It Takes Two, Baby.

May 29, 2007 at 3:57 pm 5 comments

I’m not even sure where to start. First I want to say that I love my husband very much and he really is, in so many ways, a wonderful, supportive man. I am not exactly the easiest person to live with and he puts up with me and all my craziness. He works really hard to provide for his family and there is not a doubt in my mind how much he loves both of us. But here’s the hard part. He’s not a very “deep” guy emotionally. He’s a simple person, with few needs and in turn, few complaints. What I love about him also drives me mad sometimes. Where I tend to be insightful and reflective, emotionally driven and a communicator, he is more of the … well … opposite. And it’s times like this, that these differences in us turn us away from eachother.

Last night I after work, I picked up my son from Grandma’s house just like every other day. A. was working late so along with feeling like both emotional and physical crap, I had to keep Sweetlove busy for the three hours before supper, then bath, then bed. Finally A. got home right when I was putting Sweetlove to bed. Not a word of how are you feeling, or I’m so sorry honey, or a hug or anything. I had kept it together all day at work, all evening with my son (for I’ll be damned if he feels the effects of this IF shit too) and now it was time, at 8:00, for me. To acknowledge my disappointment, my sadness, another month of a lost dream, my February baby. To let go of the fact that we spent 1500 dollars on a failed cycle with nothing to show for it, to realize that we have to invest again in this lottery when now our chances seem even less. And I was even more disappointed in my husband for seeming so uninvested in this. Why was I feeling EVERYTHING while he feels NOTHING?

And then I thought I may have figured it out.

I am the one that spends countless hours on the internet reading studies and research papers, analyzing statistics and approaches, going to all the appointments by myself, having my private parts poked and prodded by a perfect stranger (feeling humiliated), injecting myself with medication, feeling the side effects of all these drugs which are never ending emotionally and physically, and cutting out all the stuff in my life I ENJOY like coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, you name it as far as food goes ~ I’m on a strict diet so nothing I like to eat is on that list anymore, I have sacrificed to the FULLEST. And all he does is take a few vitamins and give his sample once a month. Oh, and listening to me complain ~ that does count for something. But seriously, no wonder I’m the one so upset when this doesn’t work — I’m the one that is FULLY INVESTED in this process, not him. He’s still drinking beer after work and weekend binges of liquor, he’s still smoking 1/2 pack a day, he still smokes weed with his buddies, he still drinks his daily coffee, he eats whatever he wants. All of this stuff I’ve been on his case to quit for months, but what can I do? I am only in control of my own body and what goes in it.

So realizing this last night, I told him that I’m not going to take on another round of treatment until he commits to doing everything possible on his end that is within in our control to make this successful, which includes cutting out all of the above. We don’t know why we aren’t getting pregnant again ~ it’s unexplained, and I only have two more IUI’s before they will want to do IVF and financially that is not an option for us.

So, what do you think? Am I being unreasonable asking him to sacrifice some of his unhealthy habits for the sake of this pursuit? He says he wants another child just as badly as I do. So why is that so much to ask? Am I simply asking too much of him?

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CD1 oh, for fuck’s sake!

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sunny Jenny  |  May 29, 2007 at 4:21 pm

    That’s a completely reasonable request, to ask your husband to take the same steps you’ve taken. You’re in this together. Would you consider having A do your inections. My DH does, and it helps to make it a joint effort.

  • 2. Leah  |  May 29, 2007 at 6:42 pm

    That is not unreasonable at all. Even if there wasn’t a good medical reason for him to quit all of those things (which, of course, there is), he should do it as a show of support and solidarity. Most men seem to feel very disconnected from the whole process because they aren’t enduring the same physical trials that we have to. But he needs to find a way to be more connected — to this process and to you. And if that means no smoking (of anything), and no drinking, then so be it.

    My husband and I have had many discussions regarding the huge difference in time and emotional effort during IUI and IVF cycles. I think about it 105% of the day, doing all the things you mentioned — including a never-ending frenzied analysis of my every little twinge and pain. He thinks about it when he has to make his *deposit*, when I remind him that I’ve got an appointment, and when he gives me shots (although I’ve done all the shots myself the last 3 cycles). He *says* he thinks about it all day too, but I know he doesn’t. In reality, that’s okay because if we both thought about it as much as I do, we’d go insane.

    However, he did give up coffee for our effort and never once gave me grief for asking him to do it. He’s far, far, FAR from perfect, but he does understand that my body, mind, and soul are being ravaged by these IF treatments and is desperate to show support in some way. Hopefully your husband will feel the same. It’s really just a drop in the bucket compared to the sacrifices he will need to make in his lifestyle once your baby(ies) finally do get here!

  • 3. Mary Ellen  |  May 29, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    You are not being even a little bit unreasonable. He should be right there with you doing whatever it takes. I also wouldn’t be willing to go further with treatment until he is on board. I am sorry that the two of you are going through this, and while he may not show it, I am sure that it is affecting him too. Thinking of you girl. xx

  • 4. canape  |  May 29, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But I also think you made an excellent point in the fact that he isn’t invested the same way that you are. It does take more actual work and sacrifice on your part. Because of that, he may not even realize that you feel the way you have described. Unless of course, you’ve specifically told him how you feel and why you feel that way.

    And weed affects sperm, so that is as good a reason as any to lay off that.

    Remember though, that he might not feel like he asked you to sacrifice things, or that he might not understand at first why you are feeling like you are feeling everything and he is feeling nothing. You deserve support. Maybe he just needs to hear it.

    Good luck. You two have already been through so much together. You can do this too!

  • 5. Alisha  |  May 30, 2007 at 12:23 pm

    As your caption states “It Takes Two, Baby.” I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all Jen. I would be feeling the exact same way if I were you. I think it is time for him to strap up his boots and get serious with this. He needs to cut all that shit out; if not the majority of it. Like you said, you’re the one who’s running with everything and he just has to supply his seed. I think that he needs to do a 360 change and that he also contribute his 50%. From what I’ve read…you’re way beyond 50…
    You’re making a lot of sacrifices and I think he should too…simply based on the fact that he says that he wants another child as badly as you do. Like the others have posted here, I’m sure that he is feeling the affects of what has been going on. Men just tend to internalize everything. Maybe one of the reasons why he didn’t comfort you the other night? He might be going through a lot too…secretly. But he still has to cut out those bad habits and meet you half way. Coz Jen you’re going through a whole hell of a lot yourself, and you alone cannot carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

    I hope things change for the positive.

    You’re in my thoughts.

    XOX
    Lish

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