Going Back is Scary

October 1, 2006 at 4:33 am 2 comments

I haven’t been back to that hospital since L. was born. About a year ago, my OB/GYN had me scheduled for a kidney ultrasound to check for underlying disorders during my pre-conception consult, for my PIH risks. The day of the ultrasound I got to the hospital, parked, and sat in my car shaking for as long as it took me to figure out I could not re-enter that hospital alone. I had no idea I would have such a physical reaction to going back. I cried and memories flooded me of those weeks in that room, alone and scared. I cried for my doctor who committed suicide shortly after L. was born. Even though he was just my doctor, I felt a kinship to him, a connection I was so thankful for, he saved my life, he saved L.’s life. Just the thought of going back in scared the wits right out of me. I didn’t go in. I went home and cried. How am I ever going to have another baby if I can’t follow through with such a simple task? I’ve come a long way since then. Therapy has helped a lot. I am calmer now, more at peace with my experience and how it changed me. I can do this now.

Monday morning I have to return again to that hospital for the dreaded HSG procedure. I told A. I didn’t need him to come with me, but I am beginning to wonder if that was niave of me. I am going to see if he can figure out a way to come with me, I can’t chicken out on this – it has to be done. I can do this. Gosh, women all over the world conquer much scarier things, and some aren’t nearly as lucky as I have been.

So here I go. Facing that place that saved my life and my baby’s life. Thinking about it that way makes me feel much better.


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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. theoneliner  |  October 1, 2006 at 8:30 pm

    Wow…you have a lot more anxiety to deal with (b/c of the Dr and your son being born there…) than i do.
    i have mine tomorrow too and i’m not looking forward to it, either.
    you know if they served gingerbread lattes during the procedure…i’d be happier about going.
    yikes! good luck. i am just trying to focus on the fact that it has to be done AND that it does make some people more fertile.
    lets pray that it makes US more fertile, eh?

  • 2. JLB  |  October 1, 2006 at 11:54 pm

    yeah, a gingerbread latte would go a long way to getting me in those doors 😉 although have you tried the pumpkin spice latte they have out right now? it’s fantastic, almost like the gingerbread, yummy!
    i am freaking OUT right now, i know i won’t sleep tonight and i’ll be a useless git tomorrow at work until i leave for this. i’ll let you know how mine goes, good luck with yours too! and we’ll be havin’ babies in JULY maybe…

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