Archive for April, 2007

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to listen, did it make any noise?

So just like I thought, I ovulated an “invisible” egg on Saturday night (or early Sunday morning according to my estimations) and by this morning, my temp has shot right up .6º F – even a bigger jump than I normally have on 1 DPO.And I’ve figured out by researching all the data available on the internet that you can not have a progesterone surge (which is reflected in a biphasic BBT chart) without a follicle’s corpus luteum releasing the progesterone hormone. So a follicle had to release an egg in order for the corpus luteum to even exist. Hence I must have ovulated. Hence my RE is either blind or I have some seriously screwed up ovary positioning. Now I’m just mad at myself for not listening to my gut and having the IUI done. When I was on the phone with the RE, he said that he’d do the insemination, it wouldn’t be harmful but what would be the point since there was no follicle? Well I didn’t want to sound like a crazy infertile and say um, I know you are a doctor but I’ve been trained at the college of Google in WWW, and I know better. I now regret that decision. Of course, my 7dpo bloodwork will prove it for once and for all, if in fact my progesterone is high enough to confirm what I already know, to the doctor.

I have an appt with him on Thursday morning, and I’m dragging A with me for moral support. We need to discuss next cycle treatment and how we can even do treatment when I have invisible follicles. Because this is the 2nd cycle in a row that he’s been unable to find anything and sure enough, I ovulated both times.

I have been doubled over in pain for the past four days, my ovaries have been screaming bloody murder, and my back is feeling awful too. I’ve been nauseated and headache plagued, so to summarize – my poor husband had quite a miserable weekend dealing with ME and the three year old. He’s a dear soul, I am so lucky to have him. So on Saturday night, when we were planning to go to my close friend’s 29th birthday party – at their house with 20 of our closest friends – some of whom came in from out of town, I was bummed that I was feeling like such utter crap. It was to be a night of drinking, charades and karaoke. And I really wanted to go because it was a chance to ESCAPE my mind, my thoughts for a night, escape the pain if I could, and just have FUN. And laugh. And be the only sober one there of course (which I don’t mind cuz I’m not a drinker, just watching everyone else act a fool is entertaining enough).

So I sucked it up and made myself as pretty as I could (because when you look better you feel better right?) and just had a wonderful time. There were periods where I had to hold my breath and step away because I was feeling like I was going to puke, but by about 10:30 I was feeling well enough to forget, and we partied until 1:30 am. It was so nice. Sometimes you just need that. Sweetlove was staying at G&G’s house overnight and they dropped him off at DeDu.tch in the morning where we were having a nice breakfast. Another thing we never make time to do, go out for breakfast on Sunday morning.

So all in all – this weekend was good and bad, but the good overshadows the bad. I ovulated and in turn, we had lots of sex (hehe) and we enjoyed an evening of just being young and in love again. Screw the pain, I’m using my mind filter and I am going to remember the good parts!

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April 16, 2007 at 5:47 pm 2 comments

Grrrr…. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING ???

 Just like I thought – my body is gearing up to ovulate – I got a +OPK this morning. Ummm… how’s that possible since the doctor didn’t see any follicles yesterday? So I phoned him and told him about the +OPK and he said, well the only explanation I can come up with this that your body is triggering an LH surge because your estrogen is up (and he knows that my estrogen is up because my endometrial lining is thickening for implantation — which he could see yesterday on the u/s) …but WHY is my estrogen up is if there is no egg there? That’s the mystery.

So what am I supposed to do now? He said it was our choice, but an insemination wouldn’t be recommended since there is no follicle to fertilize… so I said OK we’ll just do what we always do at home each month (BD) and I want bloodwork in seven days then which will confirm 100% whether or not I did release an egg. And if my temp goes up in a few days, then I will also know that I released an egg. An imaginary egg of course. WTH?????!!!!

Grrrrr…. I’m so frustrated. This is not supposed to go this way!!!   I’ve never heard of this and I’ve done my reading on these situations! Even the doc is stumped. 

Anyone know what could be happening?

April 13, 2007 at 5:16 pm 2 comments

OK I’m crazy then.

Had another scan this morning – he looked far and wide, pushed on my stomach to move things around, said unless I have a third ovary that he can’t see, there is no follicle there even close to ovulation.  Just antral follicles.  Grrrrr….. I’m so friggin frustrated.  And does the stress of all this make it a self-fulfilling prophecy?  And you know what sucks even more? Starting my day out like this.  Starting the day with the dildo-cam and Dr.No-Good-News.

He basically told me to just stop testing and wait for my period because I’m obviously not going to respond.  I was like, hi? have you met me?  I can’t stop testing!  I’m a crazed woman obsessed with figuring out my own reproductive system and whatever the hell is wrong with it.  Giving up is not an option. 

 So I’m just going to wait for my + OPK and then I’m going to call him and have a scan and see what exactly that all means.  And then we’re going to do the IUI no matter what day it is because for $200 I’m not going to let this cycle go to waste.  I WILL ovulate, I always do, it’s just a matter of time.  These doctors, what do they know?

