Overcoming the Sting

February 27, 2007 at 4:22 am 3 comments

Not because I woke up like that either. Man, does this IF stuff ever sting. Today was one of those days that just gets ya. Just hits right to the core, in a way that only other infertiles can understand. If I could have done it over, I would have not gone to work today and just spent the whole day with my birthday boy, my son who turned three today. Soaked up his bright eyes and warmth and gotten drunk on his love. But instead I went to work and my spirit broke a little. And I hate that I allowed it to happen. The worst part is that it is the result of a dear friend’s happiness. What a bitter old soul I have become. What HAPPENED to me???

The story needs some background. I work in a small department of only three girls. My closest work friend and I have been working together for five years now. She’s the kind of friend who knows more about my marriage than my friends if you kwim. We share pretty much everything, we’re together eight hours a day! And she has a son who is the same age as L and they are the cutest little buddies. We begin our days telling funny toddler stories to eachother; what the “boys” did to make us laugh the night before. She recently came back to work from another maternity leave, having her second boy last year. He’s now just turned one. I am glad that she’s back, I’ve missed her. And interestingly, she endured three years of infertility before she had her first son. They never succeeded with IF treatment and ended up being OK with living “childfree”. Then they got pregnant naturally right out of the blue. Then they got pregnant again. So now they have two beautiful boys, blessed beyond belief and amazed at their new found fertility. So she “gets it” when I talk about my struggles with IF and never says those annoying things that people say like just relax and have you tried this position or that position.

And today she told me she’s pregnant … again. She only found out last night, we’ve been joking about it for a few weeks that they only *did* it once and wouldn’t that be a hoot if it actually made her pregnant again. I joked that I’d kill her. She joked that she’d deserve it.

So I congratulated her and we chatted about how shocked she is, how her husband is even more shocked, all sorts of things related.

I turned back to my computer and spontaneously tears began to flow and I couldn’t stop them. They were so out of my control, I couldn’t stop them. I tried. I tried so hard. I turned around and whispered, “M, can I cry now?” and she stood up and and I stood up and she hugged me and cried with me and said honey, I understand. I get it. I understand. I said I was sorry, I was so happy for her. What a miracle she has been given. But it hurt so bad I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Punched. Hard. Kicked actually. So I attempted to regain my composure in the bathroom and went back to my desk. Tried to work on my project. Tears just kept returning. Agh, it wouldn’t stop. I grabbed my keys and my purse and went out to my car, drove down the street, parked and cried the big ugly cry. I cried so hard and so loud. It actually felt GOOD to release all that pain. It felt GOOD to let it go.

Twenty minutes later I returned to work and was able to move past the shock and the sting and realize this was not about me. And those were the last tears I will shed for this pregnancy. I will sit by and watch her belly grow, listen to her talk about how tired she is and how much she has to do before “the baby comes”. I will make sure she eats her lunch and get her milk like I did last time. I will celebrate this baby like I did her last two.

And I will know that my turn is coming.

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Hopeful Enough Already?

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sassy McSasserson  |  February 27, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    Oh I am so sorry Jen! That had to have been so hard. I’m glad that she is a good friend though and understands how you feel. I really hope your turn is coming too!

    Good luck with everything!

  • 2. canape  |  March 1, 2007 at 3:54 am

    Hugs. That is all I have. Congrats to your friend, and hugs to you. I know that you are happy for her, but you need your own support too right now.

    Hugs.

  • 3. Anonymous  |  March 1, 2007 at 4:03 am

    You write well with such feeling; this made me cry. You are right, your turn will come. And you will hold that little tiny bundle in your arms before you know it. And then one day you will be sending that litte yet-to-be conceived child to school. and then to college. And before you know it, you’ll be the Mom at the wedding. It goes so fast. And yet, when we are waiting, each day, each cycle, just creeps along. I am praying with all my heart for you; but I already have a good feeling. You have a focus and plan now with your RE. This WILL happen for you. take a deep breath and focus again your YOUR goal. You WILL have your turn soon!!

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