it’s been too long, i know

I have so many unfinished posts in my Drafts folder. I can’t seem to finish one, ever. My life has come full circle finally, I’m getting (almost) a full night’s sleep and Spencer is over his colic/reflux so there is finally some peace in the house again. I finally feel human. I’d say that took a good year.  Wow, that is a long time.

It’s been 10 days since Spencer has started sleeping in his crib and his bedtime is now 7pm rather than 11:30pm like it was prior, so these evening hours to myself are a DREAM! He is learning to sleep independently and it hasn’t been painless but he has come a long way. One feeding during the night and he sleeps 13 hours.  It’s almost like he was begging for his own space he’s sleeping so well now!

My big boy turned 5 years old this week.  It’s interesting have a 5 year old and (almost) 5 month old.  The big age gap is good and bad.  Sweetlove is a big help, he loves to take care of his little brother and while he almost smothers him with love, he’s very gentle and patient.  I’m finding it difficult in ways I didn’t expect. Older kids have a lot more activities outside of the house and taking an infant out who is still sleeping most of the day and needs to be in his crib or he’s not a happy camper – is a struggle.  So for example, when Sweetlove has soccer practice smack in the middle of Spencer’s long nap, my husband takes him  and I don’t get to watch him play.  Evening games and practices are the same type of thing.  Sweetlove is a very active boy and needs all that energy channeled in a healthy way so we are nurturing his athletic side with all kinds of sports to see what he excels at, what he loves to play.  But I can’t sacrifice Spencer’s developing healthy sleep habits to run around after Sweetlove or stand in the rain at the soccer field with a fussy tired baby.  These thoughts are just sort of what’s been going on in my head lately. I am thoroughly enjoying motherhood to two boys, there are moments every day that make me well up with tears of joy – how blessed I am to have this life.

All I ever dreamed of… and more

I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks. Typing one handed is very slow and tedious and the sound of the clicking keyboard wakes up the little one… hence the long absence. The birth story will be a separate post because I want it all detailed for Spencer’s baby book so I’m taking my time with it.  I find it to be kind of an emotional thing to write actually. All in all, it was a positive experience and very healing in terms of getting past the residual feelings of Sweetlove’s birth story and all that came with it. One thing that I am sad about though is how differently I bonded with the two boys. With Sweetlove, it took me a while to fall in love with him, I’d say a good month before I felt that undescribable mother love for him. With Spencer, it was instantaneous. I laid eyes on him and immediately felt it. I can only explain the difference being because of all the anxiety and trauma from the pregnancy and how it affected me greatly enough to hinder that bonding right away. But before I had Spencer, I didn’t even know it was possible to feel that love so fast so now that I know it, it kind of makes me sad that I didn’t feel it with Sweetlove too, you know?

 

So 8 weeks this child has been in our lives, on the outside. I am very sure that you become a mother when you start nurturing him/her in your womb.  Choosing decaf, skipping the after dinner glass of wine, drinking extra water and taking all those vitamins. Loving him/her blindly by rubbing your tummy in the night when you can’t sleep because he/she is kicking your ribs like drums.  Whispering dreams for the future quietly to your belly. My pregnancy was fairly hellacious in terms of ailments, many of which I didn’t want to complain about publicly but trust me – poor A. heard plenty of it. In fact I didn’t even realize how much my body was suffering until the baby was out and I was mobile again. Walking without searing pain in my pelvis, straightening my left leg without wincing from the pain in my hip joints.  Breathing through my nose again! I was so congested in my head for the last two months my sinuses were completed inflamed.  Showering without feeling faint within minutes of standing.  Walking up and down stairs. And the little things. Lying flat on a bed. Putting on socks. Having my body back again has been a dream. It has made me appreciate all over again what it feels like to be an able bodied person!  I am grateful. Anyways, back to the babe. He’s been… challenging. To say the least. I SWORE I would never have a child sleep in my bed.  Well guess what? This baby doesn’t sleep anywhere but in my arms except during the daylight he will sometimes allow me to put him in the swing for a few minutes to take a shower. So he sleeps with me in bed and A. sleeps on the couch downstairs so he can get some quiet rest. This baby is so noisy – he sounds like a cross between a goat and a piglet.  He hates the carseat, and the car. He despises his crib. Hates being swaddled. He has gas and feeding is a struggle. He is a handful… but a perfect, healthy handful and I am loving every minute of it… ok, well there may be a few minutes here and there when I could use a small break from the isolation of babydom but I am truly enjoying it much more than I was able to with Sweetlove as  an infant.  Even with a four and a half year old who has decided to play mischief at every turn because the attention.isn’t.all.on.him. anymore and oh my goodness, the world doesn’t revolve solely around him but still mostly does!  A tough lesson for a four year old. When they are both crying, I just pop in my earplugs and tackle it. I do love watching them interact as brothers. Spencer just adores his big brother and Sweetlove got the FIRST real smile from him! It was precious. The toughest part of this time is getting out of the house with the two of them on my own.  Taking Sweetlove to preschool in the mornings while timing it so Spencer is fully fed right before we leave (or he screams bloody murder in the car) and doing it in a timely fashion? I’m still trying to master this.

