Archive for May, 2007

oh, for fuck’s sake!

Excuse my language, but …

First of all, thank you all so much for your wonderful feedback on my last post. All of you were so insightful and brought up some good points. And of course, I totally agree. A. has given me a total committment to quit drinking alcohol period, quit smoking weed period, he’s bought the patch and he’s starting it on Saturday for his smoking and he’s cutting down on his coffee, so really… he stepped it up big time. He must have heard me. I am so appreciative of that, and feeling like we can do this together now that we’re on the same page and both invested.

OK, so now for my appt with the RE yesterday morning. I had my baseline scan and thankfully I just have the one cyst (old faithful) that I’ve been dealing with for months and none others left over. However my period has been mega painful and mega heavy, I’m still bleeding heavily and it’s day 4. After the ultrasound, I went back to his office with him to discuss future treatment. Here’s were it gets shitty and I will write a post about it soon, but its so long and complicated I don’t have the mind for it right now. I’ll just say that I’m taking a month off from treatment and he’s going to monitor me with bloodwork and ultrasound close to my natural ovulation to see what is going on during a natural cycle. Plus I need the break. So that’s that.

Now for the “oh, for fuck’s sake” part. I’ve had baaaadddddd cramps and backache for the past few days but that’s all very normal period related. Then last night, things went weird on me. My lower right back started to sear. I mean, holy fuck sear. It radiated forward around my lower abdomen and I took some advil, tried a heating pad and then went to sleep, or tried to. I woke up about 4am hardly able to breathe the pain was so severe. I woke up A. and said, honey we have to go to the hospital NOW. (Thank god Sweetlove stayed at his Grandma’s last night so we didn’t have to worry about him.) I almost passed out on the way in the car from the pain, it was worse than labor and I really mean that. It was taking my breath away. I was immediately hooked up to IV morphine once in emergency and wow, can I say RELIEF? Yeah so once I stopped panting in agony, the doctor ran some bloodwork, I had an ultrasound of my kidneys, gallbladder and liver and they found kidney stones. I have never had anything of the sort so I wasn’t prepared for what that meant. After spending the day in the hospital, I am now home with some perco.cet and I’m waiting for the stones to pass, on high alert to go back to the hospital when the pain becomes more than I can handle (doctors words!). So yeah, it’s been quite a day. And oh, for FUCK’S SAKE! Like I really need this right now?!

Anyone had kidney stones before? How long does it take to pass them? And does it hurt as badly as I’ve been told? Worse than the pain I’m feeling right now?


May 31, 2007 at 11:43 pm 6 comments

It Takes Two, Baby.

I’m not even sure where to start. First I want to say that I love my husband very much and he really is, in so many ways, a wonderful, supportive man. I am not exactly the easiest person to live with and he puts up with me and all my craziness. He works really hard to provide for his family and there is not a doubt in my mind how much he loves both of us. But here’s the hard part. He’s not a very “deep” guy emotionally. He’s a simple person, with few needs and in turn, few complaints. What I love about him also drives me mad sometimes. Where I tend to be insightful and reflective, emotionally driven and a communicator, he is more of the … well … opposite. And it’s times like this, that these differences in us turn us away from eachother.

Last night I after work, I picked up my son from Grandma’s house just like every other day. A. was working late so along with feeling like both emotional and physical crap, I had to keep Sweetlove busy for the three hours before supper, then bath, then bed. Finally A. got home right when I was putting Sweetlove to bed. Not a word of how are you feeling, or I’m so sorry honey, or a hug or anything. I had kept it together all day at work, all evening with my son (for I’ll be damned if he feels the effects of this IF shit too) and now it was time, at 8:00, for me. To acknowledge my disappointment, my sadness, another month of a lost dream, my February baby. To let go of the fact that we spent 1500 dollars on a failed cycle with nothing to show for it, to realize that we have to invest again in this lottery when now our chances seem even less. And I was even more disappointed in my husband for seeming so uninvested in this. Why was I feeling EVERYTHING while he feels NOTHING?

And then I thought I may have figured it out.

I am the one that spends countless hours on the internet reading studies and research papers, analyzing statistics and approaches, going to all the appointments by myself, having my private parts poked and prodded by a perfect stranger (feeling humiliated), injecting myself with medication, feeling the side effects of all these drugs which are never ending emotionally and physically, and cutting out all the stuff in my life I ENJOY like coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, you name it as far as food goes ~ I’m on a strict diet so nothing I like to eat is on that list anymore, I have sacrificed to the FULLEST. And all he does is take a few vitamins and give his sample once a month. Oh, and listening to me complain ~ that does count for something. But seriously, no wonder I’m the one so upset when this doesn’t work — I’m the one that is FULLY INVESTED in this process, not him. He’s still drinking beer after work and weekend binges of liquor, he’s still smoking 1/2 pack a day, he still smokes weed with his buddies, he still drinks his daily coffee, he eats whatever he wants. All of this stuff I’ve been on his case to quit for months, but what can I do? I am only in control of my own body and what goes in it.

So realizing this last night, I told him that I’m not going to take on another round of treatment until he commits to doing everything possible on his end that is within in our control to make this successful, which includes cutting out all of the above. We don’t know why we aren’t getting pregnant again ~ it’s unexplained, and I only have two more IUI’s before they will want to do IVF and financially that is not an option for us.

So, what do you think? Am I being unreasonable asking him to sacrifice some of his unhealthy habits for the sake of this pursuit? He says he wants another child just as badly as I do. So why is that so much to ask? Am I simply asking too much of him?

