Archive for September, 2006

100 Things About Me

1 I have wild crazy dreams, nightly, and remember them all.
2 I was the first in my grade to wear a bra.
3 I’ve always wanted to travel to Eg.ypt.
4 I lost my wedding and engagement rings in my first year of marriage.
5 I’ve been boy crazy since seven years old.
6 I am not “from” anywere (I moved around a lot as a kid).
7 The majority of people annoy me for some reason.
8 I love yorkshire pudding.
9 I am a graphic designer.
10 I love my job.
11 But I wish more that I was a stay at home mom.
12 I don’t have a temper. I am the calmest person I know.
13 I’ve had a best friend for twelve years, a friendship I am very proud of.
14 I wish I was more like her.
15 I’m a REALLY picky eater.
16 I don’t eat sandwiches.
17 I hate seafood.
18 The smell of seafood makes me want to vomit.
19 I am very sensitive to smells.
20 My husband thinks I should be a Professional Smeller.
21 At 28, I feel pretty wise already.
22 I expect at 38 I will feel like I didn’t know anything at 28.
23 I have a gigantic purse.
24 I’m very sarcastic.
25 I grew up thinking I would be a teacher.
26 My favorite author is Maeve Binchy.
27 I’m part Native. Part German. Part Irish.
28 My birthday is the same day as Mich.ael Jac.kson.
29 I used to think that was really cool.
30 I’m a great speller.
31 I never drink alcohol.
32 I don’t drink coffee either.
33 I’m an avid scrapbooker.
34 I have anxiety.
35 I can’t ever sleep in no matter how hard I try.
36 I wear black a lot.
37 I stopped wearing makeup to work after I had my son.
38 I wonder if that means I’m letting myself go.
39 My favorite drink is the Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks at Christmas time.
40 My parents are the greatest people on Earth. I feel eternally lucky for that.
41 I’m afraid of when either of them die, I will have a nervous breakdown.
42 My brother is in medical school. I look forward to asking him questions about my health.
43 Fall is my favorite season.
44 I pride myself on doing the right thing.
45 I believe family is the foundation of happiness.
46 I have Hayfever in the springtime.
47 I make a mean cinnamon bun, from scratch.
48 I broke my leg skiing when I was ten years old.
49 I believe in God but not within a certain religious framework.
50 I only started believing in God since I had my son.
51 I have a major fear of public speaking.
52 I’ve never been to Disneyland.
53 I have never collected anything of any sort.
54 If I could afford it physically and financially, I’d have a dozen children of my own.
55 I was bit by a giant poodle when I was 10 and have been afraid of dogs ever since.
56 I am a Reality Show junkie.
57 I always used to peak at my presents under the Christmas tree before Christmas.
58 I am afraid of dying.
59 I am Pro-Choice.
60 I think tattoos on men are se.xy.
61 My husband doesn’t have any but I believe one day I’ll convince him to get one.
62 I have a crazy sweet tooth.
63 I am obsessed with pregnancy and babies.
64 I check my email way too many times in a day.
65 I get migraines. I wonder if that’s God’s way of punishing me for something.
66 I’ve never been arrested.
67 I’m from a family of cops.
68 I used to play volleyball.
69 Camping is in my soul.
70 I wish we could go camping more often.
71 I look forward to camping with my own children.
72 I’ve had weight struggles all my life.
73 I will do everything I can do ensure my children don’t suffer the same.
74 I wear earplugs to bed every night. I can’t sleep without them.
75 I’ve never been in a physical altercation.
76 I feel sorry for Brit.ney Sp.ears.
77 I’ve got four times the amount of hair (follicles) most people have.
78 I’m a morning person.
79 The fact that my husband plays video games makes me a little less attracted to him.
80 I am afraid to make any more good friends because I don’t want to be a bridesmaid again.
81 I’m pretty sure people think I am a tad bit of a princess.
82 OK I am a princess.
83 In a bad, high maintenance sort of way.
84 When I think about how much I love my husband and son, I tear up. Never fails.
85 Right now I’m tearing up.
86 I believe in past lives.
87 I believe my son is an old soul.
88 I appreciate kindness in people.
89 I clean my ears every day.
90 I secretly enjoy the music from the maritimes.
91 Loud people bug me.
92 I don’t think you can compare another person’s hurt with your own.
93 I have an impecable memory.
94 No one very close to me has ever passed away.
95 I’m scared for when that day comes.
96 I don’t enjoy new things.
97 I don’t like that about myself.
98 My son is the driving force in my life.
99 I didn’t know what love was until I fell in love with my son.
100 Making this list of 100 things makes me feel quite exposed.

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September 29, 2006 at 11:53 pm 2 comments

Heartbroken by Proxy

A really close friend of mine had her first IVF cycle and it was not successful, I found out today. I am so sad for her, I know how long this was in the making – all the financial and emotional investment, she even had hyperstimulation of her ovaries and spent three days in the hospital before the transfer, I was actually surprised the doctors went ahead with the IVF after all that. They are going to try again with the frozen embryos but she’s having a difficult time coming to terms with the loss of this cycle. I am so sad for her today. I’ve offered her my support and let her know how sorry I am but beyond that, I’m not sure what else to say or do. She lives on the other side of the country so I can’t even give her a hug. Do any of you fellow bloggers know what I might do to help lighten her spirit?

