On this World of Blogs

February 6, 2007 at 9:31 pm 1 comment

I have read a good number of blogs over the past year. It’s my favorite late night thing to do; my way to connect with others struggling with IF like I am. There are so many women out there with stories to tell, engaging, funny, heartbreaking, awe-inspiring stories. I read them and find a bit of laugher, or hope, or sadness or love. I always take something away with me when I read these heartfelt writings. I often laugh and I often cry. I think of these women and what they are going through, how they are struggling, how they are reaching through the grief to find hope, how they are surviving. It amazes me the strength of the human spirit. Every day that I am priviledged enough to look into their lives through their blog.

There is one particular woman who blogs in such a way that I feel sometimes as though I could reach out and touch her face and wipe her tears away. She’s that real to me. And she would know me. Because I know her. Then I come to my senses and realize we are perfect strangers and she is really only sharing a pocket of her life, a pocket of her person. And she wouldn’t know me if I passed her on the street. Especially possible since we live within the same area code. Then last month, after some passing events, she went password protected. And I lost her. I did not know how to find her or someone who knew her. I went for weeks without reading her blog and boy did I miss her! She doesn’t even know me as my blogger name, I barely commented when I was reading her blog, mostly because I was so awestruck by what I had read, I felt completely unqualified to offer my words of comfort, coming from a place of complete inexperience with these life events she was going through.

I remember when her beloved daughter was born still, I gave her my thoughts of sorrow and told her what a lovely name she had chosen for her daughter. I hadn’t been reading her blog long enough to know that it was a nickname she had for the baby that she intended to replace with a “proper” name once her daughter was born. I felt so silly after that, like I hoped I hadn’t offended her or maybe she thought I was being sarcastic which would have been worse. But then she decided to remember her daughter with that name after all, she even had it tattooed on her ankle. I felt better. I wished I had known though. Even though blog comments are somewhat disconnected to “real life”, I feel 100% responsible for making sure when I do comment, that what I am saying is in no way judgemental or hurtful to the blogger herself. So I am careful about what I decide to write and make sure I am always in keeping with this sacred rule.

But I thought about her often during those weeks she was gone, and wished there was some way I could connect to her. So I found her email address after some time. I emailed her, me, a complete stranger, “Um, hi – my name is Jen and I love your blog, can you let me in?” That sounded kind of weird I thought. She doesn’t know me, and damn I thought, I should have let her know I was there when it mattered. I should have spoken up out of my shyness and said, Hi! I’m here, I’m reading and I support you! But you know what? She let me in. She trusted that I would not hurt her, and she let me in. I feel so grateful for that. I will make sure she knows I’m here from now on. I will give back what I can because she gives to me in a way that I can’t explain. I am not nearly as brave as she is; I can’t really say here on my blog what tortures me from day to day. What thoughts consume my three am nightmares. I am far too cowardess to do that. But maybe one day I will. One day I will be as brave as her.

Anyways, this whole thing was just a reminder to me that I read so many of your blogs and you don’t know I’m here aside from the odd comment once in a while. And I am going to change that. I’m de-lurking. I’m coming out of the closet. So that you all know I care. I’m here, and I’m reading.

I hope some of my own readers do the same. And I know some of you do, but my sitemeter tells me *lots* of you don’t.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Weekend Musings 11 DPO

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Anonymous  |  February 7, 2007 at 12:54 pm

    I can relate to what you said here…

    “I felt completely unqualified to offer my words of comfort, coming from a place of complete inexperience with these life events she was going through.”

    At times I want to shout out and provide words of encouragement and support, but I don’t know that it would mean much coming from someone who hasn’t experienced what you’re presently going through.

    Anyway, I really really really hope that it happens for you this cycle. You’re in my thoughts!

    Alisha

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