May 29, 2007 at 3:57 pm 5 comments


So it’s really over. My period arrived in full force this morning and I am just numb. I can’t feel anything. I also can’t talk about it with anyone for fear of crying so I am just pretending this isn’t happening and pushing forward with work. I now wish I had kept this entire cycle to myself because everyone is asking me how I’m feeling with that twinkle in their eye like “are you pregnant?” Its really annoying. I think I am going to keep the next cycle to myself so this doesn’t happen again, it just makes it that much harder.

Except you guys of course. You are my soft place to fall.

May 28, 2007 at 4:41 pm 7 comments


Test is snow white.  BFN.

Spotting has begun.

Hope has left the building.

May 27, 2007 at 8:25 pm 2 comments


So we’re getting close to the end here… tomorrow morning my temp should drop if I’m not pregnant. I am not sure if I want to know quite yet. I have been taking more tests, its kind of bizarre. The one I took yesterday (1 day after my last post with the pic) was quite a bit darker but then today’s was lighter again. So I am not sure what to think. It’s almost 12 days since the trigger shot so really, there shouldn’t be any HCG left in my system from that. But I’m always the exception so that is probably the case here as well. I don’t feel particularly pregnant, I am assuming all the ‘symptoms’ I have are just progesterone side effects. Also, I’ve used up all my cheapie HPT tests so if I test again, I actually have to pay 12 bucks for a test so I probably won’t. I will watch my temps and see what happens.

I was just thinking back to the IUI procedure. I remember lying on that table, with one hand clutching the good-luck-baby-pin and the other hand clutching A’s. He was sitting there next to me, holding on tight. I looked up at the ceiling and tears just started falling from my face. I thought, what kind of baby making is this???? Not at all how its “supposed” to be. This is not how we are supposed to do this, it made me so sad. Here we are with a perfect stranger inserting A’s sperm in my body like a clinical procedure. OK, it was a clinical procedure. It just hit me at that moment what we were actually doing. And it made me very sad. And then after it was over, I looked at it in another way: how lucky we are to have modern medicine to help us conceive a child when not too long ago, women didn’t have these options. There are always so many ways to look at things. I think its important to recognize all perspectives. So while its kind of sad, its also kind of special. This child, whenever he or she is going to be conceived, will be very special. How many kids can say their parents went through years of infertility with tests, procedures, treatments, financial and emotional turmoil… all of this to create them. Now that is one very wanted child. This child will never feel like an accident, that’s for sure!

May 26, 2007 at 9:43 pm 1 comment



So this is the HPT test I took this morning.  It’s technically been 10 days since the trigger shot…. so really…shouldn’t the HCG be out of my system by now? What do you all think?

May 24, 2007 at 8:42 pm 3 comments

What Friends Can’t Understand

I have a best friend. I’ll call her April. We’ve been best friends since grade 10, so …. 13 years now? She’s the kind of person who everyone wants to be around, always thoughtful, always ethical, lots of integrity and never has a bad thing to say about anyone. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, and she’s a giver. You know how some people in life are givers and some are takers? Anyways, April and I have always been a good pair because she takes care of me. As I’ve grown older, I’ve been able to give back a lot too. I appreciate her so much, I don’t have a sister and she’s the closest thing to it. Anyways, this post isn’t really about how much I love my best friend. It’s more about how infertility has kind of put a wedge between us.

We went to a barbeque yesterday at Kimberley & Adam’s house last night. April and her DH were there, along with another couple who are just newly pregnant with twins after two and a half years of infertility treatments and two IVF’s. Kim & Adam are also infertile, Kim is in the 2ww for her FET #2. So the group was comprised of three infertile couples and April and her DH who haven’t started trying for kids yet. God bless her, I pray she doesn’t have to go through this battle like the rest of us.

So we’re sitting down around the patio table enjoying the afternoon, and the conversation turned to joking around about the quirks of IF procedures, porn in the room that DH’s have to produce their samples, the fun of vag. suppositories, who gives the needles in the relationship, and all things IF. It was so nice to sit around with other people who have gone through what we are going through. To put it out there and find the funny parts of this horrible struggle. To commiserate with other couples and not feel so alone for once. ‘Cause you don’t sit around family dinners and discuss sperm counts. And you don’t sit around the office and talk about cervix positioning. So here was a place where we could just talk about what is really on our minds, rather than the weather and everything that distracts us from the true stories of our hearts.

Now here’s where April comes in. She’s sitting next to me and she is rolling her eyes at us. OK, so I know that this stuff isn’t exactly dinner table talk but we weren’t eating at that point. She’s like you guys, this is gross. How can you talk like this? And the look on her face was almost disgust. It’s not like the subject monopolized the evening, it was a total of about 20 minutes of conversation. I just felt kind of annoyed at her. I didn’t say anything. She obviously can’t know how it feels to be us, but once in a while it would be nice for her to hear the other side. She tries to be supportive and remembers to ask me about where I am in my cycle and how I’m feeling, but really…. she keeps herself kind of an arm’s length away when it comes to this. I don’t really get into it with her either because when I have broached the subject with her, she brushes it off like it’s not that big of a deal. Jen, you’ve got Sweetlove, how bad can it be? That kind of attitude. So anyways, this weekend kind of disappointed me. Do any of you have friends like that? Friends that you love to death but can talk to about the one thing that drives you life at this moment? It sucks. Thank god I’ve got my blogger friends, I don’t know what I do without you all!

May 22, 2007 at 4:55 pm 4 comments

Older Posts

Blog Stats

  • 18,477 hits