Archive for February, 2007

Overcoming the Sting

Not because I woke up like that either. Man, does this IF stuff ever sting. Today was one of those days that just gets ya. Just hits right to the core, in a way that only other infertiles can understand. If I could have done it over, I would have not gone to work today and just spent the whole day with my birthday boy, my son who turned three today. Soaked up his bright eyes and warmth and gotten drunk on his love. But instead I went to work and my spirit broke a little. And I hate that I allowed it to happen. The worst part is that it is the result of a dear friend’s happiness. What a bitter old soul I have become. What HAPPENED to me???

The story needs some background. I work in a small department of only three girls. My closest work friend and I have been working together for five years now. She’s the kind of friend who knows more about my marriage than my friends if you kwim. We share pretty much everything, we’re together eight hours a day! And she has a son who is the same age as L and they are the cutest little buddies. We begin our days telling funny toddler stories to eachother; what the “boys” did to make us laugh the night before. She recently came back to work from another maternity leave, having her second boy last year. He’s now just turned one. I am glad that she’s back, I’ve missed her. And interestingly, she endured three years of infertility before she had her first son. They never succeeded with IF treatment and ended up being OK with living “childfree”. Then they got pregnant naturally right out of the blue. Then they got pregnant again. So now they have two beautiful boys, blessed beyond belief and amazed at their new found fertility. So she “gets it” when I talk about my struggles with IF and never says those annoying things that people say like just relax and have you tried this position or that position.

And today she told me she’s pregnant … again. She only found out last night, we’ve been joking about it for a few weeks that they only *did* it once and wouldn’t that be a hoot if it actually made her pregnant again. I joked that I’d kill her. She joked that she’d deserve it.

So I congratulated her and we chatted about how shocked she is, how her husband is even more shocked, all sorts of things related.

I turned back to my computer and spontaneously tears began to flow and I couldn’t stop them. They were so out of my control, I couldn’t stop them. I tried. I tried so hard. I turned around and whispered, “M, can I cry now?” and she stood up and and I stood up and she hugged me and cried with me and said honey, I understand. I get it. I understand. I said I was sorry, I was so happy for her. What a miracle she has been given. But it hurt so bad I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Punched. Hard. Kicked actually. So I attempted to regain my composure in the bathroom and went back to my desk. Tried to work on my project. Tears just kept returning. Agh, it wouldn’t stop. I grabbed my keys and my purse and went out to my car, drove down the street, parked and cried the big ugly cry. I cried so hard and so loud. It actually felt GOOD to release all that pain. It felt GOOD to let it go.

Twenty minutes later I returned to work and was able to move past the shock and the sting and realize this was not about me. And those were the last tears I will shed for this pregnancy. I will sit by and watch her belly grow, listen to her talk about how tired she is and how much she has to do before “the baby comes”. I will make sure she eats her lunch and get her milk like I did last time. I will celebrate this baby like I did her last two.

And I will know that my turn is coming.

February 27, 2007 at 4:22 am 3 comments

Hopeful

Today was a major milestone in our TTC journey. Our first appt with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I took my husband with me so he could be involved in this process and maybe open his eyes a little bit to the complexities of infertility and what it is going to take to overcome this roadblock in creating our family. And for moral support. So I was incredibly nervous when we arrived. Then I had my “favorite” three things done – my weight, my blood pressure and my picture taken. Great, I thought. If this is a sign of things to come, maybe we should leave. Now. Quick. Let’s go. No, A said. Jen sit down. Calm down. This is all going to be fine. I’m so nervous around doctors since my pregnancy, fearing bad news all the time. Fearing test results. Fearing exams. So A held my hand and we waited in the doctor’s fancy top floor office. Sat in his fancy chairs. I looked around and saw his many diplomas and certificates. Intimidating. But felt I was in good hands too. Since our visit, I have decided to name him Dr. Your Choice…for now. So basically he said I’ve had all the testing as far as HSG, bloodwork, u/s, etc. that he would order for a diagnosis and we are officially “Unexplained Infertility”. My big theory about having low progesterone… nope. He didn’t think so. He thought my 7dpo progerstone b/w looked fine. He’s the pro, so I’ll believe him.

