On the Verge

Today is CD18 and my OPK’s are +. This is GOOD! My earliest ever ovulation is approaching and I am trying not to get too excited because excited for me equals anxious which equals stress and that usually means delayed ovulation for me. So….. without focusing on it too much, I am patiently trying to get through the next few days without a lot of thought on it, but lots of BD’ing. I am feeling ovulation cramps big time on and off all day today and yesterday, nausea on and off too, and a nagging headache. So I’m ready for this to be over and on to the 2ww. My last 2ww on clomid until I see the OB again and I’m sure he’s just going to refer me to an RE for official IF. I pray to God not to have to make that appointment, but chances are …. I’ll have to.

I have been taking something called organic maca root this cycle which is a root vegetable grown in peru that is supposed to help balance hormones and reproductive systems in both men and women. A is taking it too, for help with the spermies. I am attributing my early ovulation and amazing EWCM to this regimen, it’s all I’ve done different this month. And I’ve taken mucin.ex this past few days to help with the cm hostility – we’ll see how that goes. I tried the robi last month but the taste was too much for me, yecht. It was awful. So the mucin.ex is much better as its just tablets morning and night – so we’ll see.

So as with every cycle, once I can pinpoint “o” I look on my calendar for AF arrival (or NOT) and due dates. Turns out if I “o” tomorrow, I expect to see that lovely witch on friggin Valentine’s Day. And I can tell you, that will be one miserable V-day if she shows up. This is sort of my last cycle before we face reality so I am dreading my reaction to another BFN. Last month was so devastating, I hope I’m more numb to it this cycle. I walked around in a pathetic daze for three days last time, crying on and off, depressed, sad, hopeless. It hit me far worse than any other cycle has and I’m going to try not to allow myself to reach those lows again, if I can help it. But… I am also going to try to think positive and maybe this V-day will be wonderful, I can give my husband his v-day card with a lovely note about my gift being making him a father again. I can’t say express much I would love that opportunity. It’s time.

So I Made Other Plans (Now, Life, Happen! Please!)

I’ve never owned a new car. Well they were always new to me, but definitely nowhere near “new” to the world. So I’ve been holding off on selling my twelve year old Explorer, thinking, oh I’ll be on maternity leave early and on bedrest and then home with two kids for a year, I won’t need a good vehicle at home all the time, and affording a car payment will be difficult on the reduced income. So we waited. And we waited. And I’ve put my life on hold for two years now, the first year we were preparing to try to conceive and this last year we’ve been actively trying, and nothing. Nada. No baby. No maternity leave. Well guess what? They always say life happens when you are making other plans right? So we went ahead and sold our old trusty ford (a bit sad to see her go) and went out this weekend and bought my favorite little SUV that I’ve been eyeing and researching for the last year (it’s a compact SUV, much more efficient and economical than our big Explorer). Isn’t it a beauty? I am quite proud of how I wheeled and dealed at the dealership – got myself a nice price just barely over invoice (I did a TON of research on how to work the salesman and knew what he paid for it) and we drove home on Saturday with my new baby. My 2007 baby. Not the one I WANTED for 2007 in the form of a soggy diapered bundle of joy, but you know what? This will do. And while I’m planning on a fruitful year of full income – I will get pregnant and say, oy, what did I do! Ah well, it will be worth it. I’ve resolved to stop putting my life on hold and just go on with it.

Cycle wise – I know I’m gearing up to ovulate, I am full of insomnia and anxiety, always my tell tale signs. This is my husband’s favorite time of the month and he is treating me extra nice right now. Not to mention my back is still really hurting from the dresser fiasco last week, so he’s pulling a little extra weight around the house which helps put the twinkle in my eye!

Ouch, Fuck.

When is it going to stop? Every single week I’ve got another friggin accident injury or sickness to deal with.

This one is a real doozy. And I’ll preface it by saying, he’s OK.

