My Day Job

April 7, 2007 at 8:48 pm 1 comment

This thing I call [secondary] infertility has pushed itself through my bedroom, out the door, into my car, and all the way up the stairs to my office.  And it’s sitting squarely in my chair, it is.  This thing called IF has infilrated my escape places, its in my every thought.  Except for when I’m with my son, blowing bubbles and making elephant shapes out of playdoe.  Then I’m just mama and I am outside of IF’s grasp, thank God.  But, back to the point at hand — I am such a crappy employee.  I am a graphic designer by trade, and I’ve been with this company for more than five years.  I create magazine advertisements, brochures, web development, billboards, all that fun stuff.  I have to concept everything, present it to management, redesign, take critisism, think up more “wow” factor ideas, its draining on a good day.  But pretty much every day lately has been frought with worries and thoughts about this baby making struggle.  Protocols, statistics, high risk multiples, side effects.  So my creative genius is more than a little handicapped.  I have a huge case of designer’s block.  And I spend way too much time with Dr. Google.  And reading message boards, and posting, and scrutenizing my BBT chart.  And I’m late for work due to dr appts, sick too often due to hormonal migraines from the meds.  I am one top notch employee these days.  So it makes sense why I was d.r.e.a.d.i.n.g. my annual performance review on Thursday, no?

 Gobsmacked.  My boss was completely unfairly overwhelmingly gushing over my personal “creative growth” this past year.  She said she is proud to watch me blossom and is in awe of my abilities.  Continually impressed with my creative layouts.  What?!?!?!  And my sick time is a non-issue she said, because I produce more work than she can fathom most days.  And I got a Raise. 

 I feel like such a fraud.  I am none of those things she said.  I am a miserable lackluster employee who needs a good swift kick in the arse.  This the my worst year of my career but somehow I managed to hoodwink the team.  But I know better myself, and I know I can do so much better. 

And knowing she thinks I’m this marvelous worker just makes me feel worse. 

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

“Not a Good Responder” Of Course I’m Not. Close Your Eyes and Feel It

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Melting Mama  |  April 9, 2007 at 12:37 am

    Just. wow. Hang in there, but, congrats on the raise and good review!

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