April 12, 2007 at 3:55 pm 3 comments

The Case of the Missing Follies

So I wrote my RE an email today asking him if its possible there was a “hiding” follicle during my u/s because I feel like I’m on the verge of ovulation – tons of eggwhite cm, cervix is high, sore bb’s and back, headachey… all the signs I get right before ovulation… so the fact that he can’t see any maturing follicles really baffles me. Because this happened last cycle when he did a scan on CD21 and said the same thing, no mature follicles …but then I got a positive OPK three days later (and ovulated the next day) so what the heck?So anyways back to the email. He replied saying that he’s “learned to trust women’s feelings on what’s going on with their bodies, so to come in tomorrow morning for another scan”. And that yes, it’s possible to have missed a follicle – and “your ultrasound is not an easy one”. What does THAT mean? It’s transvaginal for godsake. How much closer does he need to GET to the ovaries to see what’s going on? Is it the cyst that’s getting in the way maybe? Anyone have any ideas?

Why do I always have to be the exception to the rule? My WHOLE life I’m the exception. Can’t I be like all the others just ONCE????

April 11, 2007 at 9:22 pm 3 comments

CD 15 Ultrasound

Still no measurable follies this morning. Back in a week to check again, but if I get a positive OPK before that I’m supposed to call and we’ll schedule the IUI. I’m still a week ahead of schedule for my normal ovulation time anyways, so I’m not all that surprised. I was really just hoping that the double dose of clomid would help things along sooner.

I’m really OK with this, I’m not going to fret about it. What will be will be. Especially seeing my Uncle over Easter, it really hit home for me how precious every day of your life is and you have to appreciate every day on this earth with your loved ones because you just never know what the future will bring. This second child will come for us, I just have to do all I can do and then give it up to God.

April 10, 2007 at 3:33 pm 1 comment

The Easter Bunny Stole My Eggs

Fitting that it’s Easter and my eggs are nowhere to be found.  Hmmm… where DID Mr. P Cottontail hide them?  I’ve looked everywhere and all I can find are pink and purple painted eggs with chocolate inside.  Now those don’t make very good embryos I’m just sure of it.

 We had such a nice Easter.  This year Sweetlove really got into it and it was so cute to watch him revel in his basket of goodies.  It wasn’t far from my mind though that this time last year I was revelling in a BFN, thinking “next year” would be for sure different.  Bleh.  Here I am, same same same. 

The fertility signs are gearing up though, so I know we’re getting close.  I have a good feeling about Tuesday’s scan, I really believe we’re going to get good news.  I have to think this way too, otherwise I’ll just be pessimistic and I am tired of being that.  We have lots to look forward to and it will happen for us, maybe not this cycle but soon…and until then, I’m going to enjoy every minute of this life that I have with all my blessings.  You know why?  Because I spent the evening with my uncle who is suffering from frontal lobe dimensia at the young age of forty seven, and watching him deteriorate so rapidly to the point of being incoherent tonight, I am just reminded that none of us have guarantees and we need to be grateful for what we DO have.  And I DO have so much.

Happy Easter, everyone.

April 9, 2007 at 4:20 am 1 comment

Close Your Eyes and Feel It

I’ve been tagged by Canape over at Don’t Take the Repeats (canapesun.blogspot.com) to list my seven favorite most enjoyed songs and since I hate to admit I’m so out of the loop with new music, I’ll list my seven favorite of all time.  You know, the ones you always enjoy listening to… no matter what mood or feeling…

 1.   Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison

Got to be #1.  This is my absolute favorite song ever.  I love love love Van Morrison, and pretty much everything he sings, but this song is my absolute fav.   It makes me think of sweetness and all things innocent.  A time in my life that it reminds me of too. 

2.   Drift Away by The Doobie Brothers

This one is the ultimate summer night on the lake song.  Hearing it makes me think of the cabin and all those long hot nights looking into the moonlight’s reflection on the water… 

 3.   Thank You by Natalie Merchant

Another voice that melts me, no matter what she sings.  My first experience listening to her was on a trip to Maui one year in my teens and I listened to her CD non-stop the entire time and now all I see is blue oceans and crashing waves when I hear her voice.  This particular song makes me grateful for all those in my life who give so much of themselves, with my mom and dad at the top of that list.  

 4.    Lost Together by Blue Rodeo

Again just a song I’ve loved forever.  Blue Rodeo anything I love, but this is my fav. A nice love song about getting through the thick of things together; no matter what comes your way you have each other. 

5.    We Danced Anyway by Deanna Carter

Love this song, reminds me of the days of dating my husband and the girls together late at night singing drunk this song.  Good times, happy times. And I’m a country girl at heart. 

6.   Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

A song about the love for your child.  I sing this one to Sweetlove all the time.  Makes me cry the ugly tears when I really let the words into my heart. 

7.   Good Mother by Jann Arden

I’m a huge fan of Jann Arden and this song has always meant a lot to me.  Being a woman and knowing where you come from and who you are.

April 8, 2007 at 4:15 am 1 comment

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