 

I find myself gazing at Spencer’s beautiful face while he is sleeping, in complete awe of his being, remembering all we went through to get him here and feeling God and his presence so strongly. My mom has gone through four rounds of chemo and is on her last of six weeks of radiation now, and having Spencer around has made it just a little bit easier for her, given her another focus on those tough days when she is so beaten down by the whole thing. I am sure now that our journey to him came now for a reason and I am so humbled by the miracle that he is. We are a blessed family.

 

And now for some pictures…

10 days old…

Now 8 weeks old

Santa Baby… (not so happy!)

capturing his fleeting newborn-ness

 

 

 

 

sweet dreams

Spencer

Our son was born October 17, 2008 at 8:57 am, weighing 7lbs 8oz, 19.5″ long.

His name is Spencer

and he is truly a miracle.

Birth story to come when I have the time and headspace to get it written down, soon I hope.

We are so busy getting settled back home and living in three hour cycles.  Sweetlove is adorable with his baby brother and so far this experience has been everything I ever dreamed it woud be.

Every pain staking moment over the past three years to get to this point was far beyond worth it for this precious gift.  He is an absolute joy and has brought such happiness to our family in his short life so far.

I have fallen in love with my husband all over again, as he continues to amaze me with his love for us as I recover from the c-section and to stare into Spencers dark eyes for as long as I need. 

A new journey has begun. I can honestly say I have never been this happy in my whole life.

delivery is scheduled

Its been difficult to write posts lately because I can almost literally not sit up right long enough to type because my hips are so sore and my tummy is SO big. But I wanted to update with the c-section delivery date of this Friday morning, October 17th. My condition is stable but my doctor agrees with me that 37 weeks is a good compromise with baby being healthy and ready enough and avoiding things progressing further with my condition.

I am so ready for this to happen yet terrified at the same time. All I want is to be conscious for the delivery, avoiding another general anesthetic so I can be present for the birth of my baby and hear his first cries. 

I’ll update again after the baby is here!

hospital day

so today i had my NST, bloodwork, BP check and urine protein testing at the hospital. my mom took me since i’m really in no condition to drive anymore. and she’s two weeks into her last chemo treatment so its the weak leading the weak.  i’m so grateful for her right now.  her energy level is getting better each day but she tires easily and she won’t take no for an answer anymore when it comes to helping us out.  and it makes her happy to help i think so i am letting her but making sure she doesn’t over do it at the same time.

my BP was a scary 160/102 – my meds have been increased.  my urine was negative for protein.  my bloodwork was same as last time so kidley and liver function is still good. still anemic too though.  baby was very reactive on NST. so all in all – my BP is rising but everything else looks stable.

it blows me away how each day on bedrest i get weaker and weaker. just showering now is a feat! i have been having nightly baths to ease the pelvic and back pain but that doesn’t do much for my hair so this morning i had a proper shower and it was a lot. especially with the near constant BH contractions i’ve been getting! a few times I had to grab the side rails and just breathe through them. all these practice contractions and probably won’t even get to use the benefit of them!

another dr appt on friday. i’ll be 36 weeks on Saturday!

35w2d

there is really so much on my mind these days, and with being on bedrest of course i have all the time in the world to think. first, i’ll update on friday’s dr appt. BP is stable since i started taking the methyl.dopa. i’m still on a low dose and checking it regularly at home i am not concerned about it – its running 130/75 while on bedrest. my urine labs are coming back under the diagnostic level for preeclampsia so at this point its just PIH. I am relieved about that. But of course it can change at any moment so i’m on hyper alert for symptoms – headache, blurred visions, URQ pain, face swelling, baby kicks regularly. this is making me a bit crazy, when the baby sleeps i am sure he’s gone so i poke and prod until the poor guy wakes up and then i feel stupid and neurotic, and i go through this several times a day.  hospital monitoring again on tuesday.  i’m looking forward to it. each visit is another milestone reached.

my poor husband. he’s holding up the fort but i can tell he’s stressed and tired. he’s doing all the grocery shopping, meal making, house cleaning, laundry, taking Sweetlove back and forth to preschool and his grandparents’, taking care of me, and working a full time job. he doesn’t stop from the minute he wakes up until usually ten o’clock at night. i feel so badly, so much on his shoulders while i lay up here whining about my aches and pains. i’m so moody – crying one minute, laughing the next.  mostly feeling completely out of control of my emotions. and disconnected from Sweetlove. we are keeping him busy as we can during this but i can tell he doesn’t quite understand why mama can’t play. 