To sum it up, he said it’s really up to us to decide how to move forward. We could do more clomid with natural conception, more clomid with IUI, injectibles with IUI or IVF. He thought we were too young to go that aggressive quite yet (IVF). But again, he said, depending on your urgency level and financial capabilities – it’s your choice. He said if I decided to go with another round of clomid (which he felt was the best first step), he’d give me a higher dose than I was on the last three cycles because I ovulate on my own and feels like I need a higher dose to create more follicles. I would have regular monitoring throughout my cycle to see how my lining was responding, how many eggs were growing, how big they were, all that fun stuff that will tell him how I am responding to the clomid and then we’d make further decisions based on what we have learned from the cycle of clomid. And we *could* do IUI for that cycle if I wished, we don’t have to make that decision quite yet. So basically he said we can have another appt to discuss things in more depth if we wanted, or I could simply call him the first day of my next cycle and we can set up the day 3 ultrasound and medications at that time. We have some b/w to complete before my next cycle starts… and that’s about four weeks away so no rush.I left there feeling like a huge weight has been lifted. This wasn’t all my burden anymore. I had handed it over to a doctor who knew the direction and how we would get there. So I’m feeling positive. I’m feeling hopeful. I’m in a good place today.

Thanks you guys for being here, if you’ve made it this far. Your support means so much.

February 21, 2007 at 10:15 pm 2 comments

Appts & 3 Years

I had an ultrasound today to find out if the pain I went through Friday/Saturday was due to a cyst or what. Of course the ultrasound tech wasn’t going to tell me anything so I’ll have to wait for the doctor’s report.

In other appt news, I have my initial RE consult on Wednesday morning. I faxed them over all my test results/records/bbt charts today. It’s funny one of the things I’m most looking forward to is giving my RE a funny blog name like the rest of you brilliant IF bloggers! I hope I will be able to call him Dr.Wonderful or Dr.Super Nice. Or Dr. Made Me Pregnant Right Away. I don’t want to come back home and have to blog about him being Dr. Doomsday or Dr. No Hope. A is coming with me. Or actually he’s meeting me there. OK, I have to stop writing about this now, I’m feeling a bit sick to my stomach. Agh, the nerves!

My son L turns three years old this weekend. I can’t believe its been three whole years since I gave birth to him. Wow. I like to compare becoming a mom to putting on your first pair of prescription glasses. Like you didn’t know how blurry your sight was before, but once you put those glasses on – the whole world came into focus! That is my experience with motherhood. Amazing. Clear. Brilliant.

February 20, 2007 at 4:44 am 1 comment

So it’s Official

I awoke this morning to a visitor in my bed that was uninvited and UNWANTED. Yuck. I’ve never hated that witch so much in all my life. But she came anyway and ruined my day nicely. My week. My month. And really my year because this month wraps up one full year of trying to conceive a child.

My RE appointment is next Wednesday. I’m not sure how ready I am for IF treatments like IUI and injectables. Definitely not ready for IVF. We’ve got some decisions to make I’m sure after that appointment.

So off we go… I’m officially infertile.

😦

February 15, 2007 at 5:36 pm 3 comments

Results

I got my Day 21 (aka 7 dpo) progesterone blood test results back yesterday. Doctors like to see a value over “10” on a natural cycle because to sustain the beginning developments of a pregnancy you need at least that level, and they want to see over “15” on a medicated cycle (like clomid, so that’s where I should be).

My result was 9.65

So good and bad. Good because maybe that’s my problem and its easily fixable with some progesterone suppositories. Bad because why haven’t they figured this out sooner, why didn’t I ask for this sooner, why is clomid not working for me? And I’m probably not pregnant this month. And if I am, I am at increased risk for miscarrying due to the low level of progesterone. So last night I was ready to move on with this cycle, and took my temperature so I could see it was back down to my usual temp and I could accept that I’m not pregnant. But then I took it, and my temp was 99.2 which is way high for me. I never see readings over 98.5 in the evening. Especially not the day before my period is due. So God wanted me to keep hoping I guess. He wants me to continue to be tortured by this cycle.

I’m not quite sure if I am 13 or 14 dpo today. My charts say 13, but based on my OPK and temps I have a feeling I’m 14 which means AF should arrive today. I’m going to the washroom every half hour to “check” if you KWIM. I don’t feel the lower back ache yet which is strange. Just sore bb’s, really thirsty, irritable (wow, really irritable), hungry, tired and generally PMS’y.

Probably by tomorrow I will be able to either wallow again or shout from the rooftops.

Thanks everyone for reading. I’m getting some nice comments from readers I don’t hear from much, so thank you. It’s so nice to know I’ve got support out there, really. It means a lot.

