenge? Never one to shy away from that kind of temptation, I made a decision that would change the course of my life in that very moment. I sat in the bleachers as my friend Jackie pointed out the third baseman. That was him, she said. And really, truly, it was love at first sight. I could tell he was a soft hearted guy with the looks of a tough guy.  It was something in his eyes.  He was tall, muscular, handsome, dark hair, dark skin, the most amazing green eyes.  After the game was over, I was introduced to him. He was surprisingly shy. It was a quick hello and we all talked about going to one of the player’s places for the after party that night to celebrate the big win. Of course, I was so going to be there.  He and I spent the evening sitting on a log in the backyard of some guy’s house, talking talking talking, we couldn’t take our eyes off eachother. It was truly like there was no one else there, even though there was at least 80 other party goers in that yard. When 2am came, my friend Jackie told me it was time to go, so he walked me to her car and I put my hand out to shake his hand, he pulled me in and said “Can I kiss you?” oh my god, my heart melted. I said something to the effect of YES and he kissed me right there and then. It wasn’t anything long and passionate, just right though. I walked away, dizzy as anything, got into Jackie’s car and screamed the whole way home. He called me the next day and we went out for our first date, lunch at To.ny Ro.mas. And the rest is history… truly.

2. What is your favorite way to wake up in the morning?
My favorite way to wake up is to the sound of my 3 year old whispering “mama! mama!” in my face… I open my eyes to the sweetest thing, it always starts out right.

3. What is the rudest thing someone has said to you in your journey through secondary infertility and how did you handle it?
“Maybe God isn’t letting you get pregnant again because you might die if you do.”
I had a high risk pregnancy with Sweetlove, so I do “get” people’s concerns, but seriously? I worry enough for everyone, I don’t need other people telling me I’m not getting pregnant because I might die if I do. I just stared at her in disbelief and as soon as she said it, she apologized and said that really sounded bad, I’m sorry. I said you better be, cuz yeah, that was totally out of line. And that was it.

4. Do you prefer yard work or house work?
My DH is in the landscape industry so the outside stuff is all his territory, and I’m totally okay with that because I really don’t like getting my hands dirty. Ugh, that makes me sound like such a princess, and I kind of am, but I really don’t enjoy the outside yard work stuff. I do, on the other hand, have a strange passion for folding laundry. I love it. It makes me feel complete. So weird, I know.

5. Do you have any pets or did you have any as a child?
No pets in our family at the moment. We had lots of cats growing up (one at a time I mean) and my cat Simon still lives with my parents. We tried bringing him with us when we got married and moved into an apartment downtown but he hated being inside and cried insesantly so we let him move back in with my parents. He’s much happier there, and we love to visit him. And he stays with us when my parents go to their place on the lake. So we kind of have a kitty, but it’s more part time custody.

June 9, 2007 at 10:13 pm 2 comments

a little perspective

This has been my longest blogging absence in a long time huh? Well, just goes to show that being in excrutiating pain for days on end doesn’t do much for your blogging creative. I went in to work today for a few hours to catch up on a few things but couldn’t sit in that chair with this back pain so on home I went. I’m so sick of these four walls! Monday’s appt with the urologist can not come soon enough.

I will say though that this week has really given me some perspective on my situation. First off, my RE basically told me last week at our baseline appt that he didn’t see the point in doing more injectibles cycles if I am only producing one egg, since I produce one egg on my own already. And he doesn’t want to produce more eggs because of the risk of multiples and my high risk first pregnancy puts me at high risk again, and all that equals bad risk. Hence the low doses and low stimulation to create as few eggs as possible. Now, I was under the impression I had a few eggs last cycle (inj/IUI#1) but he’s thinking I had just the one lead that was big enough to trigger. So his thinking here is why go through the expense, time, stress and effort of a medicated cycle just to produce what I am already producing naturally? Well… ummmm…. because I am not getting pregnant naturally?! So unless we’re ready for IVF, there is no point in doing ART. [insert tears of hopelessness here].

And then he said something that blew me away and made me question him altogether as an RE. I said, what about this cyst? Can I go on the pill for a cycle to get rid of it so at least we’re dealing with two healthy ovaries? Know what he said back? Get ready for this…

“The birth control pill does not get rid of cysts, it just prevents new ones from forming.”

Yeah. So now I think maybe this guy isn’t all he’s made out to be, a fancy RE from Cor.nell. Why would he say such a ridiculous thing? I had him repeat it for clarity and just sat there stunned.

So he wants to see me when I’m gearing up to ovulate (naturally) this cycle and do an e2 and LH test, then an ultrasound to see what there is to see. Since the last two natural cycles I “ovulated” (with proof of LH surge and p4 b/w) but he wasn’t able to see any follicles in my ovaries either time. Yet last cycle on the injects, he could see multiple little baby ones at various points in the cycle. So he says, if again this cycle he can’t see the follicles but my body is doing all the things that equal ovulation happened, then we’ll go back to the injects.

I was just exhausted by the whole discussion, left his office, walked into the elevator and promptly burst into tears right there and then. With two guys in suits standing next to me. I sat in my car and cried. Went straight home and cried some more.

I am at a loss. What is wrong with us? We created Sweetlove with no trouble, we’re still the same people, in the same health status (better, if anything) and we can’t fucking get out of the gate. Not even a chemical! I have regular cycles, A’s sperm is above average… what more can we do?

So this cycle was a much needed break from dealing with the RE to gain some perspective on the whole situation. I did need a break, however I didn’t think I’d be dealing with kidney stones during it, kind of ironic isn’t it? My break from doctors offices actually has turned into more doctor visits and even a few hospital ones! Perfect.

So where’s the perspective you ask? I just sound mostly bitter at this point! Well, all sarcasm aside, I am actually at a place where I feel like I have been able to let go a bit. Let go of the control, and just accept that no amount of forcing this will make it happen. It’s going to happen when the time is right and all we can do is what is within our control, which is stay and be healthy, not over obsess, and have lots of sex. It’s really that last one that may be the hardest, he he. I jest. Sort of. OK, mostly. TTC sex for a year and a half has really killed the spark, IYKWIM.

Anyways, that’s where I am at. Now I have to go ice my back cuz sitting here is killing me.

June 6, 2007 at 11:20 pm 4 comments


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