L was in his room playing this morning while I was getting ready for work. All of a sudden, one leg in my skirt, I hear a crash followed by screaming. L had somehow managed to tip his tallboy dresser on top of him while trying to get a pair of socks, he said. The socks are in his top drawer, he must have opened one of the lower drawers and stepped on it, fell backwards and the dresser fell over on top of him. I run madly into his room and he’s trapped underneath his five foot tall solid wood dresser. Oh My God. I lifted the dresser off of him and grabbed him up in my arms, he was more scared than hurt. I don’t know how he’s so OK actually, he stopped crying pretty quickly. Once the adrenaline wore off, I realized I had badly injured my back while lifting up the huge dresser – it must weigh a few hundred pounds. I never in a million years thought that thing could topple over. And I would never be able to even shift the thing normally but mommies can lift anything to save their children right? So here I am. Barely able to move. My back is completely thrown out. I went to work this morning, still in shock really, but came home for the afternoon, I could not stand sitting in my office chair any longer.

Anyways, L is OK and that’s all that matters. And as soon as A gets home from work, he’s SCREWING THE DRESSER TO THE WALL.

What if I had been in the shower (which I was five minutes earlier), I wouldn’t have heard him. That thought just makes me sick. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING worse in this world than your child being hurt. I think L spent more time taking care of me than me of him. He told his Papa that “the dresser fell on me and mama saved me!” I guess that’s what mamas are for! And I’m happy to do it! Fucked up back and all!

The Nut Doesn’t Fall Far!

This is a picture of my brother at the age of 4 (on the left) and my little guy L. on the right (he’ll be 3 in a month). I can’t believe how much they look alike!
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Anyway, UTI has cleared up finally. I am on CD12 so the OPK marathon has started. I’ve been really lazy with my temping this month because I didn’t want to obsess. Once the fertile “signs” have started we’re going to BD every day until I’m fully sure we’ve passed the o date. This clomid has been crazy for me this cycle – my irritability has gone through the roof. I have snapped at so many people over the past week, I am a real bitch right now. And by the time I’ve realized I’ve just said something snappy, it’s too late and I’m getting dirty looks. Oh well. Poor A has to get the brunt of it. Anyway, this is probably my last cycle on the big C. So third time’s the charm RIGHT?

UTI and Memories…

I have been going pee a lot lately, like constantly for a few days. Aren’t cha glad you know that? Well, today it turned into burning and painful pee, and my lower back was hurting a lot – strange for this time of the month – and I had a real pain shooting through my bladder. So I made a quick visit to my doc, gave a sample and sure enough, it’s a urinary tract infection. Probably from all that “hips up with a pillow under your bum and stay still for an hour” thing we do a lot lately. So I’m on antibiotics now, should be all cleared up within a few days. Brings me back to the only other time in my life that I’ve had a UTI. I was 35 weeks pregnant, had been layed up in the hospital for 3 weeks already. Couldn’t shower or even get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I was having bloodwork done daily at that point as well as 24 hour urine collections every few days, and the tests came back that I had a UTI. I didn’t even have any symptoms. However I’m not sure I would have noticed them if I did, I was so out of it on so many drugs and in a lot of discomfort all over. A little bladder pain probably wasn’t high on my radar! Anyway, thought back to that day today and remembered how scared I was in that hospital all by myself for so long. I wasn’t allowed visitors, just A. and my mom would come by in the evenings to visit but short ones because visitors made my BP spike so I spent most of my time in a dark room by myself. It was so lonely. I missed my kitties something crazy. I missed the world. I was so isolated. But in the end, it was all worth it – I had a beautiful, healthy son who stole my heart from the moment he was placed in my arms. Gosh he was a sight to behold.

In Cramping Hell

This has been three hellish days of cramps, holy shit what is this? Like I need to be punished any further? Or maybe I just need to be CONSTANTLY reminded that, once again, I’m not pregnant. That must be it. I’ve been so depressed these last few days. Sad really. Just feeling a real loss of hope. I woke up today, kind of glad to get back to work so I could get my mind off myself and my own self-pity. Only to be hit with the news of another pregnant co-worker shortly after I got in. She deserves it, they’ve been trying a long time and had a loss last year so I’m happy for her but ouch, why does it hurt ME so much? I hate that. I had to escape to the bathroom and have a good cry. I’m blaming the clomid, it makes me cry when my panties are twisted for God’s sake. Please let this period from hell be over soon!

Tenth Verse, Same as the First

FUCK
AF arrived in full force this morning. I’m feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. Not much more to say ’bout that. Next post will hopefully be with some renewed sense of hope. I hope.

OK, who’s lurkin’ ?

