Archive for December, 2006

2ww Begins Again

I believe I ovulated either last night or this morning because I felt pains in my left side last night for a few very long minutes and today my CM dried up completely. We covered our bases regardless but what a weird cycle, with four days of positive OPK’s. ??? Anyone out there know what the heck that means? Never had more than one day of + before. I’m hoping it means more eggs being released and more chances to sperminate. God knows if my calculations are correct, over the past five days we’ve deposited 11 billion and 745 million sperm and ONE has to damn well make it to the finish line. Just one is all I’m asking for. I’ve had such a hellish month of physically feeling like crap, I really feel extra deserving this month. From the nausea, the headaches and the dizziness, to the ovulation cramping/pain for the last thirteen days, I am so ready for the 2ww to begin. I love the progesterone-induced haze that comes over me during the 2ww. I get tired, sleep like a baby; I fall asleep without having to count sheep for hours, I fall asleep as I melt into the pillowcase dreaming of babyland. I am also able to eat and enjoy food, “hungry all the time” isn’t exactly great for the waistline but the rest of my cycle food just makes my stomach turn, well on clomid it does anyhow. I swear all I’ve been able to eat for the past three weeks is steamed rice and the odd mandarine orange. I’m ready for a meal again.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas! I’m going to prepare a post about saying goodbye to 2006 and hello to 2007, hopefully get it up on New Year’s Day. So Happy New Year’s everyone; we’re going to an 80’s Inspired New Year’s Party which should be a blast. Some stirup pants and hairsprayed bangs, some Tiffany on the stereo… should be fun!

December 31, 2006 at 5:56 am Leave a comment

A Wonderful Christmas…

Hope you all had a good one too!

December 27, 2006 at 3:17 am Leave a comment

No Title, Just a Post about Crappy Feelings

Now don’t get me wrong. I love husband’s cousin and his girlfriend. I really think they are a great couple (who ought to get married may I say). But hearing yesterday they are “expecting” ruined my whole freaking day. I am now undeniably one of them, the women who can’t handle hearing about family or friend’s pregnancies without wanting to scream and throw a hissy fit and then break down in tears because life feels SO UNFAIR. Then I feel bad because I’ve got L. and who am I to feel like this with a son who makes my days full of joy? I just want so badly to have another baby and it feels like everyone around me is pregnant or has a newborn and my son will be four by the time his brother or sister comes along – and that’s only if we get pregnant within a few months. I’ve never wanted anything so badly in my whole life and when other people announce they have what I so desperately want, the news devastates me. So husband called me yesterday at the office as I’m on the way out to lunch, I pick up the phone in the mail room to answer the page and he says, Great news, hun. Brad and Lisa are pregnant. Isn’t that cool? Uh. Yeah. That’s Great. ——— Big Silence ——– BREAKS OUT IN TEARS and CAN HARDLY SPEAK. Standing in my office mail room bubbling like an idiot. This is so not like me at all. OK, well I’m pretty sure the clomid is partially responsible for my uncontrollable emotions, but it freakin sucks to have other people’s good news make me feel like shit.

December 21, 2006 at 7:41 pm 2 comments

Eggie, Eggie, Eggie???

I got a half way dark OPK yesterday and lots of EWCM, not to mention some brutal ovarian cramping since last night so I think my body is gearing up to pop the egg! I’m on day 13 of my cycle so I hope it happens soon. I ovulated on day 21 last cycle (my earliest ever) and this is my second clomid cycle so I hope it moves up even more! I am so not concentrating on TTC this cycle too, with the holidays all around us – I’m so much more relaxed and distracted, it’s awesome. I wish it could be like this every month. Plus having these shorter cycles are great – way less time waiting for the darn end.

The one thing I’m worried about is that we are planning to go to my parent’s cabin on the lake on the 27th. Keep in mind lots of family members in one little house and lots of snow outside. If I don’t ovulate before we go, we are going to be stuck home waiting to BD…not fun. We want to play in the snow! Come on little eggy, come out, come out wherever you are!

December 19, 2006 at 6:06 pm Leave a comment

Ouch

So how awful can you possibly feel when you trip and fall holding your friend’s baby? REALLY REALLY AWFUL. I just experienced it, and the what-if’s about what could’ve happened are running through my head, but thank god he’s OK.

I picked him up (he’s 7 weeks old) out of his car seat, sleeping soundly in my arms, turned around and walked down the hallway and proceeded to trip and fall over the diaper bag. I managed to twist my body around fast enough to fall backwards so as to keep the baby from hitting the ground in front of me where he would have been quickly squashed, held him up in the air as I crumbled backwards to the ground, hitting my head on the wall and my back on the floor. Ouch. Poor little thing barely woke up, THANK GOD. I, on the other hand, feel like I’ve been in a car accident with a screwed up back and shoulder, lump on my head and what feels like a broken knee. OK, so I’m not the most graceful faller but I did react quickly enough to keep the baby from getting hurt and that’s all that matters at the end of the day right? I felt soooooo bad, considering mommy wasn’t even at our house – daddy had brought baby over on his first time out of the house without mommy. Mommy’s friend manages to live up to her clumsiness by tripping with her first born child.

Gosh, if baby was hurt, I would have never forgiven myself. Moments like that can be life changing, agh, I just can’t stop thinking what could’ve happened. How could I have done that anyways?

December 13, 2006 at 5:14 am 3 comments

Miracles

I love Christmas time. And nothing takes my breath like listening to my two year old son sing Away In A Manger to himself as he falls asleep in his bed. Hearing him sing the words “Baby Jesus” melts my heart. Not to mention his excitement for Santa Claus. We feel like kids all over again. It’s a wonderful season. All of this holiday business is a nice distraction from the conceiving front, that’s for sure. Starting this new cycle, my second cycle on clomid – first pill tonight actually – feels like a fresh start in a way. I hate the end of a cycle when AF arrives, but then the new cycle begins and it feels good to start afresh with another batch of hope in my pocket. Just maybe this will be the month. And if not this month, then maybe the month after.

On Thursday, my period came while I was at work, so I sent a text message to my husband to confirm what I told him that morning – it was over. I was not pregnant.
He replied, “I’m sorry honey, I love you.”
I replied back, “No, I’m sorry. I wish I could give you this baby we want so much. What’s wrong with me?”
He replied, “Luckiest in world. We have Luka. Don’t be sorry.”

He is right. We have been blessed with the most incredible son. A perfect son who lights up our lives every moment of every day. Words can not express our love for this child. So many couples out there don’t have that one child yet, and here we are asking for ANOTHER miracle? Feels like a lot to ask for. But I so desperately want Luka to have a brother or sister. I want him to have a sibling, and I want to complete our family. I pray that is not too much to ask for. But… if it is, and we are not given that second miracle, I will know deep in my heart that we have been blessed with all we need and our lives will be fulfilled.

December 10, 2006 at 5:19 am Leave a comment

Big Fat Negative

AF arrived in full force this morning, right on schedule. As usual. Just like every other month. I’m so deflated. This has definitely been the hardest BFN of all. On to another month, another chance, and more hope.

If we have a baby girl one day, her name will be Hope.

I’ve decided.

December 7, 2006 at 11:19 pm Leave a comment

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