11 DPO

February 12, 2007 at 4:19 am 2 comments

Today I’m 11 DPO and I’m having a few pretty regular PMS symptoms like sore bb’s and light cramping/pressure. No lower back pain yet (xxxxx) or spotting but didn’t have spotting last cycle at all so not surprised. My temps are strangely flat, last five days at 98.2 degrees. I took a test yesterday morning and it was BFN. Now I’m too scared to take another one because a negative could *really* mean negative at this point in the game. I’m already feeling sad and defeated though, I guess I’m mentally preparing myself for another failed cycle. Plus A and I have been fighting all weekend and I’m just miserable about that. Our se.x life has gone to shit since we’ve been ttc and now being at almost a year of this, we are at a breaking point it seems. Yeah, we have a lot of se.x, but A feels like a sperm donor and says its just not the same as it used to be, and I only want him when I’m ovulating. That is true, I can’t even deny it. I haven’t had a libido since I was pregnant with L (he was born 3 years ago so you can imagine how long its been) and the antidepressants I’m on for my anxiety make it pretty much impossible to want *it*. But I know my wifely duties include being available for my husband, I know that. But A is lacking big time in making me feel desirable and I’ve tried to explain that our relationship is in dire need of a reboot altogether with everything that’s been going on this last year. BOTH of us need to make the effort to be kinder to eachother, and not just when he wants se.x! But he’s “done” making an effort and just acts defeated before he’s even made an attempt. I don’t know. It’s so complicated. I guess just everything right now is feeling pretty overwhelming. My job is sucking right now. My marriage is sucking. My uterus is sucking. The one shining light in my life, L, is just my everything. That child makes my whole life worth living, I tell ya. He’s so amazingly wonderful and funny, every second I spend with him makes me thank God for my blessings. At the same time I am begging him for the miracle of another child though. Agh. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

Have a great week, everyone!

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Beagle  |  February 12, 2007 at 4:31 am

    I’m sorry that so much is sucking . . . it’s a hard road and while I think it has made my marriage stronger, I wouldn’t say that in a happy way. There have been many times along the way when it felt like the kind of “if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger” type of strength and it was a fine line there for a while.

    All you can do is keep trying the best way you know how.

    I also dragged my hubby to a counselor who deals in infertility issues (well he came willingly really), that helped A LOT.

  • 2. tafkalorelei  |  February 12, 2007 at 11:33 pm

    Hey Jen, it’s Lori from preeclampsia.proboards67 I do read your blog every few days or so. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I hope you get that BFP very soon girl. (((hugs)))

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