It’s Blog De-Lurker Week, and thanks to sitemeter I know there’s a lot of people reading my blog but very few commenters, which is totally fine – I am a lurker too, but it would be so nice to hear from those of you who are reading my blog, just even to say hi

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So I went to the acupuncture appointment. I was friggin’ excited too, thinking this would be it. The answer to my prayers. My final frontier with fertility. Oh well. Wishful thinking?

The acu guy was alright, though I had to remind him that the antidepressant that I am taking for anxiety *is* an SSRI and he said, oh I thought it wasn’t, well I can’t give you the herbs then. They are contraindicated. The Traditional Chinese Medicine part of the Acupuncture? Kind of a big part of the equation. So I can’t partake in that… UNLESS I wean off the antidepressant and go to yoga! Oh, right! I didn’t think of that before, yoga would definitely be a good subsitute for my seratonin reuptake inhibitor. Seriously, this guy lost me completely at this moment. I wanted help with making a baby and I felt like I was being scolded for taking “western medicine” for solving my anxiety problems when a little yoga and meditation CD’s would obviously have the same effect. That was the beginning. And then he told me that I needed to take all carbs, sugars and dairy out of my diet. OK – but I am not paying you 80 bucks an hour to be my dietition. Then he said he wanted me to take 3-6 months off TTC and “balance my mind and body”, stop the clomid and do all the above. Um, no. Not that I said all that, just thought it to myself. So he put a needle in my forehead (ouch) one in each leg and one in my stomach. Didn’t say what the needles were doing, what they were for, what they were helping, nothing. He then turned on a “meditation” CD and left the room for a half hour. The needle in my forehead gave me a mass headache, I was nauseous and dizzy for the rest of the night.

I left there feeling pretty deflated. I know I have to make some changes to my diet again, I’ve gotten lazy. But the world didn’t populate to the trillions it has by cutting out carbs and diary, I know that much for sure. I am going to make some serious efforts to cut out the sugars and refined carbs, and eat less dairy, but focus more on eating more vegetables and lean proteins. And I’m going to take my last cycle of clomid.

So am I looking at all this the wrong way or what? I came out of there kind of pissed off actually, like I didn’t get what I thought I was going there for. And why do I always have to have some sort of special situation that makes everything more complicated (ie the SSRI). Agh. I don’t know. I was too upset last night to write about it, feeling more clear about things today.

11 DPO. My temps suck. Lowest post ovuation temps I’ve EVER had charting. Wicked. My back hurts and my boobs are killing me and I’m moody as hell.

Lackluster

I thought maybe once the distractions of the holidays were passed and we were into a new year, my vigor for my job would reappear. Unfortunately that is not the case. I have gone to work this past week, each day dreading the eight hours and watching the clock for when it is time to escape. I am good at my job, I enjoy it, my coworkers are wonderful. I used to get so into my projects that I would barely come up for air in a day. But lately, as the months go on, BFN after BFN, my mind is just not there. My mind is on babies, and the lackthereof in my belly and in my nursery. What is wrong with me, I keep thinking to myself. I was able to do this once with no trouble at all, why is it so different now. The big “one year” date is looming and the closer it gets, the more anxiety I feel about all of this. Where we might be in another year. Will we still be here, in this place, finding ways to cope with the dreaded AF arrival? I don’t know. I used to be able to escape into my work and leave all of this at home. But now it seems it follows me there, and I am online reading forums, studies, research, all day long, searching for the “answer”, the next tip, the miracle treatment I can try that doesn’t involve thousands of dollars and lots of medical risk.

So I booked my first acupuncture appointment today, for next Tuesday. There is a clinic here in Van.couv.er that specializes in fertility acupuncture and traditional chin.ese medicine. It’s something I had in the back of my mind that I would eventually try but was hoping not to have to go there. It’s something I just don’t know a lot about, and maybe don’t quite understand. So I’ll go, find out if it rings true for me, see how it goes. They suggest once weekly treatments for three months. I am hoping it can cure my “late ovulation” problems. There is obviously SOMETHING out of balance in my body, and clomid certainly isn’t resolving this. Vitamins weren’t able to resolve it. Diet didn’t seem to help either. Maybe this? So I’ll let you all know how it goes. Does anyone have experience with acupuncture for fertility? I’d love to hear some experiences and whether it was helpful or not.

Now I’m off to try to come up with some fun things to do with an almost-three-year-old on a cold rainy weekend that will have to be indoors but burn some much needed steam.

Have a great weekend everyone!