i’m happy it looks like we’ll make it to 36 weeks — 37 would be even better – but any further than that will make me feel like i’m playing with fire. especially if my BP continues to rise. the last thing i want is to wait until severe PE hits and end up on mag and more post partum issues. i was so sick last time when i was induced that it very much affected my recovery and first months as a mother and replaying that is such a fear of mine. i guess time will tell!

quick update

I went to hospital this morning for some monitoring and bloodwork.  Baby looked great on NST, he’s a feisty guy and really hates the monitors but we nail him down long enough to get some good tracings it just takes a while. Sweetlove was the same way when I did the NST’s with him, the nurses would say I’m in for it, and true enough, he’s such a little spitfire.  Anyways, that’s the good news.  The bad news is my BP was up to 190/95 and protein was +1, not sure what the lab analysis was, I didn’t even ask. They let me go home on strict orders to watch for symptoms and not move a muscle, ie strict bedrest. Easier said than done but with pressures like that, I need to be better at this. I go back on Friday and I have a feeling this weekend might spell the end and the beginning all at the same time, if you know what I mean! I’ll be 35 weeks on Saturday, I really want to make it until then. My best friend came over yesterday and organized the closet in the nursery for me since I am now unable to do it, and she helped me pack my hospital bags too.  My mom made us some home made lasagnas for dinners and I’m eating some now as we speak, it’s so nice to have family and friends around to help.  We are very lucky.

I’ll update again at the next turn of developments!

sprung!

Luck was on my side with this one! After 24 hours of monitoring – NST, bloodwork, urine labs, etc. everything came back NORMAL and negative for protein or any signs of preeclampsia – just PIH at this point. Doc thinks the dip I did in the office was a contaminated sample. I am sooooo relieved.  He let me come HOME yesterday afternoon and I am to be on strict bedrest and come back to the hospital for monitoring again on Tuesday.  So he’s still keeping me on a tight leash but I’m just so glad to be home, in my own bed. I’m taking BP meds that make me really dozy right now but it’s not like I have anything else to do but sleep when I feel like it. I just want to get to 36 weeks. Longer if I can but 36 weeks would feel awesome.

So thanks for all your prayers, they are working!

damn it – 34 weeks & hospitalized for the duration

Well, looks like my luck has run out my friends. This post is going to be really disjointed, I’m so tired and out of it.  I went to my OB appt yesterday knowing things were going sideways because my pressures have been steadily increasing over the past week and the swelling is now in my face and hands so I took A with me just in case it was more than just my usual appt.  My BP was a hefty 150/95 (a huge increase from previous weeks) and I’m spilling +2 protein. Preeclampsia it is. He sent me home to pack my bag and go directly to the hospital. I was admitted right away and I’ll be here for the duration it looks like. I’m 34 weeks today so I’m in a good place and baby is happy (did an NST last night) but I really want a few more weeks. It’s like déjà vu all over again. Same hospital, same nurses, same routine. I’m on BP meds 3x day, hopefully that should kick in soon. My urine last night at the hospital was negative for protein but the nurse said this disease jumps all over the place and these dips just aren’t reliable. I didn’t want A to leave me last night. My anxiety has kicked in and I’m a bit of a wreck. Sweetlove stayed at my in-laws overnight last night so A could help me get settled here and I’m looking forward to his visit this morning. I finally fell asleep around 2:30 AM and awoke at 5:00 AM, hospital beds suck the big one and these plastic pillows are useless for my SPD. We were in such a rush getting here yesterday I forgot my precious pillow fort. There are no comforts of home here that’s for sure. The food is shit. I remember it well and it hasn’t changed since my last stay that’s for sure! I called my mom and dad yesterday – they were at the lake recouping from my mom’s last chemo treatment (she’s in the throws of side effects right now and really weak) and told them what was going on. They were on the road home within an hour, it’s a five hour drive. I hate alarming them like this but she’s excited a new grandbaby is coming and its keeping her mind off the cancer for a bit which might be good? Doctor is thinking a week maybe two if we’re lucky before this baby needs to come out. Sweetlove was born at 36w0d and he roomed in with me and came straight home so hopefully we’ll get as lucky with this one.  Looks like my dream of a VBAC is over too, oh well, I didn’t hold a lot of hope for that truly I knew things wouldn’t go that way. I don’t know how A is going to cope this week with taking care of Sweetlove all on his own, last time it was just me he had to worry about.  Oh well, we’ll manage. We’ve got lots of family around who I’m sure will step up.  First things first, let’s get this baby here safe.  Doc should be by this morning to let me know the results of all my labs and the plan going forward. I’ll update again later. Prayers!!!