February 13, 2007 at 5:52 pm Leave a comment

11 DPO

Today I’m 11 DPO and I’m having a few pretty regular PMS symptoms like sore bb’s and light cramping/pressure. No lower back pain yet (xxxxx) or spotting but didn’t have spotting last cycle at all so not surprised. My temps are strangely flat, last five days at 98.2 degrees. I took a test yesterday morning and it was BFN. Now I’m too scared to take another one because a negative could *really* mean negative at this point in the game. I’m already feeling sad and defeated though, I guess I’m mentally preparing myself for another failed cycle. Plus A and I have been fighting all weekend and I’m just miserable about that. Our se.x life has gone to shit since we’ve been ttc and now being at almost a year of this, we are at a breaking point it seems. Yeah, we have a lot of se.x, but A feels like a sperm donor and says its just not the same as it used to be, and I only want him when I’m ovulating. That is true, I can’t even deny it. I haven’t had a libido since I was pregnant with L (he was born 3 years ago so you can imagine how long its been) and the antidepressants I’m on for my anxiety make it pretty much impossible to want *it*. But I know my wifely duties include being available for my husband, I know that. But A is lacking big time in making me feel desirable and I’ve tried to explain that our relationship is in dire need of a reboot altogether with everything that’s been going on this last year. BOTH of us need to make the effort to be kinder to eachother, and not just when he wants se.x! But he’s “done” making an effort and just acts defeated before he’s even made an attempt. I don’t know. It’s so complicated. I guess just everything right now is feeling pretty overwhelming. My job is sucking right now. My marriage is sucking. My uterus is sucking. The one shining light in my life, L, is just my everything. That child makes my whole life worth living, I tell ya. He’s so amazingly wonderful and funny, every second I spend with him makes me thank God for my blessings. At the same time I am begging him for the miracle of another child though. Agh. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

Have a great week, everyone!

February 12, 2007 at 4:19 am 2 comments

On this World of Blogs

I have read a good number of blogs over the past year. It’s my favorite late night thing to do; my way to connect with others struggling with IF like I am. There are so many women out there with stories to tell, engaging, funny, heartbreaking, awe-inspiring stories. I read them and find a bit of laugher, or hope, or sadness or love. I always take something away with me when I read these heartfelt writings. I often laugh and I often cry. I think of these women and what they are going through, how they are struggling, how they are reaching through the grief to find hope, how they are surviving. It amazes me the strength of the human spirit. Every day that I am priviledged enough to look into their lives through their blog.

There is one particular woman who blogs in such a way that I feel sometimes as though I could reach out and touch her face and wipe her tears away. She’s that real to me. And she would know me. Because I know her. Then I come to my senses and realize we are perfect strangers and she is really only sharing a pocket of her life, a pocket of her person. And she wouldn’t know me if I passed her on the street. Especially possible since we live within the same area code. Then last month, after some passing events, she went password protected. And I lost her. I did not know how to find her or someone who knew her. I went for weeks without reading her blog and boy did I miss her! She doesn’t even know me as my blogger name, I barely commented when I was reading her blog, mostly because I was so awestruck by what I had read, I felt completely unqualified to offer my words of comfort, coming from a place of complete inexperience with these life events she was going through.

I remember when her beloved daughter was born still, I gave her my thoughts of sorrow and told her what a lovely name she had chosen for her daughter. I hadn’t been reading her blog long enough to know that it was a nickname she had for the baby that she intended to replace with a “proper” name once her daughter was born. I felt so silly after that, like I hoped I hadn’t offended her or maybe she thought I was being sarcastic which would have been worse. But then she decided to remember her daughter with that name after all, she even had it tattooed on her ankle. I felt better. I wished I had known though. Even though blog comments are somewhat disconnected to “real life”, I feel 100% responsible for making sure when I do comment, that what I am saying is in no way judgemental or hurtful to the blogger herself. So I am careful about what I decide to write and make sure I am always in keeping with this sacred rule.

But I thought about her often during those weeks she was gone, and wished there was some way I could connect to her. So I found her email address after some time. I emailed her, me, a complete stranger, “Um, hi – my name is Jen and I love your blog, can you let me in?” That sounded kind of weird I thought. She doesn’t know me, and damn I thought, I should have let her know I was there when it mattered. I should have spoken up out of my shyness and said, Hi! I’m here, I’m reading and I support you! But you know what? She let me in. She trusted that I would not hurt her, and she let me in. I feel so grateful for that. I will make sure she knows I’m here from now on. I will give back what I can because she gives to me in a way that I can’t explain. I am not nearly as brave as she is; I can’t really say here on my blog what tortures me from day to day. What thoughts consume my three am nightmares. I am far too cowardess to do that. But maybe one day I will. One day I will be as brave as her.

Anyways, this whole thing was just a reminder to me that I read so many of your blogs and you don’t know I’m here aside from the odd comment once in a while. And I am going to change that. I’m de-lurking. I’m coming out of the closet. So that you all know I care. I’m here, and I’m reading.

I hope some of my own readers do the same. And I know some of you do, but my sitemeter tells me *lots* of you don’t.

February 6, 2007 at 9:31 pm 1 comment

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