What Friends Can’t Understand

May 22, 2007 at 4:55 pm 4 comments

I have a best friend. I’ll call her April. We’ve been best friends since grade 10, so …. 13 years now? She’s the kind of person who everyone wants to be around, always thoughtful, always ethical, lots of integrity and never has a bad thing to say about anyone. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, and she’s a giver. You know how some people in life are givers and some are takers? Anyways, April and I have always been a good pair because she takes care of me. As I’ve grown older, I’ve been able to give back a lot too. I appreciate her so much, I don’t have a sister and she’s the closest thing to it. Anyways, this post isn’t really about how much I love my best friend. It’s more about how infertility has kind of put a wedge between us.

We went to a barbeque yesterday at Kimberley & Adam’s house last night. April and her DH were there, along with another couple who are just newly pregnant with twins after two and a half years of infertility treatments and two IVF’s. Kim & Adam are also infertile, Kim is in the 2ww for her FET #2. So the group was comprised of three infertile couples and April and her DH who haven’t started trying for kids yet. God bless her, I pray she doesn’t have to go through this battle like the rest of us.

So we’re sitting down around the patio table enjoying the afternoon, and the conversation turned to joking around about the quirks of IF procedures, porn in the room that DH’s have to produce their samples, the fun of vag. suppositories, who gives the needles in the relationship, and all things IF. It was so nice to sit around with other people who have gone through what we are going through. To put it out there and find the funny parts of this horrible struggle. To commiserate with other couples and not feel so alone for once. ‘Cause you don’t sit around family dinners and discuss sperm counts. And you don’t sit around the office and talk about cervix positioning. So here was a place where we could just talk about what is really on our minds, rather than the weather and everything that distracts us from the true stories of our hearts.

Now here’s where April comes in. She’s sitting next to me and she is rolling her eyes at us. OK, so I know that this stuff isn’t exactly dinner table talk but we weren’t eating at that point. She’s like you guys, this is gross. How can you talk like this? And the look on her face was almost disgust. It’s not like the subject monopolized the evening, it was a total of about 20 minutes of conversation. I just felt kind of annoyed at her. I didn’t say anything. She obviously can’t know how it feels to be us, but once in a while it would be nice for her to hear the other side. She tries to be supportive and remembers to ask me about where I am in my cycle and how I’m feeling, but really…. she keeps herself kind of an arm’s length away when it comes to this. I don’t really get into it with her either because when I have broached the subject with her, she brushes it off like it’s not that big of a deal. Jen, you’ve got Sweetlove, how bad can it be? That kind of attitude. So anyways, this weekend kind of disappointed me. Do any of you have friends like that? Friends that you love to death but can talk to about the one thing that drives you life at this moment? It sucks. Thank god I’ve got my blogger friends, I don’t know what I do without you all!

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sunny Jenny  |  May 22, 2007 at 8:36 pm

    I did and I do. My friend Bella was the same as your friend April. She couldn’t understand my anger, depression, or struggle at all. I couldn’t talk to her about a single IF thing. She said all the typical idiotic things people say. Until she was diagnosed with IF. Now it’s a whole different story. We’ve had many a teary conversation in which she’s apologized for her insensitivity and idiotic statements. She now sees so much more of what it s like to be me.

    Then I have a friend who is just completely patronizing and usually ends each conversation ends with “Well there is always adoption.”

    I’ve just found there are people you can talk to and people you should keep at arms length. It’s sad that your best friend is at arms length.

    You always have us! — Now that’s some consolation prize!

  • 2. canape  |  May 23, 2007 at 3:05 am

    You do have us. That is for sure! Void of eye rolling and anxious to hear the latest. In complete detail 😉

  • 3. Mary Ellen  |  May 23, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    We’ll be here for you whenever you need us!

  • 4. Alisha  |  May 24, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    Even though I cannot relate to what you’re going through…I still want to hear the details of your days in TTC. That’s what friends are for aren’t they?

    No eye rolling here. Just complete support and encouragement to take it one day at a time.

    ;o)

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