September 29, 2006 at 2:18 am 1 comment

Mid-Week Blues

I hate Wednesdays. They are truly the suckiest day of the week. Too far from the weekend to be excited, and too far into the week to start afresh. Hump Day. Yeah. Right. I enjoy my job quite a lot, I have tons of flexibility and I’m close to home. I am a graphic designer so I get to feed my creative juices every single day. I’m lucky to be where I am.

But I’ve had a headache for five days now and its starting to get old. I really can’t imagine life without them, how strange would it be to go about life day to day to day without a headache? It gets to a point when I really can’t stand myself when this goes on for as many days as this one, I get so cranky and snappy, my poor husband.
I just sometimes feel like so much is expected of me all day and all night and there just isn’t time to feel like crap and take a lay on the couch for a few hours. I really can’t imagine how single moms do it all. I have a helpful husband and only one little guy, and I am overwhelmed sometimes by all my responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong though, I am the luckiest person in the world to be blessed with this child of mine, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. But I might ask for some financial freedom to give me more time with him. I am so fortunate though that my mom takes care of Luka while I go to work each day. She loves him up like he’s her own and it makes it that much easier to leave him each day when I know he’s with someone who loves him so much.
Driving on the way home from playschool yesterday, Luka says,
“Grandma, where’s Mama now?”
“Mama’s at work, sweetheart.”
“Can Mama come home now Grandma?”
“No, Luka, but she’ll be here right after work.”
“Grandma, how about you go to work and Mama come home?”
Oh dear, my ache in my heart just twisted a little deeper.

September 28, 2006 at 1:46 am Leave a comment

I’d Rather Be Mama Than Beautiful Any Day.

Mama putting on mascara, getting ready to go out…

Luka looks at Mama with interest and says ever so sweetly, nose to nose, Mama, are you going to be beau-ti-ful?” and twists his head sideways with pause.

“Well I hope so Luka, what do you think?”

“Nope. You’re Not.”

“Oh. What am I then?”

“You’re just… Mama.”

September 26, 2006 at 4:12 am 1 comment

Are you there God? It’s Me, Jennifer.

I can’t help but wonder if not getting pregnant is God’s way of telling me I should not have a second child. I wonder if He is saying to me, “I gave you one miracle, you almost died. Now be happy with what you have and stop tempting fate.” But I can’t. I can’t stop wanting more. If money were no object and my body was agreeable, I would have a football team. I love being a mom more than words can express. From the time I was a small child, all I ever did was play with dolls, rock them and give them bottles. I wanted a baby as soon as I figured out menstruating meant I could now get pregnant. Of course being 12 years old, my own mom convinced me to wait a few years. At nineteen, I found the man of my dreams (literally and figuratively) and wanted to have a family as soon as he gave me the word. I remember the happiest moment of my life until that day – at twenty five years old — when his birthday card to me had a pair baby socks taped to the inside and it said, “I’m Ready. Let’s have a baby, Sweetheart.” So off we went and before I knew it, I was pregnant. It was like a storybook, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage. Then I got sick and the rest became a nightmare but still, I would do it all over a thousand times to be Luka’s mama.

I’m just so scared. It took me a year of therapy and medication to get to the point of trying to conceive again without having a panic attack with the thought of it. I thought I had all my ducks in a row, gotten myself fully prepared both mentally and physically… now seven months later I am still ready but questioning, Are we doing the right thing?, Does not getting pregnant mean more than just we haven’t caught the right egg or is God really trying to tell me something? I wish I knew. If ever I needed a crystal ball, it is now. To see ahead and know that we are doing the right thing and not creating a nightmare that will leave far more lasting problems than panic attacks. Like a premature baby that a) doesn’t survive, or b) has lasting developmental problems that I will forever feel responsible for, or c) Luka without a mom. I know that’s worst case, but I’ve seen worst case far too often with preeclampsia.

September 25, 2006 at 9:09 pm Leave a comment

Right On Schedule

AF arrived today. Guess I’ll be getting that HSG after all.

September 25, 2006 at 3:14 am 1 comment

Can’t You Just Listen and Say Ah, That Sucks?

If I had a penny for every time a friend or family member told me to relax and it will happen or stop worrying about it and it will happen, I could buy myself a Venti Vanilla Latte from Starbucks by now. I am not someone to give unwanted advice myself so I really don’t get it when people who a) don’t have children, and b) don’t even WANT children, and c) know NOTHING about fertility… decide to tell me what I need to do to get pregnant. What I am doing wrong in the process. I am definitely trying too hard. Oh, that’s right – if I was a fifteen year old drug addicted prostitute I would easily get knocked up — but because I’m a happily married mother of one with a wonderful husband who loves being a father and we live in a nice neighbourhood and can provide a nice life for children and we are both from healthy functional families… we are far too balanced to get pregnant because… we try too hard.

Please. Just say ah, that really sucks. Maybe next month huh. And leave it at THAT.

September 23, 2006 at 2:24 am 1 comment

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